Thursday, August 09, 2012
I considered my options before I signed up with WW again and decided that what I most need right now is accountability. It has been too easy to blow off weigh-ins as I have been struggling to get back on track these past 6+ months, plus it would be nice to potentially make some fitness and health-minded friends IRL if possible. I still love me some Spark, and this online community is an amazing source of support and inspiration. I will still be one here, just using the WW tracker more.
Much to my surprise, my husband was unhappy with me when I told him I had signed up for WW. At $42 per month, I consider the program to be relatively economical and it didn't seem necessary to discuss the decision with him prior to acting on it. But it turns out he is po'd that I have once again regained the weight I lost and am now shelling out more money to get it off. I have been on this roller coaster many times...sometimes I have used WW to get the weight off, sometimes Jenny Craig, sometimes Spark and just eating clean. I know I am not alone in being a repeat offender, that many of you can relate. And he is correct in saying that I am wasting time and money...obviously, if I just lost it and kept it off I would save myself a lot of hassle and heartache. But this is easier said than done when you are talking about the struggle with emotional eating and using food for comfort.
The thing is, he has no compassion for this inner struggle and is basically fed up with me. In his eyes, all the money I have spent on healthy foods, all the time I've spent working out, has all been a complete waste since I went and gained the weight back. I tried to tell him that while I have no proof, I have to believe I am still healthier than I would be had I not done these things. Yes, ideally I would have continued on that healthy path, but I still don't see it as a waste. But he does not agree. In our conversation he told me this is it, pick a path...he doesn't care whether I am fat or thin, but he is tired of the wavering. Somewhere in there was a veiled ultimatum, which I can only interpret as if I gain weight again after this round with WW he is leaving.
Wow, no pressure, huh? If I do WW and lose weight, I had better not think about putting much of it back on for the rest of my life or I risk his leaving. At 37 I'm no spring chicken, but hopefully I have at least that many years remaining, if not more. That's a long time to wonder if your spouse is po'd when you have a second slice of pizza or a larger-than-average piece of birthday cake or a second helping at Thanksgiving. I can't even begin to express how effed up I find his attitude to be. Rather than commending me for getting back on the wagon and refusing to give up, his response is a virtual gut punch. Not feeling the love here AT ALL. To be honest, I can't help but wonder if that attitude speaks volumes about the way he feels about me...how could someone who truly loved and cared about me be so cold towards my struggles?