So my wonderful husband got me an iPad in celebration of our 9 year wedding anniversary. I'm loving the big screen. It's just a larger version of my phone. I guess I'm hopeful it will encourage me to blog more often? And pay bills easier? I'm going to be optimistic...

We went back and forth trying to decide if we should start over or not. Right now we are going with the "stay" option. Our mortgage company is going to hopefully refinance our first and lower the payment. Hoping all works out with that, as the unknown can be so stressful!

Arabella turned 1 on Sunday and I'm not sure how to feel. My last baby is getting big and I love it- and I was so anxious for her to reach 1 so that I can be done bfeeding her. But last night when she was getting ready to fall asleep nursing, I had a sad moment. I remember feeling this way with Xavier too- but then he bit me, which promptly brought me back to reality. Anyway, I'm just going to miss our bonding time. Weening her is going to be a little sad for me.

Okay- confession time. I've been horrible with tracking, portion sizes, exercise- these last couple of stressful months have taken their toll. It's so depressing! Even more so, that I'm very aware that it's my own fault. All talk with no action- that's me! Change has to happen!!

I've not had a gym membership in years. Frankly the thought of working out in front of, or with other people terrifies me. I'm always worried about who is watching me and what they are thinking. In all other aspects of my life, I'm not at all this way; I don't care what people think about the things I say or do or choices I make. But, when it comes to my weight, I have ZERO self esteem. Yet, I know the healthiest time of my life was when I went to the gym daily and did classes three days a week. Cost.... It's not cheap. I know this. This has been one of the primary reasons I've not had a membership in so long... And as the family budgeter, I know we don't have extra money to spend in our current budget. Crazy as this is going to sound, I feel guilty spending money on a membership for myself; even though I know I'm doing my family a dis-service by not being active and healthy. I'm going to have to seriously re-evaluate our budget, it's not impossible- it will just require some adjustments. I'm going to step out of my comfort zone and GO TO THE GYM!!

Sorry for the oober long blog- I do feel better and more motivated.