Wednesday, August 08, 2012
Well today was kind of expected but not the way it all came down. i go to the RA and Fibro specialist - i have been noticing a lot of changes happening with me. even though i had pain, i could walk it out, stretch and get along.
now i am afraid to walk without a cane, i think i am going to be in orthopedic shoes. but my hip flexors, the entire hip etc is really not good.
i knew i would hear those dreaded embarrassing words - you need to lose at least 80 (not so long ago it was 50) pounds and probably will have to have replacement.
i want to adhere to the weight loss, but i do not want the replacement. i do not want to be hacked up . i have friends who have been 'RECALLED' cause the parts have failed..
i am scared silly!!
i just want to lose this weight so badly - the pain is constant- day and night - and my ANTI (anti inflammatory) does not do all that much. i am not a pill popper but i believe in naturopathic remedies - i take vitamins, and make protein shakes with lots of good stuff in them.
anyway- the tears just started to flow in the docs office and i know he was trying to be nice to me- but he said 'you should be happy these things are available now'
THAT DID NOT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.
i am trying to keep optimism alive in my heart - but panic and bleak outlook are right in there .
i prayed on it for so long - the weight issue, the arthritis issue, the wellness issue which i feel i really have made an effort over these past 40 years = i really don't treat my body badly - but i guess the fact that i am overweight contradicts me there. how can i be so fat when i eat like a bird - both in quantity and in good choices????
i am embarrassed beyond belief to be poked and prodded - my first instinct is to just stay home - my follow up appt is in 60 days - i am not sure if i will just cancel it and go on my own from here.
so - please pray with me here - i need to have some guidance - i am humiliated and mortified and feel like i failed myself badly. how did 50 grow to 80 pounds - something is really getting by me -
anyone got anymore tissues??? i am angry too - at myself for allowing all the stresses and the cortisol to build up inside of me. this is such a let down.