I feel like I'm suffocating

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

So, it’s been awhile since I written my thoughts and feelings out and I sure need to. I may not make any sense to anyone, but I have got to somehow get a little off my shoulders. Things have been really rough the past few weeks. I mean….bad…..as in I don’t know what to do anymore, I want to give up. Now mind you, I realize that my ‘problems’ may not seem that bad to someone else and I can understand and respect that, but for me, I’m at a loss. I feel lost and hopeless right now and have nowhere to turn. I’m not asking for pity, I’m not even asking for anyone to really care, I really just need to vent.

My husband and I are trying to put our lives together…..to make sense and work towards our goals individually and as a couple. I’m 30 and feel that I’m ready for a family, I’m ready for the next step (as is he). But, whenever we move one step forward, it’s about twenty back. I get that it’s life and it’s how things go, but I’ve reached my limit and can no longer handle the stress I’m under…..even when it comes to the incredibly small things.

I find myself sitting here cracking under the pressure trying to figure what I did that was so bad in my life that I keep getting dealt these awful hands. I feel like I’m suffocating and can’t even begin to breathe. I know I haven’t been perfect, I’m human and I’ve made some mistakes in life that others probably wouldn’t dream of making, but at the same time, I haven’t done things that were so terrible that it would make you shudder. The past few years have been nothing but a struggle for me and I’m not sure why. I don’t know if I’m doing it myself or what it is, but I can’t seem to move forward. In the past few years, I have been married and divorced, lost my core group of friends due to rumors around my divorce, picked up and moved my life across the country to try and start new, only to move back a few years later because I couldn’t make it work, got married again in the middle somewhere and am at a point that I feel I’m struggling to find sense in my life.

I’ve been so down the past two weeks, it’s getting out of hand. But yet, I KNOW this is too much and I need to pull myself around, but I just can’t seem to do it. Just when I start to try and think positively and try and look on the bright side, BAM out of nowhere, the negative thoughts are flooding my mind and clouding my vision. I feel like I’m only going through the actions of life and not having any feeling to go with it.

I noticed this the other day when I was on the treadmill. I was working out, I was getting a good 60 minutes, but I had no feeling what so ever to the idea of working out and the moment. I usually LOVE to work out, I look at it as a time to decompress and in a sense, relax. I was totally numb and by the time I was done, I felt like I had done nothing, I felt that I just went through all the motions to work out, but didn’t feel a thing. I was so disappointed with myself……and I still am. I went to the gym on Sunday and the same thing happened. I’m getting ready to go tonight as soon as I get off work, and I’m dreading it, I don’t want to go. I want to just go home and go over our situation in my head hundreds of different ways like I have been all day. I’ve slacked on tracking my meals. I do fine during the week for breakfast and lunch, but when I get home for dinner, even if I do cook, I just get nowhere with tracking. I find myself snacking on anything and everything! I turn around and get upset with myself and try and give myself a ‘pep talk’ and vow to better the next day…….but as soon as I’m home from work, the cycle starts over.

I’m stuck in a circle, feeling like I’m chasing my own tail and I don’t see anything close to an end in sight. I find myself questioning my beliefs and values, as well as myself and my marriage. I don’t want it to be this way, but I can’t seem to pull out of it. I’ve lost my faith, and let me tell you, it’s a horrible sinking feeling that makes you sick to your stomach. I used to be so upbeat and optimistic, but now, I just don’t have the strength in me. I know everyone says you’re never given more than you can handle, but I’ve reached my limit and I’ve been broken. I don’t know how to pick up the pieces, I don’t know how to hold my head up anymore, I don’t know how to even take a step forward.

What do you when you’re feeling down? When talking to friends and family doesn’t seem to help? When things that used to make you smile are no longer doing it?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hi, first of all thank you for adding me as a friend and commenting on my 1st blog;

    I have been separated for a year now, going through a divorce, my husband inherited all the friends (he is willing to pour his heart out to anyone who will listen and I am not). I have to start over completely, and while I embrace the challenge (so that I can show MYSELF what I can do), it is indeed scary, lonely, and I can't tell you how many times I've found myself thinking, "Just one more thing... one more thing is all it will take to break me."

    Well "things" keep happening.. and I'm still alive, I'm still here.

    Just remember you are not alone.
    1944 days ago
  • JBECKS626
    I just wanted to check in to see how you are doing? Have you made an appointment to see a professional? I completely understand where you are at in life because I was there at one point. Seeing a counselor really helped pull me through!
    2027 days ago
    I do think that sometimes we do not have the ability to "cure" ourselves, and we must seek a therapist or counselor to help us. I truly believe that your future can be bright again, and you can find happy days ahead, but you need to consider consulting a professional They can be expensive, but there are some resources in many cities that have payment plans according to your income. God bless you as you take steps to find the appropriate answers. You have Sparkfriends who care about you!
    2046 days ago
  • GRACED777
    The only thing I can do in seasons like this is surrender to God. Life is often unmanageable for me, but as I don't try to control it, but give it to Him, He eventually sorts things out for me and shows me what to do step by step. I agree with the Serenity Prayer as written by Prinmaotonyane below, even though I don't always like it. As you give things over, you may need to talk to someone. God didn't make us to walk alone--but I talk to Him first, and marching orders flow from that.
    2046 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/8/2012 11:13:14 AM
    Your post really resonated with me. I have been through similar experiences. My hub's and I have sure had our share of ups & downs. We are finally seeing a counselor and it has helped, but also has made me realize that maybe I need to see her for my own issues. I just want you to know that you are not alone.
    2047 days ago
    I would try talking to a professional who can be objective and help you sort through things. You may be going through a depression. Take care!
    2047 days ago
    The Serenity Prayer

    God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.

    Living one day at a time;
    Enjoying one moment at a time;
    Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
    Taking, as He did, this sinful world
    as it is, not as I would have it;
    Trusting that He will make all things right
    if I surrender to His Will;
    That I may be reasonably happy in this life
    and supremely happy with Him
    Forever in the next.

    I just prayed for you. I know what you mean I have been going through some of what you are experiencing and I find that when I pray, I have hope. I still get bad days but I am less overwhelmed. You have tried it your way and it does not work so give God a chance to fight for you. I will keep you in my prayers.
    2047 days ago
    Please talk to a professional - just in case you are depressed. Snapping out of it, looking on the bright side, and problem solving is very difficult if you are depressed. A professional can help you to get back on track.

    Best wishes for a smile to be back on your face soon!
    2047 days ago
    First off take a deep breath. Rome wasn't built in a day.

    I think you might want to get some outside help to objectively sort through what you are feeling. It sounds like you've been on warp speed for the last few years without taking time to really process these major life changing events that happened to you.
    Everything you mentioned is on the list of major life changing events that have serious impact on our lives. No wonder you feel so overwhelmed.
    Asking for help is a huge first step.
    You will get through this. Just remember yo breathe.

    2047 days ago
  • KRYSTL719
    best wishes for you sweetie. It sounds like you have alot to think about. When you get fed up enough with the cycle of coming home binging, you can find ways to change it. If you dont feel you have the willpower at all, talking to people will help. The most important thing is you are not alone, we have all been through major circumstances in life. There are truly good people that know exactly what your going through. By all means, try to hang in there. Life goes through phases, and this phase will end. Thats a fact, so in the meantime, make yourself better, talk things over, change your routines, find local friends, and find what your looking for that will make you happy. It will be okay as long as you make the right choices.
    2047 days ago
  • WUBBY82
    All I have for you is a huge *HUG* girl. Ginormous, in fact.
    2047 days ago
  • TERRIH8118
    emoticon I tend to agree with Butterflyrose, it might be a good idea to get some professional help, I've suffered through depression myself I don't know if thats what your going through but its a possibility and I know how numbing and endless it seems but there is ways out of it, Even the fact that your still doing your exercising is impressive to me even if you don't feel like its helping. But know that were here to support you and are praying for you. Just keep hanging in there and you'll get through it.
    2047 days ago
    After reading your very intensely personal post. Feeling numb, dreading coming home. IT seems that you need to work on YOU. What I'm reading is that you are confused and depressed, perhaps you feel shame and failure with, coming to terms with your past. I believe that you should see a therapist, what seems to me is a kind of depression, perhaps a slump of low self esteem, you may not need medication, but someone to help you, with professional experience, focus and compassion will go a long way. Friends are great, but sometimes you may need a professional to help give you a working system that may start small, and then to help you recognise your pattern of thinking and feeling, and to understand your actions. I hope what I am writing is not offending you. I am a spark person only giving support, this is an option to consider. I wish you well and peace in yourself and your life. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2047 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/7/2012 10:10:21 PM
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