Tuesday, August 07, 2012
So, itís been awhile since I written my thoughts and feelings out and I sure need to. I may not make any sense to anyone, but I have got to somehow get a little off my shoulders. Things have been really rough the past few weeks. I meanÖ.badÖ..as in I donít know what to do anymore, I want to give up. Now mind you, I realize that my Ďproblemsí may not seem that bad to someone else and I can understand and respect that, but for me, Iím at a loss. I feel lost and hopeless right now and have nowhere to turn. Iím not asking for pity, Iím not even asking for anyone to really care, I really just need to vent.
My husband and I are trying to put our lives togetherÖ..to make sense and work towards our goals individually and as a couple. Iím 30 and feel that Iím ready for a family, Iím ready for the next step (as is he). But, whenever we move one step forward, itís about twenty back. I get that itís life and itís how things go, but Iíve reached my limit and can no longer handle the stress Iím underÖ..even when it comes to the incredibly small things.
I find myself sitting here cracking under the pressure trying to figure what I did that was so bad in my life that I keep getting dealt these awful hands. I feel like Iím suffocating and canít even begin to breathe. I know I havenít been perfect, Iím human and Iíve made some mistakes in life that others probably wouldnít dream of making, but at the same time, I havenít done things that were so terrible that it would make you shudder. The past few years have been nothing but a struggle for me and Iím not sure why. I donít know if Iím doing it myself or what it is, but I canít seem to move forward. In the past few years, I have been married and divorced, lost my core group of friends due to rumors around my divorce, picked up and moved my life across the country to try and start new, only to move back a few years later because I couldnít make it work, got married again in the middle somewhere and am at a point that I feel Iím struggling to find sense in my life.
Iíve been so down the past two weeks, itís getting out of hand. But yet, I KNOW this is too much and I need to pull myself around, but I just canít seem to do it. Just when I start to try and think positively and try and look on the bright side, BAM out of nowhere, the negative thoughts are flooding my mind and clouding my vision. I feel like Iím only going through the actions of life and not having any feeling to go with it.
I noticed this the other day when I was on the treadmill. I was working out, I was getting a good 60 minutes, but I had no feeling what so ever to the idea of working out and the moment. I usually LOVE to work out, I look at it as a time to decompress and in a sense, relax. I was totally numb and by the time I was done, I felt like I had done nothing, I felt that I just went through all the motions to work out, but didnít feel a thing. I was so disappointed with myselfÖÖand I still am. I went to the gym on Sunday and the same thing happened. Iím getting ready to go tonight as soon as I get off work, and Iím dreading it, I donít want to go. I want to just go home and go over our situation in my head hundreds of different ways like I have been all day. Iíve slacked on tracking my meals. I do fine during the week for breakfast and lunch, but when I get home for dinner, even if I do cook, I just get nowhere with tracking. I find myself snacking on anything and everything! I turn around and get upset with myself and try and give myself a Ďpep talkí and vow to better the next dayÖÖ.but as soon as Iím home from work, the cycle starts over.
Iím stuck in a circle, feeling like Iím chasing my own tail and I donít see anything close to an end in sight. I find myself questioning my beliefs and values, as well as myself and my marriage. I donít want it to be this way, but I canít seem to pull out of it. Iíve lost my faith, and let me tell you, itís a horrible sinking feeling that makes you sick to your stomach. I used to be so upbeat and optimistic, but now, I just donít have the strength in me. I know everyone says youíre never given more than you can handle, but Iíve reached my limit and Iíve been broken. I donít know how to pick up the pieces, I donít know how to hold my head up anymore, I donít know how to even take a step forward.
What do you when youíre feeling down? When talking to friends and family doesnít seem to help? When things that used to make you smile are no longer doing it?