Ok so I got up and exercised today.... I was so close to going back to bed but I didn't, I got on the scale instead which made me sad, mad, crazy, whatever! I saw a number that I don't ever, ever want to be again.... 253.50, yikes! I have been eating what I want for a while now and not exercising, so should I really be that surprised??? hah nope I should have expected that number and I kind of did. So here I am again, back where I said I would never be. I know I can lose weight, but can I keep it off?? I've done this so many times, lose and gain it back.... =( I am so sick of losing then getting comfortable and gain it all back because I feel comfortable in my own skin....what??? Maybe that's what has taken me so long to get back to exercising. It feels great to lose weight but then it starts creeping back up.... I guess part of me would rather be fat than lose the weight, have people tell me how great I look and to just turn around and gain it all back.. why should I care about people and what they think?? I don't know maybe because that's what I think??? Seriously I don't know how to keep the weight off and becuase of that fear of gainig it back again and not knowing how to keep it off I do the alternative, eat and gain and stay fat. So what is really going on here??? Really what is happening? I don't want to diet because that leads to bingeing and gaining. Ummm..... I don't really know what to say or think anymore. I just know I eat until I am numb at night time and that really sucks.... I go somewhere and all I think about is the food I am going to have, or my family and I go for a ride in the woods and my main focus is what are we bringing for food, not do we have enough gas, or water, but food. I can't do this anymore, I can't keep treating my body like crap and expect to feel good and do good. I can't stay in bed in the morning and expect to lose weight, I can't eat a bag of chocolate covered pretzels every night and expect to stay the same weight. I just can't do this anymore.... I want to love myself, can I really love myself when I treat myself like total crap? No not really, no wonder why I am so hard on me.....Anyways I have said it before but hopefully this time it will happen, I am going to get up and exercise tomorrow morning and I am going to love me.