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    C8TSON   19,351
15,000-19,999 SparkPoints

Losing Momentum

Monday, August 06, 2012

I have been having a really difficult couple of weeks. For days now, I have felt as though my momentum has slowed to an almost complete stop. There are times I feel as though there is some force out there causing resistance to my progress, that is out of my control. I'm making plans, putting out big effort to get my life changed and it seems like for my one step forward, I get knocked out for 10!!!

I understand and know that life can take its toll, that things come up and throw off plans altogether. But everyday?! Anyway, here I was, getting linked in with SparkPeople, getting very pumped about all the positive changes, and then suddenly my entire world literally gets turned upside down. My family began having a million problems, all of which I have spent my entire summer dealing with. I have had the most pesky upper respiratory thing that has kept me down a lot over the last two weeks. I have had friends who have needed me to help them out in THEIR disasters (which, I'm not complaining at all about helping others), but there goes my bike rides to work...every week that I have tried to plan for it. My feet have been hurting worse than ever. We never have time to get things done around the house; a chaotic house =no motivation to cook heathy meals, because we have so much chaos right outside the front door, we can't take care of our own life. We have been traveling for about 10 of the last 12 weeks, only one weekend of which was for our pure enjoyment.

And, I want to say, that I LOVE my friends dearly. But, it seems as though everyone wants to hang out and spend fast food restaurants, or the ice cream shops, or go grab a pizza and a movie. I have tried hosting my friends with our healthier meals, and it has not been received very well. I have shared with others what I am trying to accomplish in hopes that this will be inspiring. But how can I inspire ANYONE if I myself do not notice ANY physical changes, (and the scale affirms that, which is why I quit weighing two weeks ago)? How am I supposed to inspire others to improve their health when I can't even believe in myself most of the time? How can I inspire my family when all they have are remarks about how overweight I am? Simply put, I feel like a pathetic loser right now. And not the right kind of loser. LOL! I need to be a loser of weight...HAHA!

Not only all of this, but I have been struggling with insomnia like never before in my life. I have been staying wide awake until the wee hours of the morning for so many nights, I don't have the energy to move in the mornings....much less, get up early, make HEALTHY breakfast choices, water my flowers (something I once loved doing very much), ride my bike to work, be energetic and productive at work (I usually just drag around getting things done slowly because I can't focus on a thing), go to ANY workout classes, and spend quality time with my husband. I have basically been running on empty the last two weeks, and it just doesn't seem to get better. Despite my total mind-numbing exhaustion throughout the day, I still lay down at night, toss and turn, and wind up sitting up away from my husband, reading or watching a movie until I finally fall asleep and have fits of waking up and sleeping for a few hours. Everything I have read says that sleep is key to weight loss. Husband: emoticon Me: emoticon

So, I guess I'm just kind of venting for the most part. There are sooooo many more things going on that I just don't feel comfortable sharing least not yet. I promise I'm not just making fancy excuses to get out of working out so I can go eat out! I WANT to be healthy and fit! I WANT to lose the weight! I WANT to feel good overall! I just don't know how to get out of this vicious cycle that keeps holding me back from the things I want. And most of it is completely out of my control. Here has been a typical day for me the last few weeks:

1. Drag out of bed 40 minutes before I need to be at work. Throw something together for a quick breakfast and snack. Run out the door completely stressed by the morning rush. Forget the bike ride.
2. Get to work and try really hard to focus...but wind up moving at a slow unproductive rate of speed due to exhaustion.
3. Find out some new tidbit of negative information from family (yes, folks, it's been that bad lately...a daily occurrence)
4. Go out to eat at lunch because I remember that I don't have what I need at home to make healthy lunch happen. Promise husband we will go to the store after workout class at the gym, because that should give me the energy I need.
5. Get back to work to same or less productivity level as noted above.
6. Get home a little late because of something random on the way.
7. Skip workout class at the gym because I'm so tired, I can barely get out of my car, much less work out.
8. Remember that I promised a friend I would go spend time with them. Scratch the grocery store/healthy dinner plans.
9. Get home completely frustrated that NOTHING has worked out as planned. Vow that tomorrow will be a different day. Keep motivated. It will get better.
10. Lay down at night, toss and turn, get up finally, spend mindless hours on the computer, reading, or watching movies.
11. Next Day...roughly repeat steps 1-9. emoticon

Anyway, I hesitated to even write such a negative blog, because I know SP is such a positive atmosphere, something I have loved about it since I started here. I just want my inner voice of desire of being better, to speak louder than the forces that are all around me stopping me from what I really want! I don't want to lose my progress every other day, week or month anymore! I want LIFE CHANGES!!! I don't want a band-aid anymore. The changes I want are no longer to look cute in an outfit, to fit a mold in society, to be ready for some big event that requires me to be skinny, or to make anyone else happy! I am concerned for my long term health, and I desperately want to make these improvements now.

Thanks for reading my ranting, if you made it this far! I hope that someday soon, I can get back on track and life won't defeat me at every single turn! Ugh! *frustrated*

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BETHS60 8/8/2012 2:08PM

    Sometimes it seems like life is conspiring against our progress. Exhaustion makes everything harder, and it sounds like things are pretty stressful without the addition of insomnia.

Have you tried herbal tea at bedtime? We use Bedtime by Yogi. My husband claims it is magic. It puts him to sleep, sometimes even before he drinks it.

Another thing to think about is that activities that put light into your eyes at night make it harder to sleep. Try to avoid the computer and movies at night. I've recently tried audio books at night when I can't sleep. I can keep my eyes closed and listen.

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C8TSON 8/8/2012 10:01AM

    Thank you all so much for your encouragement! When I logged in this morning and saw all of this positive encouraging feedback, my heart was overwhelmed with thankfulness! You are all wonderful, and I feel very blessed to have such encouragement in my life! emoticon

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BABIESTEPS 8/8/2012 9:28AM

    Let me start by saying you're not alone! Many people experience the same kinds of things you're going through. The main thing is that you DON'T GIVE UP!
Yes it seems that you're knocked down right now-but from there you can only go up! Think about still have the Will to accomplish your goals! That's a POSITIVE! You've had to spread yourself thin right now and that's what's making you feel defeated. I agree with the others that say you need to make time for yourself-even if it's 10 minutes a day. If you like to ride your bike then hop on it and take a 10minute ride. It doesn't have to be an hour ride. Or maybe at lunch time- get out and walk 5 minutes one way and then 5 minutes back. You could take your doggies for a walk... Take the stairs at work or park farther away! Little tiny things that you can do that take little time but have a positive affect on your mental state.
There are still things within your control. When you go out to lunch do your best to make a healthy choice. Even if you know dinner will likely end up unhealthy due to lack of groceries. I'm NOT talking about a bowl of lettuce... Whole grains, skinless chicken, maybe a banana or an apple. Better food will help with your energy level. Control what you can---Those things will help you mentally. Just knowing that you are still trying-that's something to be proud of and feel positive about. You may not be able to control all things in your life but if you handle the things that are in your control, that's a PLUS. Eventually you'll be able to be more focused and continue your journey to your goals the way you ideally would like to, but for now do what you can without worrying about big results at the scale. Work on your mental state and the scale will come later.
Your sleep problems could be due to poor nutrition as well as stress. Here is a link that may help you! Things will get better-Just DON'T GIVE UP! DON'T GIVE UP! DON'T GIVE UP!!!

emoticon Keep Venting! You'll feel better!!!! Good Luck!!!

Comment edited on: 8/8/2012 9:38:54 AM

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JULIAOAK 8/8/2012 3:51AM

    oh dear - sending hugs your way emoticon
I agree with the others - you need some 'me' time just to begin to relax a bit.
Its horrible when you can't sleep especially when the person next to you is
snoring away (my hubby!). I put a couple of drops of lavender oil on my pillow at night and find this helps to relax me a bit.

Hope things begin to work out for you soon. emoticon emoticon

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KBRADFORD88 8/7/2012 3:06PM

    I can relate to so may of your rants. But
1. What age are you? Hormonal fluctuations can play havoc with your sleep. I know every one has their ideas about supplements but I take L-Tryptophan and some other things that have worked wonders with no side effects and no grogginess. Key to this is try it and if you feel bad stop it and try something else.
2. Remember you do not have to be at everyone's beck and call. If being with other people leaves you not being able to do what you need to succeed for the week..well it's not worth it. How about that friend going with you to get your groceries. if they won;t come then say I'm sorry. If you were doing the friend stuff and feeling better then I would say do it...but it doesn't sound like that. I have loved sparkpeople but I have also found my enthusiasm waning. I think we also need real live bodies to cry on their shoulder. And I think there are ebb and flow to our lives and out weight loss. I will pray that we both remember why we joined. I workout no problem. But the tracking and planning and buying are huge struggles for me.
3. Blog on the days you feel bad. Not just the good days. There are those on here who want to make this site about only good days. Well, good for them. I haven't lived a life like that yet, ? Have you? Of course not. No apologies for bad days. I hope that life slows down. But, I doubt it will. We have to find ways to slow our insides down even if the outside is whirring past. Blessings. emoticon

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JENNNY135 8/7/2012 12:33PM

    I agree with the last two posts, you're no good to others if you don't look after yourself. Make you a priority, everything else will still be there for you to handle. Remember this too shall pass, take care.

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CHANGINGSAM 8/7/2012 9:11AM

    Lots going on. First, thank you for sharing this. SP is not always positive. So many members go through different things, but your SP friends are here to support you through the good and the bad. So just know, it's ok to post this. It's ok to be going through things. We are here to help.

Second, the thing that struck me the most was that you are so busy helping out others. You need to find time for yourself. It's important. So whether it be ten minutes out of every day to meditate (highly recommended!), read, exercise, or just take a relaxing bath, just do it. You need to unwind. It's too much stress. For those ten minutes, make every one understand that those are yours.

Third, make a time to go to the grocery store. I don't know everything that is going on, but sometimes, people have to wait. You can't be at their every call. You have things to get done too. You have a life. So, make time. If tonight is the night for the grocery shopping, tell every one that you will be available at another time. Grocery shopping will help put you back on track.

Lastly, insomnia is NEVER fun. I've suffered through countless of months of no sleep and lack of energy. I used sleeping aids (which can help) for a long time. However, you know what I found that has truly helped? Exercise. Around 7pm, I usually take a 3-4 mile walk/run (not far), and by the time I get home, I am ready for sleep. I crash. Best sleep of my life. I know it's going to be hard the first week because right now, you are exhausted, but even getting in 20-30 minutes of exercise close to bed will help you sleep. You'll unwind the stress for the day which is ultimately causing the restless nights.

My suggestion: make a plan for the week. Figure out time to help others, but also figure out time for you and your family. Schedule a time for grocery shopping. Schedule some time EVERY day for yourself. You need to unwind. Like I have told others, how can you expect to help others when you aren't healthy yourself? Your health is important. Make it a priority.

**Sorry it is so long!** emoticon

Comment edited on: 8/7/2012 9:11:41 AM

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_LINDA 8/7/2012 2:14AM

    So very sorry you are having such a horrid time. As a person suffering from severe insomnia, I sure know what that feels like. I usually hit the fatigue wall just before lunch and again mid afternoon. In your case, it would quite obviously be the stress of dealing with everyone's problems coming at you non stop that you can't shut it down at night. This shows me you are a caregiver. You are putting everyone else's problems ahead of yourself. This is what good mommies do. Unfortunately, good mommies find it hard to lose weight because they don't put any of their needs first. This healthy lifestyle goal is rather selfish. You have to make the time for YOU. YOU are important too!! Like they say, the caregiver will struggle to look after others when their own health is a train wreck. You are going to have to learn to say NO. You deserve time to yourself and your needs too. Schedule in what ever you need like appointments, then keep them. You wouldn't skip a Dr.'s appointment.
And feel free to vent any time. Its nice to get a load of steam off and people do it regularly. Journaling your thoughts and troubles may help you find solutions, or give you a bit of release.
Do take care of yourself..
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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