I have been having a really difficult couple of weeks. For days now, I have felt as though my momentum has slowed to an almost complete stop. There are times I feel as though there is some force out there causing resistance to my progress, that is out of my control. I'm making plans, putting out big effort to get my life changed and it seems like for my one step forward, I get knocked out for 10!!!
I understand and know that life can take its toll, that things come up and throw off plans altogether. But everyday?! Anyway, here I was, getting linked in with SparkPeople, getting very pumped about all the positive changes, and then suddenly my entire world literally gets turned upside down. My family began having a million problems, all of which I have spent my entire summer dealing with. I have had the most pesky upper respiratory thing that has kept me down a lot over the last two weeks. I have had friends who have needed me to help them out in THEIR disasters (which, I'm not complaining at all about helping others), but there goes my bike rides to work...every week that I have tried to plan for it. My feet have been hurting worse than ever. We never have time to get things done around the house; a chaotic house =no motivation to cook heathy meals, because we have so much chaos right outside the front door, we can't take care of our own life. We have been traveling for about 10 of the last 12 weeks, only one weekend of which was for our pure enjoyment.
And, I want to say, that I LOVE my friends dearly. But, it seems as though everyone wants to hang out and spend time....at fast food restaurants, or the ice cream shops, or go grab a pizza and a movie. I have tried hosting my friends with our healthier meals, and it has not been received very well. I have shared with others what I am trying to accomplish in hopes that this will be inspiring. But how can I inspire ANYONE if I myself do not notice ANY physical changes, (and the scale affirms that, which is why I quit weighing two weeks ago)? How am I supposed to inspire others to improve their health when I can't even believe in myself most of the time? How can I inspire my family when all they have are remarks about how overweight I am? Simply put, I feel like a pathetic loser right now. And not the right kind of loser. LOL! I need to be a loser of weight...HAHA!
Not only all of this, but I have been struggling with insomnia like never before in my life. I have been staying wide awake until the wee hours of the morning for so many nights, I don't have the energy to move in the mornings....much less, get up early, make HEALTHY breakfast choices, water my flowers (something I once loved doing very much), ride my bike to work, be energetic and productive at work (I usually just drag around getting things done slowly because I can't focus on a thing), go to ANY workout classes, and spend quality time with my husband. I have basically been running on empty the last two weeks, and it just doesn't seem to get better. Despite my total mind-numbing exhaustion throughout the day, I still lay down at night, toss and turn, and wind up sitting up away from my husband, reading or watching a movie until I finally fall asleep and have fits of waking up and sleeping for a few hours. Everything I have read says that sleep is key to weight loss. Husband:
So, I guess I'm just kind of venting for the most part. There are sooooo many more things going on that I just don't feel comfortable sharing online...at least not yet. I promise I'm not just making fancy excuses to get out of working out so I can go eat out! I WANT to be healthy and fit! I WANT to lose the weight! I WANT to feel good overall! I just don't know how to get out of this vicious cycle that keeps holding me back from the things I want. And most of it is completely out of my control. Here has been a typical day for me the last few weeks:
1. Drag out of bed 40 minutes before I need to be at work. Throw something together for a quick breakfast and snack. Run out the door completely stressed by the morning rush. Forget the bike ride.
2. Get to work and try really hard to focus...but wind up moving at a slow unproductive rate of speed due to exhaustion.
3. Find out some new tidbit of negative information from family (yes, folks, it's been that bad lately...a daily occurrence)
4. Go out to eat at lunch because I remember that I don't have what I need at home to make healthy lunch happen. Promise husband we will go to the store after workout class at the gym, because that should give me the energy I need.
5. Get back to work to same or less productivity level as noted above.
6. Get home a little late because of something random on the way.
7. Skip workout class at the gym because I'm so tired, I can barely get out of my car, much less work out.
8. Remember that I promised a friend I would go spend time with them. Scratch the grocery store/healthy dinner plans.
9. Get home completely frustrated that NOTHING has worked out as planned. Vow that tomorrow will be a different day. Keep motivated. It will get better.
10. Lay down at night, toss and turn, get up finally, spend mindless hours on the computer, reading, or watching movies.
11. Next Day...roughly repeat steps 1-9.
Anyway, I hesitated to even write such a negative blog, because I know SP is such a positive atmosphere, something I have loved about it since I started here. I just want my inner voice of desire of being better, to speak louder than the forces that are all around me stopping me from what I really want! I don't want to lose my progress every other day, week or month anymore! I want LIFE CHANGES!!! I don't want a band-aid anymore. The changes I want are no longer to look cute in an outfit, to fit a mold in society, to be ready for some big event that requires me to be skinny, or to make anyone else happy! I am concerned for my long term health, and I desperately want to make these improvements now.
Thanks for reading my ranting, if you made it this far! I hope that someday soon, I can get back on track and life won't defeat me at every single turn! Ugh! *frustrated*