Monday, August 06, 2012
I mentioned in my sleep post about my all or nothing attitude. I have been called a perfectionist, told I am OCD, etc. Call it what you will, it really is a stumbling block for me.
When I do something, I want it to be perfect. Realistically that's not possible, but everytime I do something, I strive to do the absolute best I can, but never really am satisfied.
My weight has been a struggle for a long time. I want to lose weight. So many times I have decided I've had enough, but knew deep down I couldn't lose weight how I (thought) needed to. I knew I would fail, I just couldn't pull off perfection, I lacked the self control. So many times I wanted to change, but didn't even DO anything for that reason. I was afraid to fail. Call it pride, or what you will, but I am just being honest.
Once when I decided "this is it!", I started Weight Watchers. I am not knocking their program at all. I went to a few meetings. I even lost 9#'s my first week! But before long I was so consumed by my points. I was OBSESSED with points! It was all I focused on, thought about, etc. I realized that I couldn't continue with WW because I was a nut. I FAILED.
Now one would think, change it up, try something new, but all I saw was that I FAILED once again. It has taken me several years (and more added weight) to get to the point I am today. I am done being fat. I know I have to be realistic this time. Knowing it and doing it are two totally different things. I am trying to make small changes the main focus. Like I am eating well, but my focus right now is on sleep patterns. I have to make sure I don't get crazy if I eat bad, etc, because right now that's not my main focus.
I also am trying to avoid the scale. I tend to weigh myself several times a day, daily. It really is bad for me. Yes, I need to keep a close watch on my weight so I am not letting things go, but again-it sets me up to feel like a failure. If I gain .02#'s I feel like a complete failure. I am aiming to weigh monthly. The scale is not my main focus right now, but I am trying to avoid it so I don't sabotage myself. I have to mainly focus on my sleep for now.
I'm sure I sound like a lunatic, but I think there are most likely other people out there that struggle with this too. I want you to know your not alone and it's not about failing.