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    BEXCHALLENGE   903
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All or nothing

Monday, August 06, 2012

I mentioned in my sleep post about my all or nothing attitude. I have been called a perfectionist, told I am OCD, etc. Call it what you will, it really is a stumbling block for me.

When I do something, I want it to be perfect. Realistically that's not possible, but everytime I do something, I strive to do the absolute best I can, but never really am satisfied.

My weight has been a struggle for a long time. I want to lose weight. So many times I have decided I've had enough, but knew deep down I couldn't lose weight how I (thought) needed to. I knew I would fail, I just couldn't pull off perfection, I lacked the self control. So many times I wanted to change, but didn't even DO anything for that reason. I was afraid to fail. Call it pride, or what you will, but I am just being honest.

Once when I decided "this is it!", I started Weight Watchers. I am not knocking their program at all. I went to a few meetings. I even lost 9#'s my first week! But before long I was so consumed by my points. I was OBSESSED with points! It was all I focused on, thought about, etc. I realized that I couldn't continue with WW because I was a nut. I FAILED.

Now one would think, change it up, try something new, but all I saw was that I FAILED once again. It has taken me several years (and more added weight) to get to the point I am today. I am done being fat. I know I have to be realistic this time. Knowing it and doing it are two totally different things. I am trying to make small changes the main focus. Like I am eating well, but my focus right now is on sleep patterns. I have to make sure I don't get crazy if I eat bad, etc, because right now that's not my main focus.

I also am trying to avoid the scale. I tend to weigh myself several times a day, daily. It really is bad for me. Yes, I need to keep a close watch on my weight so I am not letting things go, but again-it sets me up to feel like a failure. If I gain .02#'s I feel like a complete failure. I am aiming to weigh monthly. The scale is not my main focus right now, but I am trying to avoid it so I don't sabotage myself. I have to mainly focus on my sleep for now.

I'm sure I sound like a lunatic, but I think there are most likely other people out there that struggle with this too. I want you to know your not alone and it's not about failing.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MILPAM3 8/6/2012 8:52PM

  Think of your weight loss journey as a GRADUAL trip toward perfection. One day you'll get there and you'll surprise even yourself.

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DAZZEEDOO 8/6/2012 6:41PM

    You are not a lunatic. I often read blogs here on SP about being obsessed with weighing. I've read where some people even remove the scales from their house, ask a friend to keep their scales, weigh only at the gym etc...
As far as the perfect diet- it would seem that it would be healthier for you mentally to just call this a lifestyle change. I can see how one can be obsessive, as when I first started food tracking, for a while my whole focus was about "how many calories is that" "can I eat this and still be in my range"... I solved this by planning my meals ahead, and entering them before I eat, now I generally know how many calories I have left for a snack during the day, with out stressing myself out. I do agree with you that going slowly will help you get control of that one thing, and then move onto the next. It may take longer, but going slowly will help you build habits that you will continue.
Much SUCCESS on Your new lifestyle!


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