Disappointment and determination
Monday, August 06, 2012
Saturday was half marathon #9 in 9 months - and my first did not finish. It was hot and I started showing signs of heat exhaustion at mile 7. I was on a personal best pace but with no shade, my weight, temp of approimately 83 degrees - the heat got the best of me. It is still a hard pill to swallow. I know I did the right thing but that does not take away the sting of a did not finish. So I started looking for other races in my general area that would have a cooler temperature and allow me to finish. I readily admit I am a very slow runner. But I am getting better and am under 4 hours. As I scouted the races my heart sank. Nearly all in the region, even the women friendly ones, are 3.5 hours or less time limits and many at 3 hours. My very best race time just a few weeks ago is not fast enough. Last night I seriously cried . Even with all I have done it is still not enough. It is not about beating my sister's half marathon count each year - this is literally about my sanity. I pour all my hurts, regrets, anger, etc into every step I take. Finding last night on many races I was not fast enough was a replay of all my old hurts from childhood where I felt that I was not enough. This morning I tried to revive the treadmill – after 2 minutes at a 16 minutes mile the belt stopped moving. It is offically dead. Fine – I will go outside and run – ipod is dead. Fined I will use my phone. Suddenly all the music I have moved to it I can find but wont play. I don’t care. I will go in the silence. I head out and then my Garmin says the battery is low and dies. I DON’T CARE. I run my 1.5 miles (to the mailbox and back to the house) – I have no idea how long I took or my pace. I have a ballpark idea as my husband called me while I was outside. I stopped after just one loop from the house to the mailbox and back as thunder is rolling up from the south and I don’t want to end up in a dangerous spot. Each of these things could have been a reason to stop. Each of these things could have been a reason to not even start. But you see I am in a fight for my life – and for that each of these things was a reason to go on.