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Disappointment and determination

Monday, August 06, 2012

Saturday was half marathon #9 in 9 months - and my first did not finish. It was hot and I started showing signs of heat exhaustion at mile 7. I was on a personal best pace but with no shade, my weight, temp of approimately 83 degrees - the heat got the best of me. It is still a hard pill to swallow. I know I did the right thing but that does not take away the sting of a did not finish. So I started looking for other races in my general area that would have a cooler temperature and allow me to finish. I readily admit I am a very slow runner. But I am getting better and am under 4 hours. As I scouted the races my heart sank. Nearly all in the region, even the women friendly ones, are 3.5 hours or less time limits and many at 3 hours. My very best race time just a few weeks ago is not fast enough. Last night I seriously cried . Even with all I have done it is still not enough. It is not about beating my sister's half marathon count each year - this is literally about my sanity. I pour all my hurts, regrets, anger, etc into every step I take. Finding last night on many races I was not fast enough was a replay of all my old hurts from childhood where I felt that I was not enough. This morning I tried to revive the treadmill – after 2 minutes at a 16 minutes mile the belt stopped moving. It is offically dead. Fine – I will go outside and run – ipod is dead. Fined I will use my phone. Suddenly all the music I have moved to it I can find but wont play. I don’t care. I will go in the silence. I head out and then my Garmin says the battery is low and dies. I DON’T CARE. I run my 1.5 miles (to the mailbox and back to the house) – I have no idea how long I took or my pace. I have a ballpark idea as my husband called me while I was outside. I stopped after just one loop from the house to the mailbox and back as thunder is rolling up from the south and I don’t want to end up in a dangerous spot. Each of these things could have been a reason to stop. Each of these things could have been a reason to not even start. But you see I am in a fight for my life – and for that each of these things was a reason to go on.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Heck yes! That was awesome. You totally fought all the hurdles and won. Keep it up!
    2011 days ago
    You are doing awesome.I was supposed to do a 5k on Father's Day and was unable to as they changed the date and it was a scheduling conflict. for me.I haven't even looked for another one yet,but have been meaning to you.You rock emoticon
    2047 days ago
    You are doing the incredible!!! I hope to have your determination one day. Enter those races, forget the time limit. Do the best you can, you may surprise yourself! From reading your story and your blog, I know that preservance is the key to getting healthy and happy. Thank you for sharing your story, and showing that even in the darkest hour, there is always a glimmer of light.
    2053 days ago
    emoticon I'm not a fast runner either. I have noticed that the last couple of days with the cooler temps., my time has been much better. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You will get there. I know there are alot of frustrations, but there is also the fact that you are a runner. That is something to be very proud of. Plus you are not giving up. emoticon
    2055 days ago
    I'm very proud that you made the decision to stop when you did. Being in the hospital suffering from heat exhaustion is not a very good option. The races that you were looking at, the ones with the 3 -3.5 hour limit, are they in areas that you could just move over to the sidewalk and continue on? How far off are those races? I would be willing to bet that once the temps cool off a bit, you'll be more energized and find that you have a faster time. - Just my opinion though. ;)

    emoticon - you can do it!

    10k Leader
    2055 days ago
    Hugs an WooHoo!

    I am so proud of you!

    You over came obstacles! That is a true champion and you listened to your body. You just tell those voices to hush up!!
    2055 days ago
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