Monday, August 06, 2012
Uggghh!! Another week gone by and I haven't managed to keep myself motivated for more than a day and continue to let my thoughts get in the way. So this is it...my official boo hoo! moment.
I have always struggled with my weight, even when I was a child. Take it off, put it on seems to be a way of life for me. But now I am really concerned... it is not just my weight but everything. It started about 4 years ago with a multitude of life events but culminated in my husband loosing his job and having to move from a community that I had lived in for 25 years. My life which was wrapped up in a neat little box was in a shambles.
The stress of moving, finding a new home and new job was a lot, so when I first moved into the new home I didn't overwhelm myself with having to have everything done. But it seems to have carried over into everything. I don't want to clean, wash, grocery shop, organize or do much of anything. I force myself to get out of bed in the morning and then just mull around when I have free time... thinking about all the things I need to do instead of getting them done. I never really feel great and sometimes even think that I need food to give me energy (which only lasts for a very short while). I end every evening thinking tomorrow I will do..... and wake up in the morning with the same attitude. Problem is it very quickly goes away and I am back to the same old same old.
Since moving to my new home and life I have gained 40 pounds
and I can't seem to get back in control. It was just a few short weeks ago that I listed steps to get to where I wanted to be and aside from posting the motto all over I haven't gotten any further.
Yes, yes, yes I know this sounds like depression and part of it is. But really!! come on already, I already take medication for that! I know I am lonely in my new environment. It just doesn't seem to be the place for me and I am not quite sure how to change that. I know being an empty nester probably has something to do with all of it... after running your life around your kids for 20 years its hard to think of yourself first (although I don't know why). I am a special education teacher and love what I do, but hate all of the organizational paperwork and crap that seems to just keep getting piled on and then for whatever reason believe I have to keep proving myself. And my list can go on and on. Bottom line is I am afraid... if I keep on like this I will just fall into a hole (sometimes I think no one will even notice).
So now that I have gotten that off my chest, how do I move on. I am not 100% sure but I know for today I am going to go out into that messy garage and get it done once and for all. I like to ride my bicycle but have had difficulty getting up the hills in my new environment. Another member suggested that I just take the bike and ride up the hill out of my development (which I can't do) several times a day (using my granny gears, which I looked up and means the easiest gear I have) so I am going to try that as well. Maybe I'll even take the load of wash out of the washer I did last night
At least a few steps in the right direction!