Sunday, August 05, 2012
We have all heard the condemnation about "fat people." You're fat because you have no self control - you're fat because you're a pig - you're fat because you're lazy - you're fat because of genetics (which REALLY sucks because it sounds like there are no choices in that one). Well, I have a new revelation-
I'm FAT because IT lives inside me and IT refuses to go.
No, IT is not a Stephen King novel, or an alien invader... IT IS PAIN. IT probably arrived even before I can remember. My earliest remembrance as a child is very vivid to me. I was preschool age (very young) and lying on a table at a doctor's office. My legs were spread because I had what I think was some kind of urinary tract infection. The nurse was doing some kind of procedure (inserting a catheter?) and I remember a burning sensation. There was bright medical light above me. Now, you may be thinking, "Wow, how scary for such a little girl. How traumatic." But that's not what I remember. At one point during this exam, the nurse patted my arm, looked in my eyes and smiled and said, "It's OK, sweetie." SOMETHING WARM GLOWED IN ME IN THAT SECOND. I felt LOVE, I think, for the first time that I can remember EVER. Yes, I had a mother and father. No, my mother wasn't in that room with me, but she brought me there. Yet, I never remember EVER feeling like someone cared about me until that moment. How very sad I feel for that little girl. She was such a cute little girl - red, curly hair and beautiful blue eyes. She loved to sing, she loved to play imaginary games with her Barbies and toys - but she was always on guard. Her mother often said, "God, I wish I NEVER had children." She would slap her and say, "Lie still! When it was time to take a nap although the little girl tried her best not to move a muscle because her mother was tired." Her mother would talk about how beautiful her long red curls were - she would even take pictures of her hair all the time - "if ONLY you weren't so fat." Her mother would take her shopping for clothes and say, "It doesn't matter what you wear, everything looks the same on a galloping horse" or " We will have to buy your clothes from Omar the Tent-Maker" because she was very tall and big and the "normal" little girl clothes wouldn't fit. To this day, my mother rarely calls and spends all her time (literally - she has no friends of her own) with her redneck, backwards husband who is an ASS. She didn't even come up to see her son who is dying from cancer when he was in the hospital. She doesn't give a damn. She doesn't KNOW how to give a damn. I forgave her years ago when I finally acknowledged that she is never going to be the mother that I wanted - that I DESERVED - but I know that the little girl is still there, and she still cries sometimes, and she still LONGS to have unconditional love. Someday, from someone...
IT is that ever-present pain that began so long ago. IT is that longing to TRULY BELIEVE in my heart of hearts that I AM beautiful, I AM special, I AM worthy of love. But I still do everything I can to cover IT. I still constantly perform for friends, family and even strangers to earn what is rightfully mine - what I NEED to find inside myself. SELF LOVE. I say it everyday - tell myself that I'm beautiful, special, smart - but I know that deep down inside, I still don't believe it. WHY? WHY? Will IT never die until SHE says those words? Until SHE finally makes me believe that I'm loveable? I just can't accept that - it is not fair that my happiness is contingent upon the person who physically gave birth to me, but then left me EMOTIONALLY BEREFT.
How amazing, that despite her putting no love into my heart - I have it in measures untold for everyone I meet. But I send it out SO WILLINGLY AND IN SUCH QUANTITY, because I am hoping so badly to get it back. And I do -from literally HUNDREDS of amazing friends, from other family members, from those who hear me sing and are literally strangers. But IT has this damn force field around me - and IT won't let me take it in...
These last four months, I have not fed it with food - until yesterday. I binged yesterday and that is what had me thinking so hard. WHY? WHY NOW? The reason is because IT has not been ignored these last four months at all. IT has not been dormant or quiet. I have been feeding IT other things. I have been feeding IT with sex. I have been feeding it meeting men from the Internet that I barely know... pushing away the ones that want to REALLY know me and care about me... and embracing the ones that just want to use my body (and I theirs) to NUMB OUT. I refuse to place value on that (slut, stupid, trash, whore) because there is no need to - it is dangerous and stupid. I know that. I have used sex the way I have been using food - replaced my addiction to food with an addiction to sex. Why? TO COVER THE PAIN - TO EXORCISE "IT."
IT is still there. IT still hurts. IT won't go away and I don't know what to do. I am so angry and frustrated and ... afraid. I know that I need therapy for this... and I have tried before. I'm a serial therapy drop out. Hell, I'm a social worker wth 21 years' experience. I KNOW what's going on, so it's SO HARD for me to sit there and talk to someone openly an honestly AND to believe they know what they're doing.
So today I decided that the best thing I can do right now, for me, is to EXPOSE IT. IT is now out there for you to see, which begins to take away the power of IT. IT thrives on secrecy and masking. IT has still been in control. SO I know how to take away IT'S control over my eating. I have proven that I can do that - and talking openly and honestly with all my sparkfriends has helped me do that. SO today I'm going to take away ITS control over my sex addiction. I'm going to talk openly and honestly about that with you all. I understand if it's TMI for some - don't blame you at all if you no longer want to follow this battle. But if you can keep walking this journey with me, I NEED YOU. I need you to give it to me with both barrels - don't pull any punches. I know that taking away food AND sex will cause IT to find something else. I don't want to allow that. I want to keep pushing forward until IT has to finally GET OUT - be EXORCISED.
In the meantime, I AM going to keep living my life (for once upon a time, IT almost made me kill myself). I AM going to keep laughing, loving, singing, living healthy, joking, friending, and moving forward. I WILL live my laugh without IT controlling me. I WILL.
I GOT THIS.