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I Can't Kill IT Until I Expose IT (Caution: RAW Reflection Inside)

Sunday, August 05, 2012

We have all heard the condemnation about "fat people." You're fat because you have no self control - you're fat because you're a pig - you're fat because you're lazy - you're fat because of genetics (which REALLY sucks because it sounds like there are no choices in that one). Well, I have a new revelation-

I'm FAT because IT lives inside me and IT refuses to go.

No, IT is not a Stephen King novel, or an alien invader... IT IS PAIN. IT probably arrived even before I can remember. My earliest remembrance as a child is very vivid to me. I was preschool age (very young) and lying on a table at a doctor's office. My legs were spread because I had what I think was some kind of urinary tract infection. The nurse was doing some kind of procedure (inserting a catheter?) and I remember a burning sensation. There was bright medical light above me. Now, you may be thinking, "Wow, how scary for such a little girl. How traumatic." But that's not what I remember. At one point during this exam, the nurse patted my arm, looked in my eyes and smiled and said, "It's OK, sweetie." SOMETHING WARM GLOWED IN ME IN THAT SECOND. I felt LOVE, I think, for the first time that I can remember EVER. Yes, I had a mother and father. No, my mother wasn't in that room with me, but she brought me there. Yet, I never remember EVER feeling like someone cared about me until that moment. How very sad I feel for that little girl. She was such a cute little girl - red, curly hair and beautiful blue eyes. She loved to sing, she loved to play imaginary games with her Barbies and toys - but she was always on guard. Her mother often said, "God, I wish I NEVER had children." She would slap her and say, "Lie still! When it was time to take a nap although the little girl tried her best not to move a muscle because her mother was tired." Her mother would talk about how beautiful her long red curls were - she would even take pictures of her hair all the time - "if ONLY you weren't so fat." Her mother would take her shopping for clothes and say, "It doesn't matter what you wear, everything looks the same on a galloping horse" or " We will have to buy your clothes from Omar the Tent-Maker" because she was very tall and big and the "normal" little girl clothes wouldn't fit. To this day, my mother rarely calls and spends all her time (literally - she has no friends of her own) with her redneck, backwards husband who is an ASS. She didn't even come up to see her son who is dying from cancer when he was in the hospital. She doesn't give a damn. She doesn't KNOW how to give a damn. I forgave her years ago when I finally acknowledged that she is never going to be the mother that I wanted - that I DESERVED - but I know that the little girl is still there, and she still cries sometimes, and she still LONGS to have unconditional love. Someday, from someone...

IT is that ever-present pain that began so long ago. IT is that longing to TRULY BELIEVE in my heart of hearts that I AM beautiful, I AM special, I AM worthy of love. But I still do everything I can to cover IT. I still constantly perform for friends, family and even strangers to earn what is rightfully mine - what I NEED to find inside myself. SELF LOVE. I say it everyday - tell myself that I'm beautiful, special, smart - but I know that deep down inside, I still don't believe it. WHY? WHY? Will IT never die until SHE says those words? Until SHE finally makes me believe that I'm loveable? I just can't accept that - it is not fair that my happiness is contingent upon the person who physically gave birth to me, but then left me EMOTIONALLY BEREFT.

How amazing, that despite her putting no love into my heart - I have it in measures untold for everyone I meet. But I send it out SO WILLINGLY AND IN SUCH QUANTITY, because I am hoping so badly to get it back. And I do -from literally HUNDREDS of amazing friends, from other family members, from those who hear me sing and are literally strangers. But IT has this damn force field around me - and IT won't let me take it in...

These last four months, I have not fed it with food - until yesterday. I binged yesterday and that is what had me thinking so hard. WHY? WHY NOW? The reason is because IT has not been ignored these last four months at all. IT has not been dormant or quiet. I have been feeding IT other things. I have been feeding IT with sex. I have been feeding it meeting men from the Internet that I barely know... pushing away the ones that want to REALLY know me and care about me... and embracing the ones that just want to use my body (and I theirs) to NUMB OUT. I refuse to place value on that (slut, stupid, trash, whore) because there is no need to - it is dangerous and stupid. I know that. I have used sex the way I have been using food - replaced my addiction to food with an addiction to sex. Why? TO COVER THE PAIN - TO EXORCISE "IT."

IT is still there. IT still hurts. IT won't go away and I don't know what to do. I am so angry and frustrated and ... afraid. I know that I need therapy for this... and I have tried before. I'm a serial therapy drop out. Hell, I'm a social worker wth 21 years' experience. I KNOW what's going on, so it's SO HARD for me to sit there and talk to someone openly an honestly AND to believe they know what they're doing.

So today I decided that the best thing I can do right now, for me, is to EXPOSE IT. IT is now out there for you to see, which begins to take away the power of IT. IT thrives on secrecy and masking. IT has still been in control. SO I know how to take away IT'S control over my eating. I have proven that I can do that - and talking openly and honestly with all my sparkfriends has helped me do that. SO today I'm going to take away ITS control over my sex addiction. I'm going to talk openly and honestly about that with you all. I understand if it's TMI for some - don't blame you at all if you no longer want to follow this battle. But if you can keep walking this journey with me, I NEED YOU. I need you to give it to me with both barrels - don't pull any punches. I know that taking away food AND sex will cause IT to find something else. I don't want to allow that. I want to keep pushing forward until IT has to finally GET OUT - be EXORCISED.

In the meantime, I AM going to keep living my life (for once upon a time, IT almost made me kill myself). I AM going to keep laughing, loving, singing, living healthy, joking, friending, and moving forward. I WILL live my laugh without IT controlling me. I WILL.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I can understand how ones validation can become so important. But, that said, and, realizing that this comes from a complete stranger, you hacpve answered it yourself.

    The woman isn't capable of it. She just isn't. Never will be. You have done something most with your background cannot. You didn't wallow, you devoted your working live to social work and giving back to others, You're likely a fixer. You're not happy in your life unless those around you are all okay...and right now, they aren't. Not with your daughters drug issues and your brothers illness.

    Those things are wearing on you mentally.

    Give yourself a break, hon. You grew up being emotionally abused, if not physically. The one thing you have control over is you. Take it and keep it.

    I'd bet you aren't sleeping well and your teeth are grinding because you can't fix what's wrong with those you least in part.

    Perhaps for a start, you could try journal writing if therapy isn't right for you at this time.

    But, basically, give yourself permission not to be perfect. None of us are.

    I'm with you on the weather. If its rainy, my mood goes right down. I can relate to a lot of what I have read in your blogs.

    Keep on keeping on. You got this.
    1845 days ago
    Sorry I have not had time to write lately, but I will be by your side for as long as you want to share your journey. You got this!

    1891 days ago
  • MAGIC815
    I came to your page today to tell you that, though we've never met, I am inspired by you. And read this blog which totally blew me away. Whatever admiration I have for you has now at least tripled. These words fail me. really. You DO inspire me. I think you are amazing. And I think that you are beautiful.

    1899 days ago
  • SLPORTER1978
    What a great and honest blog. Thank you for sharing! You have really made me think a lot about my life and what I am hiding inside from the world. You are a wonderful person and I hope that you are able to free yourself from IT. Hugs!
    1901 days ago
    You have incredible insight on your family's dysfunction, which means that you can beat this. It clearly does not define you - I've seen how much you love and how proud you are of your children, even when they mess up. You are as imperfect as the rest of humanity, and you're going to blow it on occasion, but you *know* that you deserve to be happy and healthy. Falling off the horse doesn't define us, even if it happens routinely or in a spectacular fashion; getting back on does.
    1901 days ago

    I have never understood how one person's validation can mean so much to us when we have so many others in our lives that provide so much more, but I have experienced it myself. By confronting it so bravely you are taking away it's power. As a woman with plenty of self-esteem issues of my own I can certainly understand the transition to sex. Casual sex is an easy (perhaps too easy) way to feel beautiful and desirable for a short while without worrying about how the other party really feels about you. I've been guilty of it myself and, in fact, that was exactly what I was looking for when I met my fiance three years ago. Funny how things work out sometimes. It's only by confronting our fears, our demons, that we move forward towards our goals and you do that admirably every day because you are a strong woman, a smart woman, a talented woman and yes a beautiful woman. You inspire us all, every day and deserve every bit of our love and admiration.
    1901 days ago
  • _MOBII_
    You ARE beautiful, you ARE special, and you ARE worthy of love!

    The IT you are speaking of may not be in a SK novel, but it is just as bad and exposure will hurt IT and help you! You are very brave to share this blog with us and you deserve all the respect in the world for sharing!

    Like everyone, you cannot pick your family, but you can pick your friends and make a family of your own choosing!

    You are surrounded with love and support here! We come to your page because youARE beautiful, special, worthy, and important!
    1901 days ago
    How brave and courageous of you to share this. I commend you. I am proud to be your friend and to share this journey with you. It will be hard, no doubt about it. But writing this today is a positive step I think.
    1901 days ago
    Write it to right it. I read that somewhere once. I hope by getting this out you have taken away some of "its" power. I'm writing that in lower-case to try to take away a little more. You are a wonderful person, spreading love in this world, and I'm sure that love will come back to you. Stay strong and know you are really wonderful. xxx
    1901 days ago
    emoticon You are a strong woman and you can do this. Every new little goal you reach physically will make you believe in yourself that much more. Keep your motivation and your passion to keep moving forward. Shedding those pounds is gonna be just like dropping unwanted baggage of your shoulders. Fitness is just as much emotional health as it is physical health, Exercise strengthens both aspects of your life. Keep pressing on! You GOT this!! I believe in you. Xo
    1901 days ago
    Thank you for sharing, and showing courage. I am trying to find my it . . . anyhow you inspire me to keep searching. Hugs
    1901 days ago
    WOW. You really put it all out there, and I believe that's a good thing. To lay one's self bare and expose all of the things that you normally try to keep in the dark. Just the act of putting those things in writing can be cathartic, finally exposing a secret that has been such a heavy burden. Good for you.

    Obviously I don't have any answers, but I know that you aren't looking here for any either. This blog was just an exercise in exposure. I sincerely hope that you find what it is that you need to kill IT.
    1901 days ago
    Wow!! What an honest blog from deep in your heart and soul. I had a friend one time tell me that we have to let go of our inner demons in order to lose the weight. I believe that there is a lot of truth in that. You are starting a long healing process.
    Along this journey know that you have touched many people's lives (mine included). You show support, honesty and caring. What an awesome individual you are! emoticon
    1902 days ago
    Thank you so much for sharing. It takes a lot of courage to put that all out there. I've only been able to blog about little dribbles of my pain, but someday maybe, I will be able to post about the IT living inside me...

    When I came home from shopping when I was 17, told my dad I had bought a new dress, he said "oh, is Omar the tent maker back in town?" Sick minds think alike, huh?

    I hope you find blogging cathartic and liberating. I'm on daily if you'd ever like to talk privately.

    1902 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/5/2012 12:30:03 PM
    I Love You. Over the last few months I have come to love my beautiful, honest spark friend who gives support, encouragement and writes brutally honest blogs that make us sit up and look at ourselves honestly.
    I LOVE that beautiful red haired, blue eyed little girl who's mother should have been in that exam room, holding her hand, giving all the unconditional love that EVERY child deserves.
    Unfortunately, I know too well, much of what you have gone through and are still experiencing. My mother NEVER offered that unconditional love that I desperately craved. I don't want to take away from your shared experience by getting into it but let's just say, that 7 years ago, when I finally stood up to her and told her to stop mentally abusing MY children, she cut us all completely out of her life (she is my children's ONLY grandparent). In so many ways, I am better off away from the verbal and emotional abuse BUT how can my own mother hate me? It really hurts. I understand. As a teenager, I also sought love in any way I could. If I didn't meet my husband when I was just turning 19, who knows what I would have done to myself.
    We have to learn to let go of the pain. Hang in there. Know you are loved, unconditionally. And please call if you feel like talking. Maybe 2 Raleigh girls can learn to let go, together. (919-896-2533).

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon Jackie
    1902 days ago
    This post broke my heart. My thoughts are with you on your incredibly difficult journey. It is amazingly brave that you are sharing so honestly. Thank you. emoticon
    1902 days ago
    My mother never (that I can remember) told me I was fat, mostly because she herself is obese. But she got me in other ways: "All you care about it money. You only like your father more than me because he has a better job. Your grandmother always hated me and is trying to keep us apart. Nobody cares how I feel." Etc, etc. All of which, of course, was untrue. I couldn't stand her because she treated everyone like crap because she was miserable, so everyone else had to be. And unlike you, she did not give birth to me, she ADOPTED me. Someone you think would really want kids, right? Unh uh.

    When my Gran died, I lost the only female figure in my life that I felt truly loved me, and I became very depressed. I went to therapy for about 6 months. I tried to talk to my mother about it, tell her how she made me feel. It was like talking to a wall. She never changed.

    So I cut her out of my life completely. And I realized, none of her miserableness or problems WERE ANY FAULT OF MY OWN. She had projected them onto me, and made me believe I was a horrible person, but I wasn't!

    Make yourself realize that other people's happiness is not your problem! If she's a cranky b!tch and her life sucks, that doesn't mean it's your fault, and you are under no obligation to make her happy. If you don't think she'll change, then cut her off. Some people are toxic and they don't deserve GOOD people like YOU.

    It took me therapy to figure that out and get it off my chest, and my life has been so much better without her in my life. It's liberating.

    YOU are GOOD.
    YOU are SPECIAL.
    And I'm 100% sure YOU are LOVED. Maybe not by her, but it sounds like she's pretty much incapable of loving people, including herself.

    You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends, and if they want to spend time with you, then they love you.

    And your SparkBuddies love you!

    1902 days ago
    I do know how it feels to not be loved by the female lead in the home but I also know how it feels to hat yourself I go threw this and It is not easy to learn to like yourself when all you were ever taught as a child was that you are no good.

    but as time goes on we never forget but we can learn how to love I found this out when my children were born I found that I am a good person and that I am worth wile that the ""mother"" that I had was wrong I do not miss her I only feel sorry for her because she died with out knowing the great young men that I gave birth to and she will not know what a great person I am because she never knew me.

    I will keep you in my prayers and I hope that you can move past this point in your life and find a very happy place to keep your spirit and your thoughts I know it is there I had to find mine

    may the goods lord be with you and may you find peace
    1902 days ago
    Well that is some post. (((HUGS))) for that little girl.....
    You are a strong woman and came overcome this....
    Keep on sparking and take it one step at a time. You will have setbacks. but push on. Because you will triumph in the end,and it will be worth al the hardship and struggles! You go Girl! emoticon emoticon
    1902 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/5/2012 11:16:18 AM
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