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Centers and teachers and logistics, oh my!

Friday, August 03, 2012

Melancholy. There’s just no other word for how I’ve been feeling lately, but don’t worry. This isn’t another poor me blog. It’s just that as I try to get back into living more mindfully these thoughts sometime assail me. I don’t know WHY I’ve been melancholy. I guess because I feel like I’m having trouble finding my center. Emotionally, Psychologically, Spiritually, and Physically. It’s as if my essence has been drawn and quartered.

I feel as if I’ve built a wall around me lately. Not so much to keep people out, but to keep me in : to keep me safe, to keep me from having to DEAL with things. If I stay inside and keep the blinds drawn, I’ll never know the front yard is on fire. On the other hand, neither will I know that Unicorns are dancing out there waiting for me to come and play.

Every time I feel like I have things figured out I get hit with something else unexpected. Something else to have to deal with, another burden to shoulder. I know, I know, everyone has this. It's called LIFE!

Sorry. No, I’m not sorry. I mean, if you’re trying to decipher this nonsense, I’m sorry to waste your time, but it seems as if I’m spending an awful lot of time apologizing lately, and it all seems to boil down to one basic fact : I’m not Super girl, I’m not Wonder Woman, heck, I’m not even Aquaman. I’m just trying to muddle along this maze of my life without getting my head chopped off like a character in an Indiana Jones movie.

I got kind of a shock tonight. Our Sifu (the Chinese Martial Arts equivalent, and more, of the Japanese Sensei) has had to take an afternoon job for at least a short time. This means he won’t be available to teach us for a while beginning September first. This means he is turning the class over to me if I and the class am willing.

Willing? Um, yeah. TERRIFIED, but willing. He’s had me lead the class the past few sessions and as many of you know I received my full instructor status in June. On one hand I do not feel ready, but on the other hand I’ve had two months to get used to the idea. In fact, the woman who runs one of the local gyms had approached me about teaching a class before I had received my certification as a full instructor, so the thought has been rambling around for a while.

I guess this is just one more thing in the great whirlpool that is my mind. Not just the taking over the class (if the other students are willing) but the logistics. I’ve been bogged down by logistics lately, and I’m beginning to think this is one of those lessons I need to learn. Or at least a lesson I need to put into practice again. I had it down pretty good for a while there, but it’s all gone by the wayside lately.

It’s just kind of a pain that these lessons have decided to cast subtlety adrift and have resorted to waterboarding. Guess what, Soxy, you cannot turn your back on the things you have to do. In the first place, if you don’t do them, no one else will. In the second place, isn’t the whole point here to learn and grow? I could quote platitudes to you all day (you of all people know that to be true) but I guess I’ll give Nike the last (paraphrased) word : stop whining and Just do it!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You need to at least as much confidence in yourself as others have in you. Your Sifu wouldn't ask you to do something that he didn't think you were capable of.

    You CAN do it!
    1927 days ago
    I completely understand. You would think by the time we hit adulthood we would have a better idea of who we are and where we stand. But you are right, there are still lessons to learn and you have to face them head on if you want to grow. I also felt that I needed to be a Superwoman, and I was extremely dejected when I couldn't make it work. Choose the things that are really important to you, that make you feel good and allow for balance.

    When I was a new teacher I was also really nervous about teaching. I discovered that if I practiced teaching the lessons, by myself in the classroom, it was easier to present them with confidence.

    And thank you for posting this. It's good to know that others are also finding their paths through life.
    1932 days ago
    Hi there. I do not know you- but I couldn't help but to wonder about your melancholy. I had gone through a period of depression and melancholy a few years ago. I did not understand why either. I had a good life. I was happy. My husband actually helped me realize that it was the every day stresses. I was taking too much on mentally. It wasn't that I was so stretched out that I had no time. It was rather that my commitments required a lot of my mental and emotional time. I wanted everything that I did to be the best that it could.

    So, I would think about those things all of the time. It is draining. So, I am wondering if that might be the same for you. In which case- I ask- is now the right time for you mentally to take on this class? I think it is wonderful that you were asked to take over. I see that as an honor. I tip my hat to you. Just be sure that it was is good for you right now.

    1932 days ago
    I know how you feel! But so agree with Bear Goddess. Get out there and do it, you will be great!
    1932 days ago
    I'm going with BearGoddess on this. The universe is taking your "eh, maybe someday" and turning it into a "right now." You want this and now you're getting a shove in the right direction. Leap or fall. Your choice. But I'm guessing...scratch that. I KNOW you're going to leap. Because you are a superhero. You are Soxy, champion of overthinkers and overschedulers, motivator extraordinaire, shining example to runners and would-be runners and never-going-to-run-but-still-need-a
    -fitabulous-someone-to-look-up-to. (OK. That last part needs some work.) And you probably rescue kittens from trees in your spare time cause that's just the kind of gal you are. I swear I'm going to get you a cape.

    Seriously, though. Commit to the things that are important to you. The rest will fall into place.
    1932 days ago
    Life does seem to have a way of not giving my dear friend Shannon many CHOICES about what she's going to have to shoulder next, does it? I'm afraid that Nike probably has it right. The Universe says that Soxy's ready to take on the leadership of her class; then it's either run or "Just do it" and don't over-think it or it'll be imbued with drama which it probably doesn't really need.
    I'm experiencing growing pains here at Spark and can relate to the first couple of paragraphs of your blog myself. The melancholy, the protective wall.........

    I think with you though, really in the short time I've known you, I've seen you hit with big stresses which would really throw some people completely off their feet! You seem to have this marvelous ability, even while being buffeted by the wind, to keep one foot on the ground. I don't know if it's a benefit from your martial arts discipline or what, but I admire you for it! Any time you need to talk, remember "da bear cave" is always open!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1933 days ago
    No not a waste of time. Emotions are never a waste of time.
    1933 days ago
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