Friday, August 03, 2012
Melancholy. Thereís just no other word for how Iíve been feeling lately, but donít worry. This isnít another poor me blog. Itís just that as I try to get back into living more mindfully these thoughts sometime assail me. I donít know WHY Iíve been melancholy. I guess because I feel like Iím having trouble finding my center. Emotionally, Psychologically, Spiritually, and Physically. Itís as if my essence has been drawn and quartered.
I feel as if Iíve built a wall around me lately. Not so much to keep people out, but to keep me in : to keep me safe, to keep me from having to DEAL with things. If I stay inside and keep the blinds drawn, Iíll never know the front yard is on fire. On the other hand, neither will I know that Unicorns are dancing out there waiting for me to come and play.
Every time I feel like I have things figured out I get hit with something else unexpected. Something else to have to deal with, another burden to shoulder. I know, I know, everyone has this. It's called LIFE!
Sorry. No, Iím not sorry. I mean, if youíre trying to decipher this nonsense, Iím sorry to waste your time, but it seems as if Iím spending an awful lot of time apologizing lately, and it all seems to boil down to one basic fact : Iím not Super girl, Iím not Wonder Woman, heck, Iím not even Aquaman. Iím just trying to muddle along this maze of my life without getting my head chopped off like a character in an Indiana Jones movie.
I got kind of a shock tonight. Our Sifu (the Chinese Martial Arts equivalent, and more, of the Japanese Sensei) has had to take an afternoon job for at least a short time. This means he wonít be available to teach us for a while beginning September first. This means he is turning the class over to me if I and the class am willing.
Willing? Um, yeah. TERRIFIED, but willing. Heís had me lead the class the past few sessions and as many of you know I received my full instructor status in June. On one hand I do not feel ready, but on the other hand Iíve had two months to get used to the idea. In fact, the woman who runs one of the local gyms had approached me about teaching a class before I had received my certification as a full instructor, so the thought has been rambling around for a while.
I guess this is just one more thing in the great whirlpool that is my mind. Not just the taking over the class (if the other students are willing) but the logistics. Iíve been bogged down by logistics lately, and Iím beginning to think this is one of those lessons I need to learn. Or at least a lesson I need to put into practice again. I had it down pretty good for a while there, but itís all gone by the wayside lately.
Itís just kind of a pain that these lessons have decided to cast subtlety adrift and have resorted to waterboarding. Guess what, Soxy, you cannot turn your back on the things you have to do. In the first place, if you donít do them, no one else will. In the second place, isnít the whole point here to learn and grow? I could quote platitudes to you all day (you of all people know that to be true) but I guess Iíll give Nike the last (paraphrased) word : stop whining and Just do it!