Friday, August 03, 2012
The excuses attacked. They surrounded me and pulled me down. I admit it, I gave in. I allowed myself to be taken in by stress, heartache, laziness, and lack of motivation. I have been meaning to come back for so long, but I have been ashamed of myself for giving in.
The past few months have been rough. Things with my writing group became very stressful and hostile, and I ended up leaving the group. It was a very sad day for me. School became very overwhelming and money got really tight, so I depended on convenience foods. I haven't been sleeping much due to stress, so I have been using it as an excuse to not exercise. Then my good friend and mentor lost her battle with Leukemia and passed away. I have been very depressed.
My father-in-law goes in for double bypass surgery on Monday. My husband and I have been arguing about money a lot, and tensions are really high in my household right now. Finally, I snapped this morning at about 3:30 AM. I woke up out of a dead sleep and started having a panic attack. I couldn't go back to sleep, and I found myself being very angry with my husband. I sat in bed staring at him thinking, "Should I tell him I'm unhappy, or should I just tell him I want a divorce?"
When I thought about it, I didn't want to just give up on us like that, so I kicked him awake and told him we needed to talk. He wasn't happy, but I didn't care. When you reach that point where you need to make a big change in your life, you need to do it immediately. I told him I am unhappy and that we need to talk about our problems. We had a long talk, and I think I started to get through to him. I don't blame him for all our problems, we are both to blame. I feel better having gotten some things off my chest.
We also talked about our intimate relationship, and we told each other the same thing, "I would like it if you lost weight." I told him that we should do it together because it would be easier for both of us that way, and we can rely on each other for support. He seemed keen on the idea, and I signed him up for Spark People as well to help him keep track of everything.
I don't know exactly how things will end up for us. But I can honestly say I feel good about having talked. We can't just keep ignoring things and hoping our problems go away, and we need to be more involved in each other's lives.