I have done a lot of work on my binge issues in the last few years.
In the last few months, I determined that my binging is very bad when my stress level is high.
Eating -especially sugar- calms me.
So now I have to work on my stress level.
When I went to OA quite a few years ago, I was told that if I avoided my binge foods I would not binge.
If it would have been true, I would not have binged ever again.
But I did.
I read the book wheat belly and the author said if I did not eat wheat, I would not binge.
Not so. I binged. I have been binging since last Sunday, when my wonderful teenage daughter informed me she was moving out....in 8 days.
She moved her stuff out when I was not there,little by little,after she told me.
So every time I came home,there was less of her.
Add PMS week on top of that.......
Eating a bottle of fluff actually calmed me enough to not have a melt down.
But I almost had one at a store when the guy (who I see everyday-part of my job!) joked that I looked stressed and asked if I needed a hug.
That guy does not know how close he came to have a crying,hysterical female on his hands.
of should I say,,on his shoulder.
But i came through and only cried in the car....for 4 days all I did was cry when I was alone.
I'm ok now. I even went to visit where she lives.
I had 2 choices..
1-have a fit,a big fight and have her leave without speaking to me.
2-think about when I was a teenager and realize this is payback for everything that I put my mom through and keep the peace so if something goes wrong,she will be able to come back.
I choose 2
Now,back to binging.
I have been wheat free for 4 weeks.
I lost weight but I know it's because I ate better-less junk food(except for this week).
I actually had forgotten how gross it feels to eat too much,how my belly hurt from fitting more food than it can handle.
I wanted to purge last night because I felt sick,but I do not want to go down that path.
I think I feel a little better,but not as good as the author of the book promised I would.
I actually don't find it that hard to follow, and I eat other grains-millet,quinoa-which I ate before anyway,and I did not eat that much bread.
But,it did not stop my binging.
I have a real hard time to handle anxiety.
I take something for anxiety that my naturopath gave me,but when I forgot to take it for a few nights in a row-I had a panic attack Monday.
Wasn't bad,but It's not a good thing.
It's a natural remedy that helps with my anxiety/binging, but it's not a cure.
So in other words,I have to work on it and mix in a good batch of wills.
I did not feel like going to zumba on Tuesday,but I went anyways and it was a good decision.
I love it so much,if it wasn't so tiring, I would do it everyday!
I also learned that my binging is not an out of control random act.
I do have control and I choose to eat because it stops the pain/anxiety/bad feelings.
In all my binges this week,I still avoided wheat.
I chose my food carefully so it did not have wheat.
Now all I have to do is chose not to binge.
It can be done.
But I need to face the pain and be willing to just let it through me and pass to the other side.
Maybe if I just chanted"this too shall pass!" and white knuckle it,it would get easier. Or not.
I now know for 100% sure that my binging is not due to what I eat or don't eat.
It's all related to my stress/anxiety and how I handle it.
So, next step is to learn new coping mechanism.
And maybe relax a little!