Thursday, August 02, 2012
There's something very liberating about finally being able to tell someone "my secret."
For a very long time my bingeing was my business, my secret, and there wasn't anything else to say. Final. Period! End of story!! I didn't want to tell anyone, because I was embarrassed, and I thought people would think I was weak and "messed up."
I was worried they would judge me and look down on me. The shame that accompanies bingeing (for me) is unbearable. So unbearable it would actually lead to more bingeing.
Just admitting to myself I have a problem was a huge step, and trying to do something about it has been the biggest step yet. I finally realized that no diet in the world was going to cure me, and that dieting (for me) was actually making the problem worse. It was a light bulb moment. It happened about 6 weeks ago when my husband and I were at a 2nd hand book store. I was searching the diet section and he went off in another direction. I wasn't even looking for a particular book; I was just searching for something, anything to help me lose weight. I saw an interesting title on the self. The book was When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair: 50 Ways to Feel Thin, Gorgeous, and Happy (When You Feel Anything But) By Geneen Roth. It definitely caught my attention because countless times I have stood eating anything I could find straight from the fridge. I sat down and started reading it and I bought it and finished it the next day. I found another one of her books When Food is Love on a digital library loan, and Feeding the Hungry Heart from a nearby library. For the first time I realized what I was doing to myself. I tried "not dieting" and gained 5 pounds the first week, and after a few more weeks the need to diet got very overwhelming. Finally when I joined Sparks with the intention to lose weight, I found something much better. I found the Living Binge Free team and some other really good teams too :) I found people who don't judge, instead they encourage. I found the courage to write about my bingeing instead of pretending it's not a problem. So now what? I still have a long road ahead. I know I need a plan in case I binge again. I hope I don't but if I do then I'm going to go get professional help. I'm working on telling a friend that I can trust and talking openly about this with my husband. I have my bracelet (yesterday's post) and when I look at it I'm reminded that I'm stronger than I ever realized. I have my blog. A little corner in the cyber world where I can write how I feel
without feeling ashamed or judged. So I'll keep writing. I may even have something to write about besides refraining from bingeing. I've almost made it through another day of the hardest week of my life, and it didn't feel so hard today because instead of stuffing down my feelings with food, I'm just feeling my feelings. Grief hurts, but self-loathing and self disgust hurt more. I realized that this week. So I'll just keep taking it one day at a time, hour by hour, and minute by minute. Whatever it takes (without bingeing)