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    EVER-HOPEFUL   130,779
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for one year(august 1st 2011)

Thursday, August 02, 2012

should of posted this blog yesturday lo but didnīt have the time so here it is one year late.

exactly a year ago today my life changed and the start of what has been my hardest year yet began.hard both physically and emotionally and it is not over yet.what happened that was the day i had my facial paralise.you know what when it happened i didnīt even notice or feel anything.i we were on holiday in tunisia and visiting my sil and her husband and seeing her new baby for the first time.when suddenly lotfi interupted me speaking to hudia to ask what had happened to my face.i didnīt have a clue what he was talking about.then hudia and shokari started staring as well i went to a mirror and the face that was staring at me wasnīt mine even though it was.it was such a shock.we went to the dr there and they thought it was because of the change of air between germany and tunisia i would have smiled if i could lol as i thought it was such a stupid diagnosis.when i told my sister this she laughed and said i now know where the english saying comes of /donīt pull a face if the wind changes it will stick like that sistzers they are so heartless sometimes.anyway the dr said it should last a few weeks and ordered physio theraphy 3 times a week.what it entailed my face being paralise.at first i thought i was talking normally but it wasnīt coming out to others as i thought i was speaking(that was what made lotfi look at me when i was talking to hudia)i couldnīt drink without it all slipping out of the side of my mouth and making a complete mess.eating forget about itin .the first 4 weeks after this happened i lost 20lbs without even trying.i felt self concious the whole time(still do a bit if i am honest)my face was really ,really slanted.couldnīt close my left eye.still canīt to a certain extent.every time i went to physio theraphy i felt like i had gone 10 rounds with muhammaed ali and was laid up several hours afterwards.as it was also ramadam like it is now and also very hot let just say i didnīt have much holiday spirit.i spent the first two weeks after the paralise only going out of the house to specialist and physio.afeter the two weeks i pulled myself together the bast i could for the kids sake and took them to the beach every day trying to hide myself or my face with my headscarf,a big floppy sun hat and sun glasses.the kids enjoyed it but i just tried to hide the fact how tired i was with all the strain of it all.had constant headaches which i still have and pain or rather a pressure around the eye which i still have.as you all know when i came back home to germany i was sent by my dr for test to see if i had a stroke or not despite my blood thinners.i was also having problems with my left hand and arm and my left leg.which are nearly gone now and had differant reasons for the problems i where having.well the two day in hospital for test turned into 27 days as they found the aneurysma so luck in unluck.after waiting for the drīs to decide which was the least dangerous,to operate or not(i have antiphosphate lipid antio body sydrome which is a blood desease that cause the blood to clot hence the blood thinners)and in my last op 2010 i ended up haveing a cluster of lung embolies so they were worried about operating.after the exploraty op to see how big the aneurysma was they decide dit was too big to leave as it could rupture any moment.so two ops later and two coils in my head(as the aneurysma was even bigger than first seen on the exploratory op that the coil wasnīt big enough. also with problems with the cathertah they left in the artery in my thigh(where they traveld through the vein to the brain)from the exploratry op for the main op.it ruptured the vein in the night causing internal bleeding and alot.of pain.they then had to do a ct of my thigh and stomach at 2am to find out what had happened,they then discovered i had a bleeding cyst on my left kidney.another luck in unluck like finding the aneurysma.this luck in unluck was to continue later on.they also did schock treatment(again very painful)three spinal tapes to rule out barrials (i think that is what it is called)when they were trying to find out why i have the paralise which they too this day have not found out .we know what it isnīt,it isnīt a stroke,it isnīt bells plaurisy, it isnīt bipolar(never knew bipolar caused facial paralise)it isnīt insect bite.as i said luck in unluck continued later when i went for a check up on my aneurysma and the mri showed up a small tumour on my brain which allhamdullah was benign but the three weeks it took the neurologist to decide weather they needed to operate to remove it or not,was again very terrifying.they decided not to remove it so i am now left with the knowledge that i have a tumour in my brain which they will be monitoring to see if there are any changes so they can deal with it as and when there is no other option.when i first heard about the tumour though shocked by the word itself i was in a way relieved thinking they had now found out the reason for the paralise.i was wrong it has nothing to do withthe tumour so we still donīt know why and the dr says we probably never will.well all that weight i lost at the start of the paralise i put back on with the stress following the dianogise of the aneurysma the op etc. and this feeling i had of being ugly and the depression i got when looking in the mirrow etc.i stopped being as active on spark i stopped blogging in fact i went in hiding which i still do to a certain extent but i AM getting better.i still have moments of self loathing and depression like when i wrote my last blog,my eye still isnīt working probably.i still canīt drink out of a water bottle with out some of it dripping out the side of the mouth but i just drink out of a glass because if i drink very carefully it doesnīt spill or not as much.i can eat nearly everything but know it doesnīt look pretty to watch so i try not to eat in public or infront of strangers even in the privacy of my own home.also closing the eye is better than it was but not perfect i still have headaches which in turn make me tired .i still have to use eye drops every hour and the dr has perscribed me another medicine which she hopes will help the nerves and muscles relax around the eye though she admitted she doesnīt know if it will work.the mouth doesnīt slant as much as it did so is not so noticable unless i talk.i can nearly spull my mouth out when i clean my teeth,nearly but takes alot of concentration and i dribble lol.i still canīt blow up balloons for the kids when they want or make sounds like neighing horses like i used to do when reading farm books to the kids.the left cheek and eye area looks swollen often because the lymps are not working probably and i go two times a week still for physio and lymp drainage other than that i guess i am lucky .this has really been a very stressful,teidious year for me and i know i will still have a constant battle every day probably for the rest of my life with eating,drinking headaches etc.also there were times this last year when i even lost hope if i was honest.i wrote all the kids a letter for when they were older just before my op for my aneurysma as i had little hope of coming out of it alive(my nan died of this same operation on the operation table when i was 24)so it tells you how close it was to lfe or death that i even agreed to the operation.i kept the letters i wrote for the kids several months after the op then burnt them.i never even told lotfi i had wrote them didnīt want to worry him any more than he was and knew the hospital would have given them to him if i hadnīt made it.why i am writing all this you are wondering especially as you all know the story already.i guess the fact that it is exactly a year ago that this happened,and even though it has been my hardest by far i still have alot to be grateful for and to celerbrate .the main thing being i am alive.even though since this time last year with loosing the weight and putting it back on i am only 2lbs less than a year ago.but i do see that as a really big success.when you think all of what the year has brought i still lost 2 whole lbs.i have really fought for those 2 lbs and i know i will have to fight and fight hard to loose any other lbs as i still have to fight with my innerer demons and my emotional eating.i have another MRI on monday and on wednesday i see another neurologist my neurologist ie on holiday till end of september and the dr says canīt wait that long.hoping the new tablets i picked up today as the chemist had to order them,and the new neurologist might come up with some answers to ease my headaches and the pressure arond my eye.but in the meantime i am going to be too busy to worry too much.tuesday was the last day of school for the summer holidays and tomorrow is the last day of kinder garten for the holidays.so what with drīs ,specialist,physio and the kids i should have enough to keep going.lol.thanks once again for all your love and support you have given me over this stressful time it is more appreciated than you will probably ever know.love you lots.take care and keep smiling. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUDITH1654 8/5/2012 10:33PM

    What's past is past. Look forward to all the hope and improvement you'll be making in the future. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and know you have the love and support of not only your family but your SP friends!!!

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ABB698 8/4/2012 2:26PM

    You rock! Love you! emoticon

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~INDYGIRL 8/4/2012 2:09PM

    Keep hanging in there. You rock!

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BETHIEBOOPS 8/4/2012 12:08PM

    You are such an inspiration in playing the cards you've been handed. Your sunny spirit is just lovely. Best wishes for this new doctor. I will be keeping you in my prayers!

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KICKINGKILOS 8/4/2012 9:22AM

    Karen...I had no idea you have been through this much.
May God give you the power and the bravery to fight these challenges and win Inshallah.
Hang in there buddy.
Sending love and prayers from India

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CARIOLA 8/3/2012 7:12PM

    Omigosh, Karen, you have really been through the wringer over the past year! I am SO sorry to hear of all your health issues. It must have been very scary. I'm glad that you are managing a bit better by now and hope that you will soon get some relief from the neurologist. I know I don't have to tell you to relax, if you possibly can, and enjoy those little boys. Don't stress out about your weight loss progress. You've had more than enough to deal with. Your cheerful attitude despite everything is an inspiration to us all.

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COCOONGIRL 8/3/2012 5:25PM

    Hey Karen...I am so sorry ...I have been so wrapped up in my own crap that I didn't know all of this was happening to you...I am so sorry....the only thing I can say is you are one STRONG COURAGEOUS WOMAN!!! I love you so much!! I wish I had HALF of the courage and strength that you have!!

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RAINBOWCHOC 8/3/2012 11:55AM

    When you are feeling as low as you have been it's not surprising you wanted to crawl away and hide. What you might benefit from is knowing the high regard in which you are held by so many people here in Sparkland. Your warmth, care and support for others will bring it's dividends as we do what we can to get you through the weight loss challenge. If you have managed to be 2lbs lighter after all that stress you deserve a medal!
Here's to the new month, new beginnings and fresh starts.
best wishes and love
Sandra

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AHMARROSE 8/3/2012 8:36AM

  you are a great person InshAllah Allah will reward you
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-SONIA- 8/3/2012 8:15AM

    You have been through a lot, Karen, and I know it's been a difficult year. You're a great friend and a very Positive Sparker, and we're so thankful to have you here!! emoticon emoticon

(And no worries about my name, LOL) emoticon
emoticon -- for you, from me!
emoticon ~ Sonia ~

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SURF@723 8/3/2012 7:38AM

    Karen ....you are just amazing and such a fighter! You are so right, you do have lots to be grateful ....you have a loving family and alive to enjoy them. I am so proud of your two pound loss as you kept going no matter what...that is some serious commitment!

((((((HUGS))))))

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MICHELLENRGZED 8/3/2012 4:57AM

    Wow! Thanks so much for sharing. You've been through a lot, but you're coming through stronger. You are a blessing, & I'm so glad that you have great people behind you, especially your family.

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PRAIRIECROCUS 8/3/2012 2:10AM

    Enjoy your summer vacation, with your kids !
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GERALDINE16 8/3/2012 1:48AM

    That is a lot to have gone through in the past year, but thank goodness you are still here with your family. Hope you have a great summer holiday with your kids filled with lot of laughter and sunshine emoticon emoticon

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SPARKLEPIE 8/2/2012 10:43PM

    You are certainly right... life has been something for you that has changed forever... but not only for the medical reasons we all might suggest but I truly beleive it is moments and struggles like this that really test a person... it shows you who you really are, what you are truly capable of and dearest lady you are capable of SO VERY MUCH! I think that your encouragement here on sp that you give others is so amazing knowing the daily frustrations you must have in your own life...

I am so glad that you find joy in your loved ones and little ones... that is such a miraculous treasure.

I wish you all the blessing life can bring, all the joy your heart can hold and all the happiness you can absorb....



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BIGPAWSUP 8/2/2012 10:24PM

    don't know what to say except that you are Wonderful and Amazing. I wish you the best future possible.

Kitty

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SUSIEPH1 8/2/2012 9:24PM

    You Karen, are one of the bravest woman I know ..
You have been through so much and can still smile at me when we are on Skype ..
Have a lovely time during the holidays with your boys .. and try to relax.
I think you think, your facial paralasis is worse than it is I didn't notice ant difference on skype ..
Love you my friend sending you healing vibes and prayers .. Susie emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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POSITIVELY_EB 8/2/2012 8:34PM

    You have endured much, and God willing, you will endure the rest of whatever you are called upon to endure! Know that we are with you and that you are in our thoughts and prayers!

HUGS!

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DEEGIRL50 8/2/2012 5:10PM

    emoticon You are a fighter. You'll win over those pounds.

You are alive and have a loving family. Many blessings.
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