Wednesday, August 01, 2012
My husband hates my short hair, even though he doesn't say so in so many words. But I can tell. And he's more irritated with me lately. But I am going to keep my hair short. I'm going to get an edgier cut next time, and I'm not growing it out again.
I have realized what it is that I want for my body. I don't want to be skinny. What I want is to be sexy. I want to have relatively toned arms and shoulders, and I want to keep my curves. I want my stomach and abdomen to be curvy, with a nice toned shape, but not overtly "muscular" looking, if that makes sense. I want my legs to remain curvy, but have tone. I am not a small-framed person. I've been told that I carry weight well, because it spreads out over my entire body, rather than accumulating in specific spots. This is a blessing and a curse--a blessing in that the fact that I'm overweight isn't obvious to many people--they are shocked when I tell them how much I weigh, and people are always saying "you shouldn't be dieting. You are small enough. I wish I had your body."--and it's a curse in that I don't notice I'm gaining weight until my clothes stop fitting properly. I feel great, until I realize my clothes don't fit.
People say nice things about my body shape, and they always have, and generally I am embarrassed, and oftentimes somewhat irritated, because they don't KNOW what my weight should be. And just because I'm not as heavy as someone else, doesn't mean that I am not overweight for my body type. I know I am overweight.
But at the same time, I don't want to be skinny and angular and sunken-looking. My sister is a beautiful woman, but she is much smaller-framed than I am, and I don't want to be as slender as she is, even though all my life I've been compared to her by everyone in my family. (I've been called the "big-boned sister" often enough to feel like a mammoth around my sister. Although I do need to mention that she has NEVER said anything about me being bigger than she is. She's never said anything negative or offensive about my body or my weight, and in fact has always complimented me on everything. Too bad we aren't close like we were a decade ago, before she got married. We always fought, but at least we were very close back then, despite the arguments. We don't even really know each other any more. But that's another story.)
Anyway, after looking at a million photos of women and body styles on Pinterest, gosh I love pinterest...I've realized what it is that I want to look like. And it's going to take some exercise, and some motivation, just like everything else. It's also going to take time and patience. And, I don't have to look like a tired frump in the meantime. I want edgy, stylish hair, great makeup, and cute clothes. My ideal style is a sort of free-spirited, boho, flowy look for clothing, handmade things, farmer's market-worthy and perfect for the garden or for going to town. I am going to make some scarves, and I already have a fabulous collection of handmade earrings, most of them made by my husband, or else made by local artisans and purchased for next-to-nothing at the farmer's market.
And back to my hair. I have a million pics of short hairstyles that I like, and they are all edgy and badass. THAT is what I want my hairstyle to be. I think my stylist went very tame on me for the first short cut, but next time, it's going to be razored and textured and bitchy. That sounds so immature and childish, and maybe I truly am going through a midlife crisis, with my son turning 20 and my 20-year class reunion (that I'm not going to, of course) coming up this month. Maybe that's my problem.
Or, maybe it's that I'm tired of trying to be someone or something that I'm not.