I'm surprised. I somehow don't believe it but I've finally reached my goal weight of 140 lbs (10 stone). I noticed it yesterday but thought I'd keep quiet in case my weight fluctuated and instead I'm down another lb today, so am now at 138 lbs. I joined SparkPeople in April 2008. It took me 4 years and 4 months to lose these 72 lbs. That is 5 and a quater stone to you UK people.


I should be happy and jumping up and down, and although I am happy and please don't call me an ungrateful cow, but I .... how to put this, have 2 issues why I'm not so elated as expected. My life has been very topsy turvy of late (as stated in my last blog, having problems with finding work and a new place). Additionally I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 and half months the other week. I thought that I didn't have the feelings I should have in a relationship with him and thought he may be too into me and felt guilty for not feeling the same. So I broke up with him.

After a week he sent me an email, stating how he felt and how he was angry but then he still needed to ask some questions on why. We met up 2 days ago and somehow we got back together! We went through each point he wanted to make, such as there was no other person, I have been thinking of him and the wall I have (he felt that I often put up a wall and I worked out that I do put a wall and have many problems sharing my honesty and emotions with other people. I thought about it and realised this may relate to my slightly screwed upbringing and how I have never been a relationship. I worked out that maybe when things get a bit difficult, I tend to jump ship).

While we talking through things we had a a proper heart to heart, which I never had before and just talked. I realised how much I had hurt him and did miss him. For some reason he forgave me from breaking up with him (and seems to have honestly meant it) and we decided to give it another chance. I've told him I would like to restart things slowly so will see how it goes. Anyway, to make the point, it's been a hard time. Also (I have enough issues already!) I have been feeling really fragile of late. Like proper I'm trying to hold on to my mental state and be positive but past issues and insecurities keep on coming back to me.

The second issue that I mentioned it that although I know I wouldn't suddenly turn into the super fit, confident, sexy individual just because I weigh X amount but I feel like that even though I am at my goal weight and this is the smallest I have ever been, I still feel, well, not as fit as I hoped and bit blobby in some places.

I went to try on some UK size 12 clothes. This is the clothes size I have never been previously been and aimed for. I wanted to see if they did fit and the answer seemed yes! Just about. And yet, I'm still not really happy with the way I look.
Here are the pics:



I tried on some shorts because one of my goals is to wear a pair of shorts that I look good in and not feel self conscious in. I tried on the UK size 14 and UK size 12 and the latter fit better but they made them so short! I strength train and work out but wearing those shorts made me think that I just looked flabby and how much more I need to do to tone my legs. Oh and the cellulite! (Sorry for the bad quality of pictures.)



Am I mental or what! I should be happy but I just think I need to work out more and still have loads more to tone up. I would love a flat tummy but accept that this may never happen.

Maybe I just need time to get used to it. I found that last time I lost a lot of weight (4 stone), I had the same issue of knowing that although I'm smaller and healthier, I still didn't have the body I expected to have. I thought I had gone through this already and learnt this lesson but apparently not.