I'm turning 30 August 13th and we're getting close. I'm going on a trip for my birthday so I'm posting this now. I've been thinking about this blog the past few days and what to write and how I feel. There are a lot of things going on in my head and one thing I've learned is that I'm nervous about it because of how I'm eating....eating very poorly. I don't know if it's my trip or the pressure I feel about this birthday but I'm taking it out by eating.
I guess my first thoughts about this birthday are:
How did I get so old? Yes, 30 really isn't that old and I'm whinny about this as I'm sure some folks have turned 30 before but I do feel old. I just keep thinking the 40 is the next big one and I'm scared of that one!
I just think there is so much I wanted to do, be and accomplish by the time I was 30. Most of this has to do with weight. I don't think I'll ever feel like a success until I lose the weight. I believe with all of my being that my ultimate goal in this life is to overcome my stuggles with weight.I hold myself back from traveling, hanging out with friends and having my dream job because I don't think I can do it at my weight. Yes, things are much harder when I have to find seats I can sit in and not break but some of this is mental as well. Overally, the most disappointing thing is that I didn't lose the weight in my 20s. I think back to all the perfect opportunities I had to do it but I just keep gaining the weight and going in the opposite direction. I always thought I would be a healthy weight by now and I'm not. I'm beyond disappointment.
This is an interesting picture for me. I've always felt that I would die young. It's a horrible thing to say but I feel like 30 is my mid-life point. My Dad just passed away at 56 and my Ma is 62 but has been on disability because her arthritis is so bad for years. I don't have a great genetic predisposition. I know if I don't lose the weight, I'll have less years to live. You would think that would be motivation but it's not and it scares me.
I just don't know what it's going to take to flip that switch. I've been on Spark for a long time, seen a therapist to work out my 'issues', I'm on two blood pressure medications, I hate how I'm limited in my actions because of my size, I read my old blogs and I've tried so many things, lost more than 50 lbs, gained it all back and now I'm at my highest weight ever. I know all these things and then I go to Wendy's like I did last night and get a dinner before dinner and eat it and feel guilty. I'm so sick of it.
One thing I have not done and will not do is stop trying. I may mess up 17 times per day and eat way over my calories but I never stop thinking about making that positive change. I may not act on it but I'm thinking about it. If I ever stop thinking about it I know I'm in trouble, I've given up. I don't ever want to do that. So, in that spirit, leaving all this crap behind, I'm going to come up with 30 goals for my 30th year and stick to them no matter what.
I have not come up with them yet. I want them to be realistic but challenging and I want to think about it a lot. They probably won't be all fitness related which I think is ok. I'll post those later this week. I hate to do the proverbial 'wait until Monday' type of thing but I'm going to.
So, overall those are my thoughts. I'm disappointed but I have a desire to change which I think is the first step. I'll be honest, I'm not too confident that I'll succeed, and I should change that outlook, but I want a different more successful life so bad I can't see myself stopping until I get it.