Not sure what to think, how to feel
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Well it's confirmed. Tickets have been purchased. No turning back now. We're headed back to my hometown for Christmas this year. Not sure what to think or how to feel about it.
I grew up in a small Montana town. I moved there when I was 7 and stayed until I left for college at 18. I had a lot of great friends, many of whom I'm still in touch with today. That's not the problem. The problem is all of the other 'stuff' going back there stirs up inside of me.
I've been overweight most of my life. Always the chubby kid. So self-conscious. Very low self-esteem. Lots of friends, but I missed out on a lot because I was too embarrassed because I always thought I was too fat. So I'd stay home. Feeling sorry for myself. And my Mom would be there right beside me, handing me the spoon for my gallon of ice cream. While my Dad would shout in the background that he'd give me $500 if I'd lose 30 pounds. I never took him up on his offer. So my Mom was always an enabler and my Dad was always just a jerk, to put it nicely.
I have stayed away from my hometown as often as possible over the years. Being there would always transform me back into that person I was years ago. I would experience the same feelings and have a miserable time. I just couldn't get past it. I always felt like I was being judged by everyone. 'Yep, Marianne is still fat.' There is so much more to me than what meets the eye. I am the most loyal, loving, honest, supportive, caring friend that you'll ever meet. But for some reason I still feel like I have to prove myself.
My parents moved to another state a few years ago. My sister and her family still live there with their 8 kids. Who in their right mind moves away from their daughter and 8 grandchildren?? Well, that's my parents for ya. I haven't been back to my hometown since they've been gone. Many of my friends have moved away, but a few are still there. I wonder what it will be like? I wonder what my friends look like? I wonder what they will think of me? Why do I even care?????
We're taking this trip because my husband's mother still lives there and she has cancer. It has come back and doesn't look very good this time. We want our girls to spend the holidays with their grandma. We hope that special memories will be made that they will treasure. I'm going back to face my pain for my husband and my children. It will be Christmas and it's the right thing to do. I have almost 5 months to prepare for the trip. **sigh** I'm going to be OK. I'm 40 years old, not 14 anymore. I should be over this. Maybe I will surprise myself and gain some sense of closure. That's what I'm hoping for. And my hopes are high......