Not sure what to think, how to feel

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Well it's confirmed. Tickets have been purchased. No turning back now. We're headed back to my hometown for Christmas this year. Not sure what to think or how to feel about it.

I grew up in a small Montana town. I moved there when I was 7 and stayed until I left for college at 18. I had a lot of great friends, many of whom I'm still in touch with today. That's not the problem. The problem is all of the other 'stuff' going back there stirs up inside of me.

I've been overweight most of my life. Always the chubby kid. So self-conscious. Very low self-esteem. Lots of friends, but I missed out on a lot because I was too embarrassed because I always thought I was too fat. So I'd stay home. Feeling sorry for myself. And my Mom would be there right beside me, handing me the spoon for my gallon of ice cream. While my Dad would shout in the background that he'd give me $500 if I'd lose 30 pounds. I never took him up on his offer. So my Mom was always an enabler and my Dad was always just a jerk, to put it nicely.

I have stayed away from my hometown as often as possible over the years. Being there would always transform me back into that person I was years ago. I would experience the same feelings and have a miserable time. I just couldn't get past it. I always felt like I was being judged by everyone. 'Yep, Marianne is still fat.' There is so much more to me than what meets the eye. I am the most loyal, loving, honest, supportive, caring friend that you'll ever meet. But for some reason I still feel like I have to prove myself.

My parents moved to another state a few years ago. My sister and her family still live there with their 8 kids. Who in their right mind moves away from their daughter and 8 grandchildren?? Well, that's my parents for ya. I haven't been back to my hometown since they've been gone. Many of my friends have moved away, but a few are still there. I wonder what it will be like? I wonder what my friends look like? I wonder what they will think of me? Why do I even care?????

We're taking this trip because my husband's mother still lives there and she has cancer. It has come back and doesn't look very good this time. We want our girls to spend the holidays with their grandma. We hope that special memories will be made that they will treasure. I'm going back to face my pain for my husband and my children. It will be Christmas and it's the right thing to do. I have almost 5 months to prepare for the trip. **sigh** I'm going to be OK. I'm 40 years old, not 14 anymore. I should be over this. Maybe I will surprise myself and gain some sense of closure. That's what I'm hoping for. And my hopes are high......
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  • MBLIFE24
    I know your trip is still 3 months away, but I am praying for a wonderful trip for you and your family, and for your peace of mind. You are doing the right and best thing. You are strong and courageous. (Joshua 1:9) And you do not go alone. :) Praying all the wonderful parts of growing up are what resonate in your soul while you are there, not the pain or regrets.

    1854 days ago
    All you need to remember is that you are showing your children how to act in family situations. Things aren't always the best, some family doesn't care, others care too much about little things. Go home with the idea of making memories with their grandma and everything else will just fall into place.
    1900 days ago
    Most important thing will be to surround yourself with people who DO make you feel good about yourself. Your kids, your husband, the person at the store who is always so nice, a neighbor, whoever... you can't let yourself get sucked into those bad feelings. I remember when I met my husband he had just recently broken off a wedding engagement with a girl he dated for close to 9 years... crazy - but he realized they didn't have the relationship you needed to endure marriage. They started dating really really young and he said he proposed because he figured that was the next logical step. I'm so proud he had the courage to make that tough choice and that I was lucky enough to find him soon thereafter. But I remember when we started talking about getting married (when we met we were 23 and 24 years old)... he was so worried about "what people would think" because we had only be dating a few months. And I remember having to say " Why do you care what other people think? It should only matter what WE think and how WE feel about each other. I don't care of some acquaintance or distant friend approves that we would happen to fall in love quickly"... and well, I guess that sunk it because after 8 months of dating we were engaged and 10 months later we were married and we are headed toward 14th anniversary this year. So....we followed our hearts and didn't care what others thought.... never mind how we met- that was a whole different craziness....but we didn't let other people rain on our parade....

    So I hope that you can feel proud of all your accomplishments- - you said it yourself...

    " I am the most loyal, loving, honest, supportive, caring friend that you'll ever meet. But for some reason I still feel like I have to prove myself. "

    Don't feel like you have to prove anything to anyone....most people who judge others in that way are simply unhappy with they try to make others feel bad about themselves because somehow it makes them feel powerful. I think it's your opportunity to take the power from them and show them that SPARKly smile of yours and how your beauty shines....

    Well...I'll get off my soapbox now -- just sending you a great big hug :)
    1900 days ago
    You need to read the book I am reading. Codependents No More by Melody Beattie. It is awesome for people like us!
    1903 days ago
    The most important statement in your blog is Why do I even care?????
    Why do you care? Caring only brings back the demons. You are not 14, you are a caring woman, wife and mother. You have much to be proud of. Do you judge others by their looks or their actions? I bet it is their actions.
    I love this statement from my former principal..."Presume positive intent."
    1904 days ago
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