The Little I Might Be
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Got a jog in again yesterday morning. Just over 1.6 miles. Husband and I started out - he 'encouraged' me to extend the run 'just a bit'. He and I are very different. He can set his mind to something and 'just do it'. I'm not saying he doesn't struggle or work hard - he works very hard, both mentally and physically. I tend to be more 'mind ploughing' (to stay in theme) - before I start moving: I've committed to a certain run, prepared my mind to tell my body what it has to do, visualized the run and where I know I'm going to have problems, imagined the end point...ALOT of mind ploughing. If I change after I've started...well, it's not something I handle well. And I know that doesn't speak well of me...I'm just trying to stay honest.
So - I looked at him, smiled and said "Love me for who I am...not for who you want me to be." He smiled...but I know he was disappointed in me. But- I like to start slow and short - get good at that run - and then when I feel confident - can breathe easier and can make my legs move at quicker than a snail's pace, I'll expand the run or increase the speed. I'm just glad I'm out there doing it.
But as I ran, I kept mulling over what I had said - and I thought back to a book 'Sons and Lovers' by DH Lawrence. There's a line in there that has always stuck with me - “She could not be content with the little he might be; she would have him the much that he ought to be. So, in seeking to make him nobler than he could be, she destroyed him.”
I've thought those lines over MANY times - funny how I've always applied my thinking to my sons and husband, but never me. Am I content with the little I might be - my short 1.5 mile jogs? No, I'm not. But - (and I think this is one point Lawrence was getting at) - I have to be the one to decide to change, expand and grow. I must do it for me - because I want it. My husband is trying to support and encourage me. I don't want to give the impression that he is anything other than supportive. But, my personality is not one that thrives from that encouragement. I get disappointed in myself, mad at myself for not having the drive I used to have, and then I get annoyed at him for wanting me to be more than I am (at that moment) - what I think he thinks I 'ought' to be.
And what 'ought' I to be? I will never be a driven runner - my race is with myself, not with anyone else out there. I will be content to do my 5K's at 10 minute miles. But it's going to take me some time to work myself up both physically and mentally to do that. And that's ok. "The much that (I) ought to be" is going to be something that evolves.