Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Sometimes it's so easy to feel upset, defeated, like a failure. Today was one of THOSE days...where everything seems to go wrong. It wasn't really even that bad of a day. I just let my emotions get the best of me.
Maybe it's because I'm so closed off from the people around me and I let everything build up. I consider myself a strong individual, but sometimes, no matter how logically I try to think, I cannot control my emotions and I break down.
And I put this upon myself. I break down because I cannot meet my own standards. I feel like two people put in one. One half of me is encouraging, hopeful, hardworking, and never gives up. The other is discouraging, hateful, lazy, and simply stupid. Guess which one I am today?
I'm constantly arguing with myself. One minute I'm happy, telling myself that I'm doing well and that I'm capable of accomplishing my goals, that I'm smart and talented.
The next minute, I can't stand myself. I just want to give up because I simply do not care about anything.
It comes over me like an unpredicted storm on a sunny day. I never see it coming, and it never ends well.
But why? Why do I let this control me?
Sometimes I feel it's because I'm afraid of failure.
Sometimes it's because I'm afraid I'll never be the person I want to be.
Sometimes because I'll mess up so badly and won't be able to fix it.
Sometimes it's just all too much.
Well, truth is everyone is bound to fail at some point. No one will every be the perfect person he wants to be. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone shows moments of weakness.
Sometimes we are all a little too hard on ourselves. Failure is a part of life just as much as success is. I guess I just haven't fully accepted that fact.
Sometimes I know what I want and how to get it and sometimes I don't. There's just so much uncertainty, but that too is just a part of life.
Even though it's "sometimes" that makes me question myself and my ability to succeed, I shall always be glad for it, because if it were "always" there would be no room for failure or success, for growth, for thought.
Sometimes, I'm happy to fail, for it is the worst failures that make the best successes all the more important.
(sorry for the crazy train of thought blog; it just helps clear my mind and make me feel better.)