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    JENNSWIMS   8,429
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Back On The Wagon... Err Kayak, Whatever

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Monday, July 30, 2012

So I haven't blogged for oh, about 6 months. This is not a good thing. Why? I'm now carrying more adipose tissue than I was in January. Poop. I weighed myself today and I honestly think Captain Meaniehead is lying to me, or at least I'm experiencing a temporary whale-like bloating that will resolve as the evil mother nature takes a flying leap.

So where have I been, what have I been up to, other than consuming more calories than I have burned off? Well, to summarize, grad school, job #1, job #2, divorce, eating my feelings, a new love and far less cleaning up after a grown man.

I'm also in therapy, and I've learned some amazing things about myself that, uh, I shouldn't have had to be told. Amazing things as in "if this were any more obvious it would have hit you over the head and cracked your skull" kind of you're a moron stuff. I can address that another day, it is worth sharing, even if it is Captain Obvious stuff.

Anywhoodle, I have also discovered kayaking. Now what you need to know about kayaking, first and foremost, is that if someone says to you, "this awesome kayak is a bargain for $400" you should laugh and say (with a wildly intelligent look in your eye), "what about the $140 paddle, the rack for the top of my car, the life jacket, the helmet, and the polarized sunglasses entirely for the purposes of making me look awesome while enhancing my vision?"

Ok, maybe what you should know first and foremost is not the obscene amount of money that will be siphoned from your wallet artfully by the little boat, but how much freaking fun it is and how buff your arms could potentially become. You may also develop a truly bizarre tan, with freakishly pukey white legs and brown arms, but that's for another day.

I have become addicted to this little town in Pennsylvania called Ohiopyle, the center of a statepark by the same name and home to some of the best whitewater around. I'll tell you the name of the river, but I spell it wrong. It's something like Youghiogheny and pronounced Yock-uh-gay-knee. Most everyone calls it "The Yough" (yock).

In other words, this town offers ample opportunity for hitting rocks, turning over your kayak and dragging your soggy butt to the side of the river where you can get your butt back in your teeny little boat before doing it all over again. There are also multiple ways you can get in a raft and try not to poo your pants from the sheer terror of navigating a mile of Class V rapids. The class scale goes something like this:

Class I: Jenn can drink tea from a china cup, in the boat, with her pinky out. Jenn looks accomplished, stylish and entirely in charge of her kayak and remains dry. There are more waves in a bathtub.
Class II: Jenn looks and feels confident and dry. Why are all the 6 year olds looking so bored?
Class III: Jenn starts flipping over frequently and occasionally (uh, lots) of inappropriate words are being used in public. Luckily, no one can hear these words over the sound of the water and the sound of Jenn sputtering. Jenn looks like a wet dog without a groomer.
Class IV: Jenn better be in a raft with a guide because this is some serious uh, stuff and could lead to pooping in one's pants. Who cares how I look, I'm going to die.
Class V: OMFGHolyCrapolatacular, this is insane, Jenn is insane to be here, why can't I stop this ride, I'm going to die, did I really fall out of the raft at the top of a 9 foot waterfall? I need a helicopter, please get me out of here. Why is it already over and when can I go again? Where did I lose my sunglasses and why do I look like a Troll doll?


So I'm back. I've missed you all very much.


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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JITZUROE 8/2/2012 9:33AM

    Thanks for pointing that kayak back to our Sparkly direction. We've all certainly felt that something important (and overflowing with wit and sarcasm) was missing.

I'm so sorry that you had to drudge through serious emotional mud : (

It seems that you have a new passion in life that involves a goofy tan and a paddle : )

This feels like a fantastic hobby/form of exercise/form of therapy for you.

Big hugs!
Bren

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LAURIE5658 8/2/2012 9:27AM

    Welcome back and welcome kayak!

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MANDALORE 8/2/2012 9:11AM

    emoticon BACK!!!!!

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FUSCHIA6 8/2/2012 8:38AM

    Right on! Great to see you. I wish you lived closer & we could go paddling together. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CAROLZ1967 8/2/2012 8:06AM

    Glad your back! I hope life will begin to get a little easier, or at least less stressful for you soon.

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PENOWOK 8/2/2012 7:52AM

    How funny...my husband badly wants to kayak and I have fears of all those things you mentioned after the water gets choppy! Glad you are back!! I hope the kayaking helps you find you again!

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WALLINMW 8/2/2012 7:44AM

  Great blog!

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2NDWIND2 8/2/2012 7:00AM

    I'm new here - but welcome back!

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RITAROSE 8/2/2012 6:56AM

  enjoyed your blog! Welcome back!

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GBAUM0432 8/2/2012 6:26AM

  emoticon

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NCSUE0514 8/2/2012 6:04AM

    emoticon emoticon

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THEIS58 8/2/2012 5:08AM

    Clever! You have been through a lot. Glad you're back.

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DRCLANKY 8/2/2012 2:18AM

    Good on you for finding kayaking! My boyfriend just got one of those fold-up inflatable kayaks and it's surprisingly sturdy (and takes up almost no room in a tiny San Francisco apartment). We've taken it out a few times and I love it! Now I just have to get one too so we can go out together....

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CANNIE50 8/2/2012 12:47AM

    Welcome back, Sparkly girl! Such a TREAT to have a notice that you have posted a new blog. I won't lie, I was quite shocked to read the word "divorce". I am happy you are feeling liberated from cleaning up after a grown man, however. Cleaning up after people who should be cleaning up after their own $#%$ selves does get old, fast. I really enjoy kayaking but I go for calm lakes or a calm bay, NOT anything that has Class _ attached to it! I don't own a kayak, so I am reduced to borrowing them which is a pain in the arse, though people like to loan them to me to reduce their guilt about not using them enough after having bought them. The thing I found out the hard way is that when I do buy a kayak (which I will be doing since all the hints I have dropped on my husband's head seem to have bounced right off), is that I will be paying attention to how well it tracks. I am happy you have this new passion, my dear. I am particularly happy that you are back here, where you belong, amidst your people, your admiring masses. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GOIN4GR8 8/1/2012 11:47PM

    I've missed you, too! Sounds like you've been through a lot. Glad you're back (and your wit and great writing, too!)

Laurie

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PCASEY7 8/1/2012 11:45PM

    Loved your blog! I just took up kayaking but am NOT ready for level V rapids yet -lol. Enjoy!

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PA_KITTY 8/1/2012 9:59PM

    awesome

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DOODIE59 8/1/2012 9:36PM

    You crack me up. I don't care what you write about, so long as you write.

Sorry to hear about the sad stuff, glad to hear about the good:) Hope you're having the time of your life.
Keep kayaking,
Deirdre

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JENNA54 8/1/2012 9:32PM

    I'm just heading off to the kayak shop now.... sounds like a lot of fun. Good to have you back Jenn!

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SJKENT1 8/1/2012 9:23PM

    people who kayak are fun!

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ALIHIKES 8/1/2012 9:18PM

    WELCOME BACK! I missed your blogs! and I love kayaking too.

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SUSIEMT 8/1/2012 8:47PM

    Very good blog! Good sense of humor you have. Poop and all! LOL

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ROTCHV 8/1/2012 8:14PM

    I have missed your blogs too. You are a wonderful writer and make me laugh every time I read one of your posts. So glad to see you are back !

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 8/1/2012 7:15PM

    I've never been in a kayak, but I went white water rafting on the Yough and it was the best time ever! I'm about 4 hours north of there, and I couldn't figure out WHY I'd drive that far just to die!!! Hope you're enjoying the kayak!

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LILSPARKIE85 8/1/2012 7:07PM

    emoticon

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CHANGINGHORSES 8/1/2012 6:32PM

    Sounds like a blast to me, I love my kayak. Nature has a way of soothing our troubled minds and putting us into "nothing but the here and now". The great outdoors is the best therapy there is. Your kayak is an awesome investment in yourself when you use it.
Have fun and keep paddling!
emoticon

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HINCTYBEAT 8/1/2012 6:04PM

    Yes! I have missed you too!!! So glad you are back :)

emoticon emoticon

Sounds like you may have dropped some dead-weight while maybe holding onto that adipose tissue - this is a good thing

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SHIRE33 8/1/2012 6:01PM

    I have been DYING to get a kayak. Now I'm really feeling the bug! Glad you're back!

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SAILING2GOAL 8/1/2012 5:42PM

    Missed you, too! Glad you're back. That little boat is a bargain compared to my boat, which sucks up money with the force of a Kirby vacuum cleaner!

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BECCAROCKS1 8/1/2012 4:40PM

    emoticon totes stealing all of your made up words! Anywhoodle and OMFGHolyCrapolatacular will be appearing in a blog someday soon :D x

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PH34RSHYLOCK 8/1/2012 4:33PM

    I was thinking about you the other day, wondering what happened to you. :) Welcome back. I've missed your blogs!

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KATD13 8/1/2012 4:07PM

    I just bought a kayak about 3 weeks ago! I love, love love it! Unfortunatly, I just paddle around on a calm little lake. No exciting rapids, but sometimes, if the wind is blowing just right, there can be some ripples.
And you are so right about the white legs - the only thing I don't like. Wish they could get a little sun.

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NAOLEE 8/1/2012 3:57PM

    emoticon . That beach in your background look like my Puerto Rico.

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HAPPYCUPCAKE 8/1/2012 2:06PM

    I'm so glad you're back! I just peed my pants a little. HAHA just kidding. But seriously, I missed your awesome blogs. It's never too late to get back on that horse! I've been off the wagon too...we can help each other, so don't worry!

Comment edited on: 8/1/2012 2:07:24 PM

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LBWINT1 8/1/2012 2:02PM

    So glad you are back, I missed your blogs!

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SEXY42MOM 8/1/2012 12:30PM

    you are fabulous!!!! and too funny!!! I am glad you are here!!!

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HBURGUS 8/1/2012 12:08PM

    Hi Jenn, your blog struck a major chord with me...I have a horrible habit of falling on and off the wagon too and then wonder why I cannot lose any weight..duh!! I also have to be slapped upside the head for not seeing the most obvious things I should already know, but I think when we are in the situation it is hard for us to see ourselves. Anyway, it's always most awesome to see someone struggle with the same things I am. It makes it a little easier to get over the hump when I realize I am not the only one in this boat (obvious??) Keep up the good work and I hope you don't mind if I follow your blog.

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STUFFNEARTABOR 8/1/2012 11:15AM

    emoticon

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CATDUG19 8/1/2012 10:46AM

    Great blog, very funny very real, I myself just discovered kayaking and I love it!! Great workout and fun.

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JLEMUS1 8/1/2012 10:01AM

    Welcome back emoticon emoticon

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GUDDIGO 8/1/2012 9:22AM

  You came back...that is what counts....

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FARIS71 8/1/2012 9:22AM

    You are hilarious!

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GODSBEST 8/1/2012 9:03AM

    Welcome back, sounds like you had fun. I'll live this adventure vicariously through you!! emoticon

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GBAUM0432 8/1/2012 8:42AM

  emoticon

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PATTOMMC3 8/1/2012 7:00AM

    emoticon

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EMMANYC 8/1/2012 6:58AM

    Welcome back! We've missed you and your blogs.

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TANYAP71 8/1/2012 6:35AM

    So glad you are back and so sorry your time away was so trying.

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FITFORMYFAMILY 7/31/2012 10:51PM

    I have missed your sense of humor. It's nice to have you back.
Your time "off" sounds like it was quite rough. I hope that things will even out for you know and that will have lots of safe and happy adventures on that kayak of yours!

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QUILTYENGINEER 7/31/2012 10:32PM

    Glad you're back! I've missed you!

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SERASARA 7/31/2012 9:10PM

  emoticon emoticon

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