Hitting rock bottom... it's been a crazy few months...
Monday, July 30, 2012
Where to begin? My life has changed completely in the past 6 months. I'll spare you the long (albeit interesting and transformative) story. I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years in March. Ended up having nothing left - no money at all, and nowhere to go. Met a guy a few days later who I clicked with and trusted INSTANTLY. Turned to this new friend in my time of need, and he came to my rescue. I've been living with him now for over 4 months while I get my sh!t together and figure out what to do next. He is now my best friend, my lover, my partner. He's absolutely, completely wonderful. I'm seriously blessed. I'm so lucky. (Really.)
It hasn't been easy. Sooo much has changed for me. So much. There have been negatives and positives. Darkness and light. And there are many more changes to come. My life has spiraled out of control, and I'm only starting to get back into the swing of things. Taking the reigns. Starting to re-establish healthy habits and remember how to breathe and relax and let go.
The month before my break-up, I was experiencing an intense bout of mania. I was sleeping for about 3 hours a night, was eating next to nothing, and had tons of energy. Felt very productive. Then that fateful week came. (And oh, what a fateful week it was. You have no idea. It deserves it's own chapter in my memoirs.) Everything that was wrong with my relationship seemed to bubble up to the surface, and I realized I couldn't do it anymore.
It was... insane. The whole week was insane. Exciting, but devastating. Thrilling, but terrifying. By the end of it, I was standing alone on the balcony of a hotel room I didn't pay for, smoking a cigarette, tears streaming down my face, reveling in the beautiful disaster that my life had become. I hit rock bottom. I knew there was nowhere to go but up. I'd been here before. It's awful (and painfully comforting) how familiar rock bottom felt.
So... all the fascinating details aside.. that's that. Now as for my new life, my new world? It's taken time adjusting. My new guy... well, you know, I've been getting used to his habits and personality and such. And while he's wonderful... well... his... diet! I've fallen off the bandwagon again. Too much sugar, too many carbs, too much fast food, which I swore off a long time ago. He's wonderful - taking me out to dinner, taking me for ice cream, making me yummy foods. My body and soul were seriously craving the kind of nourishment he's provided me since day one. But I have to take responsibility for my own body. I KNOW I can't overdose on sugar and carbs. I know it affects my body, my emotions, my behaviors, my attitude.
Here's the thing, too... I, along with a few people who know me well, recently came to the conclusion that I may have bipolar disorder. I can't afford a professional opinion, but I have been diagnosed with depression in the past, and after doing the research, I realized that depression is only part of my emotional/mental disorder. I, too, experience mania. Like I did that month. Like I do when I cycle rapidly, going from extremely depressed to manic and hyper within a few seconds, or vice versa when something triggers me from feeling unreasonably ecstatic to miserable.
...I already know my diet is an integral part of keeping this in check.
So I know what I have to do to remedy this. I know what my body needs. Veggies, fruits, proteins, and as much exercise as I can get - in the form of walking, stretching, yoga-ing, dancing, stepping, etc. No excuses. No more pity parties. If I have them, I'll limit them to 5 minutes. 5 minutes of feeling bad for myself, then I'm onto something healthy, some activity that will make me happy and be beneficial to my well-being. I've had enough mental/emotional breakdowns these past few months to fill the lifetime of a well-adjusted, emotionally stable person. I'll slip-up. I'm the queen of slip-ups. But I always find my way again. And I always feel wiser after all is said and done.
Most of all, I need to have so much love for myself. I've been hating on myself so much. (Especially obsessing over all my hideous loose skin - a result of my weight loss..) I have a tendency to do this - to turn all my negative energy inward instead of expressing it outwardly - through writing, drawing, exercising, dancing, whatever. I know what I need. I know what I need....
So that's all for now. I'm going to try getting active on here again. It's good for me to have constants in my life. Keeping track of my food and exercise, along with connecting with SP folks again will only be good for me.
Wish me luck.