Monday, July 30, 2012
It's been a blech few months. I pretty much came off the wagon and my weight stabilized right where it likes to right now, which is the upper 320s. That's better than the 350s, where it was once, but still not so good.
It's been a tough spring, with nasty weather, the knee limiting what I can do, and my horse's allergies getting so bad that we were considering putting him down. His body stopped responding to the steroid treatments, even though we changed them up a few times. It was heart rending to see him stand in a corner of the barn, using all of his energy just to try to push breath out and take it back in. I ended up finding him a home with someone who lives on the high desert side of my state, where there are much, much less plants to produce pollen and the air is much drier, so there is not nearly the mold and mildew around that we get. He's been over there for about a month now. They tapered him off of the steroids the first week, and he's been steroid free, cough free and breathing fine, ever since, which is great news. I do miss him. He was my buddy. I had him for 5 years and did the majority of training on him. His new person has him on a year long care lease to see if he can handle all of the seasons well over there, then she gets to buy him for a very small token fee. I know he can never live on my side of the state again. :-(
So, with him gone, I have a 5 year old gelding of my dad's here to ride. He's a good boy, a little insecure, and I'm building his confidence back up on the trail obstacles, since he got overfaced as a 3 year old and lost most of his braveness. One day at a time.
I realized recently that I'm struggling with depression, again. I've had trouble getting things done, even though they're things I enjoy, or don't particularly mind. I'm also missing my husband, since we're well into the guts of summer and he's farming 6 days a week, dawn to dusk. He really likes what he's doing now, but his salary is not really enough to get us by, and although the hay sales are going well here, we really need to use that money for some farm improvements. My law practice has been pretty quiet lately, too. He usually has Sundays off, but, being the time of year, we're usually scrambling here to get things done for our farm, often with separate projects. Or, it's like yesterday. We have been so busy, that we've missed multiple family reunions/picnics. Well, yesterday both our families were having "important" ones, so he went to his family's and I went to mine, his on the Coast, mine in the Valley. It's a long drive to where his family is on the coast, so he didn't get home until after 11 last night. I'd just really like a vacation. Together.
The knee is holding up pretty well. It still gets tired, but it's fairly strong. I've had to modify how I do some of the hay business. I've learned to operate the big hay grapple on the tractor for loading trailers of hay here at the farm. I bought a hand truck, so I don't have to pack bales through people's barns during deliveries. I can put three bales on the hand truck and wheel them around. Walking 85 pound bales around is really hard on the body, and my knee just can't take it anymore. The hand truck is a much smarter solution. I've been riding a good bit (although not much last week) and the knee is holding up pretty well for dismounting, although I am pretty careful about it. I was doing some hiking, but the friend that I hike with sprained her ankle and she and her husband are building a new house and shop on their property right now, so she's pretty swamped, anyway.
So, anyway, enough rambling. Back to Spark, and Tracking, and Blogging and Exercising. I have justified where I am at by saying "at least I'm not where I was" but where I am is not a healthy place, and it's time to move past it. I wish there was a cure for depression, but every pill I've ever been on has just made me gray and foggy. It just takes work, and talking, and working at talking so I don't end up living in my head.