Sunday, July 29, 2012
Fortunately, a couple of things have changed for the positive since the last time I said that. For one, I have now integrated into my life attendance at Overeaters Anonymous meetings twice per week. I am actively working the 12-steps. Well, sometimes actively. But at least I keep going back to meetings. Plus, I have sponsors that I work with to keep me moving forward instead of living in isolation with my compulsive eating behaviors. I have now been going to OA since May 2011...over a year.
Some other things that have changed...
- I now look at my weight as a symptom of my compulsive eating and other internal issues. I no longer see a "diet" as being able to fix me.
- I officially no longer focus on my weight. As a matter of fact, I avoid the scale quite a bit, because it seems to be a depression trigger for me. Now I will weigh myself only for a specific purpose (like infrequently monitoring where I'm at). But if I'm eating poorly, there is absolutely no point in me triggering myself. I already know I gained.
- I have trigger foods that have a lot of power over me (sugar+cream, deep fried foods), but what seems to give them even more power is me telling myself I can never have them again. For that reason, I am trying not to do my OA abstinence the way many people do (i.e. no sugar, no flour, etc...). That seems to sabotage me, bringing out my immature rebellious side. I am still trying to figure out how to work a food plan with my very broken self.
- I just have to "keep coming back". As long as I don't run from recovery, I am hoping that eventually it will hit me in the face...or maybe one day, it will click. In the meantime, I will keep attending meetings, working the steps the best I can, and using the OA tools.
Those are my thoughts for today.