It has been a long time since I have written. A long time since I even logged in. A long time since I really felt like I should even try and care.

My family and I have been dealing with many things this year. What began as a rough start to a new year has quickly turned into a bad year all the way around. We all know that in this journey we call life we can have good days and bad days, good weeks ad bad weeks, even good months and bad months, or at the most extreme; those days, weeks and months can easily turn into years... good or bad.

This year has not seemed to want to give me a break. Although on the other hand, trying to stay optimistic has teased in some ways, then quickly gone down the drain. In the end, my family and I have had rough relationships which have mended. Jobs which ended but new ones come along... eventually. Tears that have fallen, yet dried up... and much, much more.

Now I come to another cross road... one which, like all crossroads, require a decision. Right or left, turn and run back... keep forward, or in my case in the last few months, curl up in a ball and stay where you are from fear of even worse happening.

Months of little income have brought us to BAD debt... my van broke down, still in the drive and we can't find what is wrong. Several mechanics in my life and nothing can be done... 3 can't seem to find the seemingly easy minute issue, 1 conveniently unavailable even though he promised he would be, and another who don't give a crap. A fixable issue... left unfixed for SOME reason.

Money, money, money... it makes the world go round... unfortunately. We have had so little since husband lost his job before Christmas. Debt continues to pile up... school funds burned over months trying to keep our heads above water, leaving school to be put on hold due to lack of funds to pay for classes... and just months before graduation. And the debt still piles... pawn everything I can to help... loans from way too many sources, and selling everything possible... just to make it here.

A good job come through... light at the end of the tunnel? Nope, psych! 8 weeks till you get paid, oh but you still have to be able to afford all the tools, gas, and everything else needed to work till then. Paycheck finally... whoops, psych! A small little thing where 10% of your check is kept for future... crap... oh and 50% of the equipment and this, oh and that, and... 30% of your check is gone already...

Trying to stay thankful for the job anyway... but still losing the house, so very hard to remain thankful...

Then there is me... feeling like most of this is my fault... depression had me giving up a great job due to anxiety attacks. Feeling like a failure because I am not helping out...

Failure just beginning... weight loss forgotten, and I don't even care... but yet I really do. I can't seem to find the drive, don't know where it went, though its got to be there somewhere... Tried to sell the treadmill to help with bills but it won't sell even though its price is 1/3 what was paid less than a year ago... a sign I shouldn't be selling it? But why? The point?

I don't understand... when its something needed, its blocked, when its not understood, it tends to destroy, try to keep heads up, look at the positive, be thankful... the more thankful I get, the more is taken...

I don't lie,
I don't cheat,
I don't steal,
I don't live a life of shame or crime,
...so why?

Can I even find the will to keep pushing?
Is there even a reason I should?
Where do I begin?
Decisions...

-Need to understand... in Illinois.