25,000-29,999 SparkPoints 29,843

Decisions... can I still or should I even try?

Sunday, July 29, 2012

It has been a long time since I have written. A long time since I even logged in. A long time since I really felt like I should even try and care.

My family and I have been dealing with many things this year. What began as a rough start to a new year has quickly turned into a bad year all the way around. We all know that in this journey we call life we can have good days and bad days, good weeks ad bad weeks, even good months and bad months, or at the most extreme; those days, weeks and months can easily turn into years... good or bad.

This year has not seemed to want to give me a break. Although on the other hand, trying to stay optimistic has teased in some ways, then quickly gone down the drain. In the end, my family and I have had rough relationships which have mended. Jobs which ended but new ones come along... eventually. Tears that have fallen, yet dried up... and much, much more.

Now I come to another cross road... one which, like all crossroads, require a decision. Right or left, turn and run back... keep forward, or in my case in the last few months, curl up in a ball and stay where you are from fear of even worse happening.

Months of little income have brought us to BAD debt... my van broke down, still in the drive and we can't find what is wrong. Several mechanics in my life and nothing can be done... 3 can't seem to find the seemingly easy minute issue, 1 conveniently unavailable even though he promised he would be, and another who don't give a crap. A fixable issue... left unfixed for SOME reason.

Money, money, money... it makes the world go round... unfortunately. We have had so little since husband lost his job before Christmas. Debt continues to pile up... school funds burned over months trying to keep our heads above water, leaving school to be put on hold due to lack of funds to pay for classes... and just months before graduation. And the debt still piles... pawn everything I can to help... loans from way too many sources, and selling everything possible... just to make it here.

A good job come through... light at the end of the tunnel? Nope, psych! 8 weeks till you get paid, oh but you still have to be able to afford all the tools, gas, and everything else needed to work till then. Paycheck finally... whoops, psych! A small little thing where 10% of your check is kept for future... crap... oh and 50% of the equipment and this, oh and that, and... 30% of your check is gone already...

Trying to stay thankful for the job anyway... but still losing the house, so very hard to remain thankful...

Then there is me... feeling like most of this is my fault... depression had me giving up a great job due to anxiety attacks. Feeling like a failure because I am not helping out...

Failure just beginning... weight loss forgotten, and I don't even care... but yet I really do. I can't seem to find the drive, don't know where it went, though its got to be there somewhere... Tried to sell the treadmill to help with bills but it won't sell even though its price is 1/3 what was paid less than a year ago... a sign I shouldn't be selling it? But why? The point?

I don't understand... when its something needed, its blocked, when its not understood, it tends to destroy, try to keep heads up, look at the positive, be thankful... the more thankful I get, the more is taken...

I don't lie,
I don't cheat,
I don't steal,
I don't live a life of shame or crime, why?

Can I even find the will to keep pushing?
Is there even a reason I should?
Where do I begin?

-Need to understand... in Illinois.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    There are two things that work for me when life is crap:

    1. Count your blessings - write them down, read the list often.

    2. Help someone else - visit the nursing home, volunteer at a soup kitchen, etc.

    Worrying and fretting and cursing God accomplishes nothing (although I do have my moments and He still loves me ;-) .

    Keep your chin up sweety. Makes it so you can breathe when the flood waters overtake you.

    2058 days ago
    As I read your blog, my heart ached for you .... and I understand your feelings. Money. Debt. Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Like you, my world seems to be spinning out of control and I just don't know which end is up. I cry. I cry a lot. I can't find a job -- guess 55 is too old. Doom and gloom? Give up? No. No I will never give up. I know in my heart that God loves me. I need to keep my faith strong and do the best that I can and never - ever give up. He will pull be through this.

    You can only do so much. None of us walk in your shoes or live your life. We can offer our support -- which is one of the best features about SP -- but in the end, you need to come to terms with what's best for you.

    We are here for you -- and we will keep you in our thoughts and in our prayers. But please, don't give up ..... you never know what's around the corner. God loves you -- we all do!


    2058 days ago
    It's so hard to even think about taking care of yourself when times are rough. Remember this, though: you are worth the effort. Not taking care of you doesn't make the hard things any easier; praying for some relief for you soon.
    2058 days ago
    So sorry to hear of your hard times. I imagine that no words I can say can comfort you right now or help you believe that things will get better. Life seems so unfair at times and I can only hope and pray that things will improve for you. I hope you can keep your chin up and stay strong! emoticon
    2059 days ago
  • SHELLE13
    I am so sorry that you are going through this. I hate money right now too, it's keeping me in a job I hate and I have been eating like crazy due to the job. know what? You are a very strong woman. You have encouraged me and supported me in the past. Remember that YOU are important, YOU are worth fighting for and YOU are the one that can change your life into anything YOU want it to be! Don't let stress, setbacks or frustration get the best of you. The way I see it, you can only go up from here!

    Sending good thoughts your way! ((Hugs))
    2059 days ago
  • VALYNN26
    Hang in there sweetie. Things will turn around for you. Keep your chin up. It'll get better. It may not be today, or tomorrow, next week, next month, or even next year, but IT WILL get better. You have to believe that & I know sometimes it's hard to keep that faith when everything seems to be going wrong.But you just have to keep going & believe that there's a purpose for it all. Sending big hugs to you.
    2059 days ago
    2059 days ago
  • THOMS1
    emoticon emoticon I hope and pray that everything turns around for you and your family soon. emoticon
    2059 days ago
    You have been there for others, one of the few I count as friend. I am so sorry that life has been so unfair. There is little you can control, except yourself. That does seem to be the answer to so many things. I trust you will find solutions, although not all happy, to the problems, however, I also trust you have the personal power to ride this wave.

    You have made a good start by logging in. It is free (use the library computer if you have to) and it is real. What else can you do? Ah, drink water ... also free. And walk ... free again. Smile (a small cost here).

    I will try to check in on you (don't know how to send goodies) and I care. And I am so sorry this is happening ... you do not deserve it ... emoticon
    2059 days ago
    Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

    2059 days ago
    I have had much family trauma this year so far and it does not seem to end. I finally came to the understanding I will have the problems with family but I need to be healthy to handle them better. emoticon
    2059 days ago
    Oh dear, you really seem to have had it hard so far this year! I hope everything turn around for you and the rest of it will be better! Hang in there!

    2060 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

More Blogs by BLVING_IN_ME