Letting go of things that I unconsciously were allowing to hold me back.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Today I had a huge success. Some of you are going to think-what it took it you THIS long to do that? (and yes, it did, but I'll explain why as I write). Today, I finally packed up all of my maternity clothes. My baby is 9 months old and yes, I was still wearing maternity clothes. I still have a long way to go to lose weight and the fact of the matter was, that I didn't want to buy any new clothes at the size that I am at. So, now for 9 months I continued to wear my maternity clothes. I did not like doing this, but I wasn't losing weight or very focused in losing weight. The first 3 months that William was born-I focused on him. The first 3 weeks were pretty good-besides that normal adjustment stressors. Then weeks 3-7 were terrible. William would breastfeed for an HOUR, then cry for an hour-nonstop inconsolable crying. I had lots of family come over and help because that was my entire day! We found out he had acid reflux and in the journey also found out that something in my breast milk REALLY hurt his tummy. So, we got the meds for the reflux and he was put on formula. William changed into a different baby after that and started to show us the happy, silly, lovable baby that he still is!
I, however, experienced difficulties with this change. I felt like a failure as a mother, a woman, etc....that I could not breastfeed. There definitely were some judgements, I could tell, from others, but I knew/I know I was doing what was best for my baby. He started to really grow and was the happiest I have ever seen him! So, shortly after that I was back to work...and with going back to work not only did I have my 40 hour job-I also taught 3 classes in the Spring-2 online and one in person. I adjusted to work...and then a month later needed to start studying for the EPPP. I tried to get in work-outs, but it was impossible. I made my focus studying for the EPPP. Everyday I would go to work, eat dinner, study, and then go to bed. I hated it....I had no down time and felt like I was missing out on time with my baby! I also started to really resent my work-I work about 70 mins away from home...it has really put a strain on things. Anyways, I finally took the EPPP mid-June and then needed to focus on the State Law test. So mid-June to mid-July-the PPLE (State Law test was my focus). During this time, I also have been teaching 2 online summer classes. While studying for the PPLE I was able to work out more and I decided to only study after William went to bed...so I had more family time.
I found out I passed the EPPP in the beginning of July and I just found out I passed the PPLE this past Monday. So, no more tests...just waiting until August 29th (when I finish my postdoc hours) and I will be able to turn in my licensure application...then I stop the job I am at on Sept 18th and start my new job that is super close to home on Sept 25th.
Realistically, I recognize that there were MANY stressors that I experienced and can see why I did not lose this weight....but it is still so hard to see and know that so many women who JUST had babies are back to their pre-pregnancy body.
Anyways, back to the clothes. So...our bedroom was looking ridiculous throughout all of this described above. I would not put away clothes and started to just throw them on the floor...on the floor in our bedroom and pretty much all over our spa tub in our bathroom. I hated it, as I usually am a clean freak, but didn't know what to do. I didn't want to put the clothes away because I did not want to except that I was still wearing them, but I didn't want to pack them up because then I would need to face the fact that I have nothing to wear. I decide today...now that I am done with the studying and had my first weekend to reflect on things-mainly my health that the clothes needed to be packed up! I packed up everything! It took about 2 hours, because I needed to re-organize the room and clean it up...but it is in 3 very big boxes (I had a rather large maternity wardrobe, as you can see). It felt good...I kept telling myself that I am not going to believe any false message any more and I am not going to let me weight control me! I am going to regain the control and get the body I want! AND I am not going to allow wearing maternity clothes to make me feel crummy anymore! I will wear the maternity clothes again, probably next year at this time, when a baby is growing inside of me!!! It was an emotional experience, but a well needed and long overdue one! I still have a few clothes that need to be washed, but as soon as they are, they will be bagged up as well!
My closet, though, is very bare! There are some clothes in there too that don't fit quite yet but will once I lose more weight. So, I NEED to go shopping tomorrow and Monday (I have off work). I do not even have enough clothes to wear to last a week at work. I am going to go to Goodwill and the Community Aid Thrift tomorrow. Then on Monday go to the Rescue Mission and possibly also go to Kohls and Target to get a few new items to wear on vacation in 2 weeks. I also need a few new swimsuits-that is going to NOT be fun... So, huge accomplishment...the bedroom looks great. Now, to get some clothes, which will not be fun. I know it is going to be depressing, but at least it will be clothing that is not maternity clothing...and hopefully clothing that will be too big for me shortly. So, there is it.