Saturday, July 28, 2012
this is the written version of a blog I have been wanting to write for weeks now...
It seems that even with the best of intentions, I tend to get locked up in a gloomy mood that negatively overshadows my soul, my psyche and my body leaving me like a piece of rag.
And I drag the rag from morning to night. It does not matter how much work or how little there is, how long ago the last good time or vacation, how well I eat, train and sleep. It's just there-the gloom-and I feel awfull when it happens. I feel powerless to remove it, change it, shake it. No amount of belly dance shimmy will do the trick!
In the past, I used to shake the gloom away by shopping for things I didn't need, ate food to comfort myself fealing guilty about it afterwards or chasing meaningless relationships just to be left heart broken.
Today, there is progress, I did not fall into my usual traps or very little if I did.
Also, I have a new understanding of the gloom. Rather, I am taking new steps in understanding myself when in the gloom. The most important question about it has become: How? Am I ready to take an honest look at myself, am I opened and willing to change?
Do I need to change? Yes, I need to change my attitude in a way that I have more compassion when I feel off. How I view the situation is paramount because the situation just is neither bad or good. The truth is that I pressure myself to be always on top and it is very hard to tolerate the times when I am not.
I would also add that it is an illusion to believe that I have full control over the situation. I may choose my course of action but I truly believe that the Heavens play a great role as well. I can surrender what I cannot control to the Divine and ask for the Grace and Guidance I need.
I am gratefull I walked through the storm once again and that I can now share my experience with all of you.