Saturday, July 28, 2012
One year ago my MIL passed away. The night time hours leading up to her passing were the most harrowing of my life. My MIL had been very ill for some time and I found myself thrust into the role of a primary caregiver to a woman for whatever reason had an incredible dislike for me. She had been a smoker all her life and had COPD. She had been placed on full time oxygen therapy and still smoked. My husband and I have a commuter condo where we live most of the time and a home 61 miles away on the beautiful Puget Sound. I moved out of my condo and back into our home to care for her. I gave up my car so I would have a vehicle to carry her and whatever else might be needed. I gave up my exercise program, gave up my career basically gave up me. During this time the family was more than happy to armchair quarterback and tell me what I was doing wrong and what I SHOULD be doing. None of them were willing to come take a shift, to come and care for her themselves. I slept during this 6 month period in 90 minute increments. If she wasn't needing me for something there was all the usual day to day chores that had to be done as well as a couple of pets to care for.
After her passing it fell on my shoulders to handle all her affairs and to distribute what possessions she had left. Then the day came for me to try to pick up the pieces of my life and to go on. Funny thing is my life had changed a great deal. I went through things during those past 9 months that had changed me. I was no longer the happy active middle aged woman I was. I was now an exhausted, defeated, weary, lost individual. I felt like I had no direction and was left in a fog. I was 40 pounds heavier and no longer able to fit into my clothes and no longer felt any motivation. I know that people go through these types of situation and come out the other side, they are survivors. I don't feel like I really belong to that club. Is it that I am not as strong as others? Was it because I was caring for someone who , for lack of a better word, had a hatred for me?
During this last year I threw myself into renovating, remodeling and redecorating the lower area of my home where the 9 life changing months occurred. I moved back into my commuter condo and spent a few months in therapy. Everyone has told me that after this day things will really start to look up that I will be able to shake the last of the fog and move forward.
I still don't feel very strong but I have taken steps to begin anew again. Many of you knew me as Mobaygirl. I feel I am no longer that person. I am now and will always be BigDogsGurl, a nod to my best friend, the love of my life, my husband. Here's to moving forward, getting stronger, healthier and finding myself once again.