Saturday, July 28, 2012
I am an optimistic person by nature. You may not believe me because right now I'm feeling blue. But I swear I am very positive about life. Even the really tough stuff.
The problem is that life seems to really pile it on sometimes. I sometimes wonder how I cope with the number of life-issues I have to juggle at once.
There are people out there who manage to successfully shift their worries onto someone else. Or they have elaborate networks of supportive family and friends. On the occasions that I've tried to lean on others, they have generally let me down. So over the years I have learned to take care of my own business, which has made me a very strong person, but also doesn't give me any rest.
Sometimes, there is only one, or possibly two things to deal with in life. That's not so bad. But at other times there are so many things that I have no idea what to deal with first. I feel heavy with burden, like I weigh 10 thousand pounds. And what do exceptionally heavy people do? They eat.
I have great periods, months at a time, where I am able to separate the rest of my life from my eating habits. During those periods I tend to eat well, get plenty of exercise, and lose a substantial amount of weight.
There are other times however, when I feel as though food is the only friend I have. I know all about relaxing in a hot bath, or talking a short walk, or pampering myself with a manicure etc. I know that there are other ways to nurture myself, rather than eat. But those things don't work. They aren't my friend. Food is my friend.
Sometimes I want to murder my friend, food.
So, the question I ask myself is... how can I commit the perfect crime and get away with it? How can I murder the one friend who has gotten me through 10 thousand pounds of burden, time and time again?
Surely, without my friend, I will be crushed by the undue weight of my life-issues.
A hot bath is not going to fix some of things I need to deal with. Neither will a long walk. What fixes things is 'being resilient', 'fighting back', 'persevering'. All of which are exhausting. Something about food replenishes me so that I'm not exhausted anymore. It's the friend who lifts the burden and gives me the strength and resilience to carry on further.
What to do, when there is no-one to fall back on, and the only thing that seems to provide respite is food? How does one do away with the crutch of food?
How should I endeavour to murder my toxic friend, food, and get away with it?