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    MISSB8604   34,986
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I Am Not My Past

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Friday, July 27, 2012

There have been two times in my life where my Dad has left me notes and each time they were for something important to him, but he couldnít bring himself to tell me in person. I used to be very bad about not being able to tell someone how I feel, but am glad Iím over that now. Although he wonít be able to see this (yet, am thinking of typing this out and giving it to him), I feel like I NEED to do this in order to let a painful part of my past go. I need to embrace my life instead of wallowing in my pain. I need to embrace the life Iíve been given and finally LIVE IT. I am sharing with my you, my SparkFriends because I trust you and I feel comfortable to share my story in hopes that someone else will have the courage to WANT to be free.

My name is MissB8604 and as a child my Dad used to hit me more than I think a parent should have. Thereís a fine line between discipline and downright beating, and my Dad walked over that line more times than I care to admit. I realize now that I lived in fear. Fear of getting hit. Fear of getting yelled at. Fear of getting in trouble. I wasnít a bad kid. I got decent grades, was involved in the arts (duh) and laughed all of the time. In fact, I got in trouble for laughing a lot and often had to sit out of recess because I was interrupting class with my laughing. Despite what was going on at home, I still found reasons to laugh. I had a nice life, got what I wanted and had a very active imaginary life. As an only child, I had to find ways to entertain myself when I got home from school and ways to escape what was going on. Disney movies helped me escape. I knew every word of a lot of Disney movies (still do) and would often sing and dance in my room. I dressed up in homemade costumes and performed the Disney movies for my stuffed animals. Indication of things to come huh?



Dad was mean. Dad was scary. Dad was intimidating. I remember times when my cousins and I would get in trouble for something, and heíd sit us one by one in the bathroom in the dark for a certain amount of time. Why? I couldnít tell you. Perhaps because it was how he learned to behave as a child or what might have worked in the military when he was fighting for our country in Vietnam. I donít know, but this is what happened.

At the mere raise of his voice, I instantly began to cry. Instantly. Not just weep, but full on sob. Panic would set in.

ďWhy are you crying?!Ē
ďYou better stop crying before I give you something to cry about!Ē
ďSTOP CRYING!Ē

I remember a particular instance of his tyranny when I had a set of math problems that I needed to complete for the next day. My Dad sat me at the table, and for each and every wrong answer, I would get hit. His way of getting me to get the math problem correct was to have me spread my fingers out on the table, and if I got them wrong, heíd hit my fingers (where your nail bed is) with the end of a pencil. Not the part that writes, but the part with the eraser and metal. Now, for a little kid, this HURTS. Heck, it still even hurts now (I tried it to see if maybe I was overreacting). This kind of punishment happened often. Weekly.

When people talk about their childhood and how much they remember, I envy them. I donít remember too much. I remember certain places, certain happy times, but overall I donít remember a lot. I guess I blacked out. I remember dressing up in a princess costume and feeling like the prettiest girl in the world. I remember singing Aretha Franklinís ĎRespectí in front of my entire elementary school and having teachers tell me I was destined for greatness. I remember falling asleep on my Grannyís shoulder like it was yesterday. I remember having a meltdown in front of my 6th grade teacher and her looking on at me so concerned (she knew something was going on at home). I remember feeling like some kid nobody cared about when I couldnít get picked up until almost 7pm at day care. I guess you could say thatís a lot for a kid to remember, but if you notice that has nothing to do with being at home. I donít remember much about being at home.


Always was a Diva.

To this day, I have anxiety about my Mother falling asleep. Iíll explain why. My Mother worked very hard and made a lot of money and because of this her bedtime was around 8pm. I didnít see my Mother much, and clung to her whenever I could to get away from him. When 8pm rolled around and I knew she was getting ready for bed, I would SCREAM to her inside my head. ďPlease Mom! Please donít go to bed! Please donít leave me with him!Ē She never heard me. 8pm and beyond was his domain. Christ help little MissB8604.


I'm on the far left holding my baby cousin. Obese from a young age.

My Dad made my life a living hell. My Mother didnít do anything about it and when I asked her about it as a young adult, she dismissed me. She has once said that had she had known what he was doing, she would have skinned him alive and that made me feel better for a while. But then she started dismissing me and my feelings. Saying I was overreacting. That hurt. It hurt so badly. It hurt so much that Iím still having trouble dealing with it. Sheís next on my list to confront.

I donít trust men because of what my Dad did to me. In fact, at times I can honestly say that I hate them.

My Dad continued to hit me up until my senior year of high school when I had finally had enough. I was in trouble for my English grade and was mouthing off to him about it. We were on our way to the mall one hot summer day when my mouthing off was on another level of disrespectful. It wasnít until my Dad decided he wanted to back hand me in my face when I blacked out. When I came to, the ring my Mom had given me was broken and my Dad wouldnít stop staring at me while he drove. He looked shocked. He looked horrified. I donít know how we didnít get into an accident. All I can remember saying is, ďDonít you F***** touch me!Ē From that day forward, he has never hit me again and that incident was barely spoken about between my Mother and I. I just couldnít imagine that this man, who coached all of my friends in both elementary and high school in sports, was everyoneís favorite coach, would come home and raise hell with me. He loved my friends, bought them things all of the time and was very kind to them. All of my friends loved him. All of my friends wanted my parents to be their parents. I would have just preferred to live with my Granny. My Granny was my everything and was my only source of unconditional love in my life. She passed away 5 years ago.


Granny is in the shorts on the right.

Today, my Dad and Iís relationship is non-existent. I no longer fear him. I no longer cower when he comes home. When he decides to yell, I yell back. It may not be ideal, but its life. Itís the only way I can deal with it. In fact, I feel like heís an older roommate in the house. He tries to be supportive in my endeavors with the arts, but I feel like heís just going because my Mother is going. Weíre pleasant with each other and sometimes even laugh about things, but overall I donít care to talk with him. I canít. I deal with him and only respect him because heís the man that gave me life. Thatís all. Do I love him? I canít answer that for sure. All I know is that I am damaged person because of this and have to rebuild my entire psyche. I will not however let this beat me. In order to become the person I deserve to be (and know that I am), I need to let this and some other things go. I need to confront my father and I need to move on. I guess I see him for just the little man he is, the human being who has done some pretty terrible things in his life and is paying for it even now.

This amazing, joyful little girl will not be broken. Never. No longer will I let the fact that my Dad used to beat me as a child hold me back from the greatness that is in store for me.

My name is MissB8604 and I am filled with joy.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

YULLABELLE 7/30/2012 9:54AM

    You have overcome something many have had to deal with and you came out ahead because you have learned from it. Just remember the love. The love of your grandmother, the love of other friends and family and move ahead. Our parents are human and they make many mistakes along the way but the only way for us to move forward is to forgive. You may never forget but forgive for you. Continue the healing process. There are groups, counselors or pastors who can help with overcoming this hurt and abuse. emoticon Just know you are loved.

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WHENWILLIBEFIT 7/30/2012 9:17AM

    Wow, thank you for sharing your painful past. Some of what you wrote really resonated with my own past on differering levels and its effect on the present, all of which I'm currently trying to come to terms with.

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ASHOAF1 7/30/2012 8:50AM

  So sorry for what you have had to endure. You are a strong woman and should be very proud of your amazing attitude!

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DMEYER4 7/30/2012 7:18AM

  I am so sorry for all you have been through. You are a truly remarkable and wonderful person. I am glad you are putting this behind you and moving on.

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PREMAMEHROTRA 7/30/2012 6:24AM

  I read somewhere once, many years ago, that, no matter what is taken away from our lives, we still will not lose the luxury of making a choice. You have, and may I add, very wisely, made a choice to live your life for yourself and to be good to you. You could have very easily decided, for every thing that went wrong in your life, that your parents were to blame. But instead, you recognised them for their shortfalls including the inability to give you support and strength, and drew courage from within yourself to move on and progress in life.

You have every reason to feel proud of you - you made the choice to be happy.

God Bless you and your courage,
Prema
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BHOOMEESWAREE 7/30/2012 2:05AM

  It is so painful to know that some people are really bad on this earth. But please do have courage and keep smiling.

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ANGELWENDYMAMA 7/30/2012 1:24AM

    Thank you. emoticon

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XALEAH 7/30/2012 12:22AM

    You are a strong woman, and you were also a strong girl. Survivor. Courageous. You over came odds that were stacked against you. And yet you have come out the other end, beautiful, willing, able, strong. Believe in yourself, you are better then this.

I sit here writing those words, knowing that I need to take heed to my own advice.

thank you for sharing with us.

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NEWCHINELO 7/30/2012 12:12AM

    so so sorry for all this

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LBEEKMA 7/29/2012 11:50PM

    My heart hurts for what you've had to endure all alone (except for your granny). I hope sharing this with him causes him to look inward and regret his actions. You are a strong, young woman in spite of all of this. I admire your strength and courage.

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FABFRAN 7/29/2012 11:49PM

  I am sorry to hear about how your dad treated you. there is a group called ACA. It is for adult children of alcoholic, or other types of abusive and disfunctional parents. There is a lot of healing in their meetings and help for you in dealing with people like your dad. Please check for a group near you. It will help to know you are not alone. You are a beautiful person and deserve a good life. I wish you the best.

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ND774748 7/29/2012 11:39PM

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KEEPITSIMPLE_ 7/29/2012 11:22PM

    Yes, the best thing is to forgive, and let it go. It is very freeing, truly, if you can let it go. Your childhood almost mirrors mine, except they split when we were young. The best situation ever, except while Dad was physically abusive, and i got the belt for everything, , Mom was verbally abusive. I'm still not sure which was worse, but I grew up with a very low self-esteem, knowing I couldn't do much because that is all I heard. I too was/am envious of other families, and even now (at 46), I am envious at situations. What would life had been like if I had a Mom, Dad, and siblings, with a life centered on God? What if we loved each other, instead of fought with each other? What if we prayed together, and worked things out as a family? What if Dad didn't walk out and help support us? What if..... But, I ultimately left home, entered a bad and abusive relationship, which endured for years, but i finally ended. I don't live near them, and rarely have contact with my father, but have a good relationship with Mom and my sister. I forgave and let everything go a long time ago, but i do feel i'm an accumulation of the past, even with all of my poor decisions. I'm a good person today with so much to offer, but the bottom line is, I am who I am, because of my past experiences, and I wouldn't be where i am today, led to my current, most loving husband ever. I believe in divine intervention, and my current husband can only be just that. I'm thankful and blessed for my current life, the forgiveness of my past, and how strong and independent I am today. Forgiveness was key, along with understanding how blessed I am. I was led out of another form of abuse, the cycle was broken. I was strong and independent even prior to meeting my husband. And I'm strong and independent now. I'm in the same place as far as respect (only for my life), and I truly cannot claim love. I'm indifferent. Confrontation would be good for you to get it all out, and moving on would be even better. Start fresh, let go of the past, and don't let the past affect your future negatively. Move forward in a positive way, and make a priority list of what you expect in future relationships, then don't settle for less. If a man disrespects you early on, in any way, it will only increase. Move on, protect yourself, love yourself like nobody else, you deserve the best!


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GBAUM0432 7/29/2012 11:05PM

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GERMAINE30 7/29/2012 9:50PM

  I think you have to learn to truly forgive your father. I didn't always get along with my father growing up and always wondered if I loved him or not. Many times I'd dream of him dying and I'd wake up from my dreams crying uncontrollably. This helped me to realize I did love him. My father was a disciplinarian also, but I don't think it spilled over into abuse. I was also a good child with good grades and feel as though I could have been the same child and woman I am today with fewer spankings. Around age 15 or 16 I remember my father apologizing to us, not for being a disciplinarian, but for living the life he'd lived in front of us. It was at this time that he said something that forever stuck with me. In short he said he'd done his best based upon what he experienced as a child. He didn't agree with everything his parents did and he knew that we hadn't agreed with everything he'd done. He then told us that parenting didn't come with a manual and when we became parents he hoped we'd learn from his mistakes. Maybe your father did the best he could based upon his experiences. Regardless, forgiving him will make a world of difference in your life. I pray God releases you from the hurt you feel today.

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BETHSWORLD 7/29/2012 8:29PM

    WOW SWEETIE, YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH ALOT! I AM SO SORRY. BUT I AM GLAD YOU ARE OVERCOMING YOUR FEARS AND CONFRONTING THOSE THAT NEED TO BE CONFRONTED.

YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY....KEEP DOING WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU!!!

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GOSPARK45 7/29/2012 7:25PM

    I'm so sorry to hear about your past. Unfortunately you will have to deal with it for a while. You're off to a good start by letting it see the light of day. It won't make it better, but it will help you slowly change your feelings about it until you can put it behind you.

You're very courageous and strong. You are on the right track.

Good for you, I'm glad you were able to stand up to him. That will help you stand up for yourself from now on.

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VANILLANNE 7/29/2012 6:39PM

    You've emerged from the pain a much stronger person --- and sharing your story empowers others too. Very touching.

You are a beautiful and special lady. All the best.

-anne emoticon

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67YKCEB 7/29/2012 5:46PM

    emoticon I too grew up with an abusive father. And I don't remember my childhood. Oh there are a few times in there, but for the most part .... I don't remember. My father drank, he would come home 3 to 4 night drunk. And when he wasn't drunk, well we were to upset and hurt to talk to him. but we didn't want to anyways. He was a very hateful, hurtful person that only his wife and kids got the pleasure of knowing. To everybody else he was perfect. I understand how you feel. I understand about the hating all men. but not all men are bad. There are a lot of wonderful one out there that do't abuse. He died 2 ago and I didn't go to the funeral. When i got married in 1988 I stop seeing him and talking to him. I think in the 20 + years I might have spoken to him 5 times. One thing that my father taught me was to be strong and I am. And it sounds like you are too.
Lots of hugs and best wish to you. I hope one day you will be able to put his abuse behind you. I know it's hard, but my healing began when I forgave him. I never said it to him, but I said it to God. And that was enough. Best of luck to you!!

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YOURTRUTHDIET 7/29/2012 5:34PM

  I am very glad that you have told your story because so many others have the same one or worse, but are afraid to tell it. I was abused in other ways as a child and the mental effects are still damaging as an adult. I have issues with trust when it comes to dealing with men, but I'm very vocal about it and try not to take it out on anyone. I speak about it and see it as a sign of strength because I'm not holding the pain in anymore, but there will always be pain. The most important thing to do with that pain is to turn it into something productive. I blog about it, force myself to face my fears, and I'm open and honest with people when I feel that they are bullying or mistreating others. The changes that you are making in your life right now will make you a stronger and healthier person both physically and emotionally. I'm proud of you. Stay strong. Healthy Journey!

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SERASARA 7/29/2012 5:31PM

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JUDYAMK 7/29/2012 4:31PM

    You are a very special person.You are a survivor
Judy

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SALLY212 7/29/2012 4:12PM

    Well done x

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SPARKLE1908 7/29/2012 3:34PM

    What a powerful story about a strong little girl who turned into a strong young lady! I commend you for sharing your pain with us and for taking control of your life!!

{{{HUGS}}}

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KICKINGKILOS 7/29/2012 3:29PM

    (((((HUGS)))))

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PANPLUS 7/29/2012 3:04PM

  I am so sorry that you had to go through that.May God bless you.

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DANCINGWILLOW87 7/29/2012 2:45PM

    This was very painful to read. I can only imagine what it was like for your to write it.
You are a very strong woman to come to this point in your life with the outlook you have. Never lose that.

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WRITINGDIVA1 7/29/2012 2:13PM

    Touching! Bless you!!!

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LEALOWE 7/29/2012 1:39PM

    I can totally relate. Today, my life is so good and my children and grandchildren will never be treated the way I was as a child. However, there are still times (mostly when I have to deal with my parents) when I fall to pieces again. It's like having PTSD and it will probably always be with you. But you need to learn how to move on and live with it or you will be the one who suffers. You can do it. It's not easy and it will always be a part of you but in the end it will only be a small part of you as make a life of your own. Good luck, you're on the right track. Don't let him continue to have power over you.

HUGS

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STINASTEW 7/29/2012 1:31PM

    WOW! That was VERY moving! How brave of you to let this all out & especially for sticking up for yourself. You're an inspiration bc despite things you had/have to face, you continue to push through. There are so many ppl out there that make bad choices now based on their childhood or something that has happened to them, but you're not letting that define you & KNOW that's easier said that done. Keep pushing! You're amazing!! :)

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LEB0401 7/29/2012 1:24PM

    Thank you so much for sharing. This really hit home for me, as I grew up with an abusive sibling. Our relationship is now non-existant, too. For the sake of my nephew I know I need to confront it and move on.

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DEFININGMYSELF 7/29/2012 12:38PM

  You are an absolutely beautiful person. May God bless you always.

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GOLDENSENIOR 7/29/2012 12:09PM

    You have handled this already as I think you should by writing it down. The main thing now is to put it in the past were it should stay and continue on with your life in Joy and gratitude for your talents and being able to help yourself and others.

God bless you for sharing your story. There are many abused women out there who will relate to you. You give them courage.
Thank you

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NANCYGILMORE1 7/29/2012 11:53AM

    You Are Strong And Beautiful. Never let anyone hit you again.
You Will Succeed.
I am inspired to push on since reading your blog.
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ELUNAMAKATA 7/29/2012 11:25AM

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HERZINGM 7/29/2012 11:14AM

    Your title says it all.

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MAMADWARF 7/29/2012 10:51AM

    I love your final paragraph. It makes me so sad to think of the happy singing you having to live in fear. You are moving forward and that is everything. I have been abused in the past ( ex husband) and I understand the pain and the secrets and the shame. Rise above, girl. There is a whole better way of life ahead and its yours. Jan

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DMF2012 7/29/2012 10:27AM

    You've got the right attitude about yourself, but I hope you'll be able to come full circle with your parents. Although it wasn't right of them, they probably had some pain of their own that they kept secret and that could be the key to a better relationship between all of you. It sounds like your Dad finally felt bad about hitting you the last time he did it...I'm sure they are both very proud of you now, as your SP friends are too! Keep the faith!

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JLEMUS1 7/29/2012 10:18AM

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SCROSY8 7/29/2012 10:01AM

    Bless you! So sad your dad never saw the jewel that you are.

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Comment edited on: 7/29/2012 10:02:47 AM

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MISSLISA1973 7/29/2012 9:53AM

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KMSIMMONS1 7/29/2012 9:26AM

  You are AWESOME girl! Thanks for sharing. You inspire me. I will keep you in my prayers. God bless you.

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LILSPARKIE85 7/29/2012 8:56AM

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TURNINGTABLES21 7/29/2012 8:32AM

  This could not have been easy to reveal. Living in a house like that encourages keeping secrets. Sadly, I know from first hand experience. How cathartic it must have been to write this blog.

Keep on keeping on girl! You are on your way!

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FLYINGB16 7/29/2012 7:58AM

    This had to be so hard to share with us. YOU are a survivor (so am I). Our past does not define us but it does mold our perceptions of people in our present and future. TRUST is SO hard for me as well. I have no relationship with my father either. Their job is to protect and cherish their children, not to be their tormentors.

You deserved better. You are special and talented and worthy and I am so happy you are full of joy. Let your light shine and blind all the bad guys!

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LEANMEAN2 7/29/2012 7:39AM

    Thanks for sharing.

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STEFFI0502 7/29/2012 4:56AM

    Thank you for sharing this with us. You are a very strong person. Dont get defined by your past. You can be and do whatever you want to!!!!! Stay strong!!!!

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BLUEJEAN99 7/29/2012 2:00AM

    Thank you for sharing this. You are very loved and blessed and beautiful! emoticon

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PATTOMMC3 7/29/2012 1:35AM

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LOSE15YES 7/29/2012 1:06AM

    Thank you. I am glad your spirit is still intact. You are one strong lady...and beautiful. My father was emotionally absent as was my mother to a big extent. It taught me how not to be to my daughter!! That is the positive. Can't wait to follow your weight loss journey .... emoticon

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