Friday, July 27, 2012
I just realized yesterday (kind of slow on this, LOL) quite how deeply my weight affects me. When I am over 200lbs, ESPECIALLY when up around 220+, I am very self-concious, and trying to hide myself. Under 200, I am feeling so much more confident and sexy. I actually had a mental picture of myself showing up at a friend's Halloween party in the buff, and explaining that I was Bottecelli's Venus (was a good laugh...and if my hair were a bit longer, I'd actually consider it, LOL)
I've done a TON of clothes shopping over the past month, getting together clothes that fit decently, both for work and to show myself how much my hard work has paid off. The downside, I've spent over $400! (At least it was out of my personal spending money, that has NOTHING to do with paying bills, and clothing is part of what that is meant for). The upside...I have several pairs of AE jeans in size 14 (down from a tight 18), some Old Navy shorts in both 14 & 16, AE shirt in XL (down from XXL) and some Old Navy shirts in a L (down from XL and XXL). I got a new bra, that is down to 38DDD from a 40DDDD(G). The size 14 jeans are already getting a little loose after only a month, but I have a friend handing off some size 12's that she can't wear anymore (she's a 8/10 now).
Had a conversation with my husband last night, discussing my actual goals. His reaction to "another 70 pounds" was just "good luck" but when I detailed examples of clothing size for my goals, he seemed to think that maybe I wasn't speaking craziness. So, my goal sizes...
Pants, I want to get down to at least a size 8 in American Eagle. Shirts, I'm thinking M/L depending on the store...I would really like to get my chest back down to a 36 C/D. These are things I see as totally attainable and even not too distant in the future. The idea of being able to just walk into ANY store and get a new cute bra is appealing, especially Victoria's Secret...I haven't been able to shop there (due to cup size!) since I was 15/16!
Mostly though, the sizes I just listed are the "me" I still see in my head, the person that gets confused and upset by what the mirror shows. I know that's a bit outta date considering how long its been since I've been that small, but that's still the "me" I remember and want to be again. And I'm getting there, and this time, I have the knowledge and the tools to STAY there, and to appreciate it instead of thinking I'm fat already, so what does it matter if I stuff my face with cookies and milkshakes?