Friday, July 27, 2012
Here is my post of yesterday (not reviewed):
It's 9 am. I'm awake since 6, 'cause yesterday I fall asleep maybe at 7 or 8 pm, I'm not sure, I don't really remember. I'm taking methadone, prescribed from my doctor for my heroin addiction. That's why I fall asleep without even realizing, in every possible position, sometimes even with stuff under my body. I'm getting a lot prescribed (15 ml./day) but from tomorrow on I will reduce 1 ml every week. I want to completely stop taking this poison. I had never taken so much and there are lots of secondary effects, one of them is that it slows down my metabolism and I gain weight. But I've seen that with SP it's possible to control it. Anyway, the main reason for wanting to stop is Freedom. I don't have any freedom at all, because I'm not only physically dependent on this "legal drug", but also mentally. If one day I don't take my dose, well completely not taking it's impossible, I mean, if I take less then what I'm used to, then I get really depressed and sensitive and start crying for every little thing, every thought I have is sad and they all seem so real.
There were many times where I tried to stop taking drugs (I'll call them all just drugs, the legal and the illegal ones, because they all have the same effect on the body and the mind, they're all opiates), but I believe it didn't work because my life was too empty. There were for sure other factors in play, but since I started this time with SP I understood something very important. Let me explain:
Before I only ate once everyday. I spent all day drinking coffee and smocking cigarettes until the night, then I got hungry and ate a lots of sweets or whatever I was craving. The days were also very depressing, empty, full of thoughts against myself. I spent lots of hours on the computer watching TV series. I guess it was a way to silence all that negative self-talk. And my internal clock was also upside-down, I slept at least until 1 or 2 pm (at least!). And this is not everything that went wrong. There were other things affecting me, like the death of my best friend and only brother and the daily calls of my depressing and controlling mother. But that's another story... Anyway, when I started the SP program I understood and saw that the most important thing in life is to be healthy. It's the first thing you have to take care of. The other things come later, but first is your health. When you take care of your health, you feel good, happy, motivated. Just taking care of what I eat has such an incredible effect on my wellbeing. Now I see that in order to be able to stop the drugs or medications I take, I need to have a life that I like. If I exercise and eat healthy, I feel so much better. And if I pursue my life goals, my life starts to feel full, full of things I love, instead of almost empty or just filled with things I hate. No wonder I couldn't stop taking drugs! When you try to stop, you feel really bad for some time, and if there's nothing in your life that you love or like, then you don't feel the power and motivation you need to go on. You say to yourself: "why suffer? for what?".
Now my goal is to fill my life with things that I love, and also to put away the things that I don't love, which is maybe more difficult. It doesn't mean that it will be easy,but at least it's a goal that motivates me. I am still having a lot of negative self-talk, but it's normal since I've been doing that for many years. And I'm not exercising anymore. I know that it would help me a lot with feeling good, I want to start again.