Wednesday, July 25, 2012
A great big dump truck!
And it backs up and rolls over me again and again and again. I am totally squashed in the bottom of a deep pit.
Part of me is screaming not to type this blog for several reasons. 1. I don't usually reach out for help/support when I am this far sunk. I hide. I hide from the "real" people in my day to day life. I can even hide from my online friends by not being online too much or being too honest when I am. Usually at this point I am dropping out of teams and challenges. 2. I don't want anyone to roll their eyes and think "Her status has been whiney for a while. Why can't she just get it together?" and 3. I'm not really wanting to hear the usual "You can do it" pep talks.
I think I mainly need to write this blog to just unload some things and usually through my rambling I figure out some lessons to learn. I've been hiding for a few days now. I sign on just long enough to get my sign in points. But that is it. I haven't been checking in with teams because I'm ashamed to admit I have failed big time this past week. All those catch phrases that people have on their pages about never quitting and if you are tired of ....stop quitting. Well I am tired of quitting. But I am also tired of not making any progress either. The devil has told me for a long time that I'll never get below 200 because my body has been above it for decades and I am beginning to believe him. I'm tired of being able to stick with it for such a short time, make a little progress, stumble and roll like a snowball. I am tired of feeling like a failure.
I thought I would go back to my last blog and get some encouragement. I know at that time I was feeling much more positive than I am now. As I reread it I didn't even recognize that voice. It didn't sound anything like the way I am feeling now. I haven't exercised in a week. I've eaten like the old Leisa use to eat regularly. I'm wallowing in my pit. I've beyond overwhelmed with all the things in my life that I need to be taking care of. I won't list them all, but it is a lengthy list and I don't seem to be accomplishing anything on it. And time is running out on my summer quickly. I wanted to accomplish so much more this summer. I wanted friends to be able to see a difference in me when I go back to school.
Ok...well the rambling isn't helping tonight.
If you have read this far, I'm sorry for wasting your time. I'm sorry for not being the ray of sunshine and encouragement that I like to be in my friends' lives. I need help. I need prayers.