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What am I really doing?????

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Well, we had our time at the lake. Had a blast!!! However, it was miserable hot so there was minimal outside time. We did get out on pontoon each evening to enjoy the lake. We love their little lake--so quaint and peaceful!! It was different without my dad there but we had some fun talks and memories about him. Got together with some cousins I never get to see. That was fun too--lots of memory lane stuff there, too.
We received shocking news right before we left: my daughter is pregnant with baby #3!!! They have talked off and on about another baby but nothing had been said in a LONG time so I figured they would be happy with their 2. WRONG!!! She's not very far along and is feeling awful. She had no sickness with #1; little fleeting episodes with #2; and now this one is making her pretty tired and miserable. As of right now, they are not going to find out the gender. They each come from a family of 2 kids so they say this is their adventure baby!!! :) Of course, we are thrilled but, as a mom, I worry about my daughter. More babysitting for me as she heads to doctor visits!!
We had the engagement party for my son and his fiance. What fun!!! Lots of people to meet--mostly her family and family friends. They are so cute together and, I think they are good for each other. We love her family! I am so blessed! Life is good.
Life is good but my weight leaves a lot to be desired!! I am almost at my all time high!! No, I have not changed my ticker!! I don't need to see that every time I log on and you definitely don't need to see it. OK. So now what???
Here's the down and dirty. I have been on Spark since December 2009 and have lost no weight. Obviously, I have gained at this point although I have gone up and down by 5 pounds or so. I know what I need to do. I've read the book. I've read the blogs. I'm just, for whatever reason, not living what I know. I am not consistent with exercise or food intake. I feel wonderful when I am on track so why do I keep getting off track??? I don't like the way I feel bumping along but it seems too much of a decision and commitment to stay on those tracks. The only time in my life I have lost weight was when I went to Jenny Craig. I could keep it off for 3 years or so before it crept back on. I don't want to eat Jenny Craig food, meet with a counselor and pay all of that money...........I should be able to do this myself!!
Now, dear friends, I love you all!!!! I love reading your blogs; I love communicating with you; I love supporting you and cheering you on; I love it when you support me and cheer me on. However, my motivation needs to be internal and right now it's not. Don't know why; don't know when or if it will return. I would love to lose this weight by son's wedding next July but not so in love with that idea that I'm getting off my butt or eliminating some crap food from my diet. "Watching portions" is what I call it : I watch all the portions go in!! I have all sorts of rationales as I'm sure you all do.
So there you have it. Here I am again (still). Sometimes I feel like such a liar being on this site. I have not really committed to this journey; heck, I haven't even committed to getting on the path!
I am not depressed about this situation. I am feeling very clear headed and somewhat relieved to admit this to myself (I'm not crazy about sharing it with you guys) emoticonI know I need to work through this--something I haven't done yet. Why do I resist this? Why do I feel like I'm a child saying "I'll show you!!! I won't walk this week!" Cutting off my nose to spite my face--but why? I also wonder if I use this as an excuse instead of just doing it in spite of myself! (Poor me! I can't get it together! WAA! WAA!) When I say that I may be letting myself off the hook. YIKES! Do we have a psychologist out there that could give me some input????? emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    PINKHOPE recently wrote a helpful blog o n the difference between "wanting to be thinner" and "wanting to lose the weight".

    It really hit home, as I read it today, that maybe that's why the wedding and the reunion worked as motivators for me. Because they changed my goal to "wanting to LOSE the weight", and not just expecting the weight to disappear because I wanted to "be thinner".

    Her blog is well worth reading.

    ~ Faith
    2038 days ago
    What a great time you had with your family! The lake sounds great, and I hope your daughter's pregnancy goes smoothly after this.

    I'm amazed that you have stuck with SP since 2009. The fact that you have at least kept your weight mostly in check sounds encouraging, and in the end, the weight loss has to come on YOUR timescale. And you'll already be armed with all the tools you need to reach your goal, since, as you said, you've read the book. Good luck, and I hope that "aha" moment comes soon for you.
    2039 days ago
    Wow! Great news about the baby :-) And glad you enjoyed the engagement party!

    I know what you mean about knowing what needs to be done vs. actually doing it! Just hang in there, it will happen. One day we'll keep it together to stay on track long enough to see a difference. Then that will motivate us to keep going. emoticon
    2039 days ago
    Beth, i am so happy you are in such a nice place in your life. Son and daughter both healthy and educated. You have obviously set them a good example.
    I must admit I was told i would never lose weight so e I just went along my merry way then the wake up A1c came along for me.

    Of late I have been doing badly. I have the Grands here and i am having a ball and becoming a ball. My A1c is going up and I know the scales will follow. As soon as the Grands are ready to leave I will have my exercise room back and my computer room and I must reverse the trend.

    I am a lot older than you and I truly wish I could have done this journey sooner. It is hard to get healthy when you are not taking care of your body.
    You will see the light at some point in time and then you will be MOTIVATED and DETERMINED.
    The scale does not bother me, it is not that important.
    HEALTH is WEALTH to me and I want a much better account of my health.
    I will do what I can do to help it stay well.

    Eat right and exercise will keep it that way for the most part.
    Only when you are ready though HUGS Pat in Maine. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2039 days ago
    Wow, Beth. So sorry to hear about that.

    I wish that I had advice, but, ... I don't, really. I also tried to lose weight, unsuccessfully, for years. Was off and on SparkPeople for years.

    The problem, I think, was motivation. I always WANTED to lose weight. But, somehow, that wasn't enough. Even with trying.

    I was finally able to actually LOSE it, when I had a "real" motivating factor. I had an upcoming 30-year college reunion, and my daughter's wedding, just two months apart. And, almost a year to work on weight loss. Somehow, I could not imagine showing up at the reunion at almost twice the weight I was when I graduated (yes -- I was probably about 95 or 100 pounds back then, and was now at 180 or 185). And, I could not imagine being a "mother of the bride" wearing what I called a "tent", because that's the only dresses I could fit into.

    So, I just DECIDED. There was no other option, in my mind. I was "planning" the reunion, so I couldn't not show up to that. And, I couldn't not show up at my daughter's wedding. So, I had to lose the weight. I was, absolutely, simply, NOT willing to be obese at either of those events.

    I don't know how to get that motivation when it isn't there. But, somehow, Beth, you need to FIND it. Find the one (or more) factor that you absolutely will NOT put up with. The one thing that makes NOT losing the weight not even an option. And, keep that motivator forefront in your mind.

    That HAS to be the first, and most important, step. Then, you take all of your baby steps after that. And, keep adding one more baby step to the last baby step. You know all of those "right" things to do.

    But, first things first. Find your motivator. And, don't budge from it!

    ~ Faith
    2039 days ago
    I really want to go to the lake but it's just too hot here. I don't enjoy it when it's like this.

    Congratulations on the future new member of the family. I sometimes wished I had more kids as I won't have anyone around in my old age and no grandkids but I guess my fate was sealed long ago. LOL. I think it's best to have more than one child and 3 sounds great.

    Things are certainly looking up for your family. It sounds like your son has it made now too as well as your daughter. Sometimes we seem to worry ourselves needlessly and everything works out.

    I'm doing terrible on the diet and exercise both. I can't manage to even be good for 2 days in a row. No help here. I'm a loser and not in the way I want to be. LOL.
    2040 days ago
    Thanks for sharing Beth. I am still here to support you no matter what you decide to do or when you decide to do it. It's like being an alcoholic in my book....which I am....when I was ready to quit, I didn't let anything or anyone get in my way. When I decided I needed to loose weight and get healthy, I took the bull by the horns and attacked it just like my alcoholism. We all different ways to cope with it and different bottoms to reach before we decide to do something about it. Maybe you are not quite ready yet, but having written about it and being honest with us is a first GOOD step my friend. The light will go off one day I am sure and you will find what you need to make it happen. Until then, fake it till you make it. Luv ya xoxoxoxo
    2040 days ago
  • GUNNSGIRL91303
    I think you should read the book "Intuitive Eating" because it allows you to eat whatever you want and in whatever amount you choose. It is a method of retraining the body and how you think about food. You won't be on a "diet" and it may help you. Its just a suggestion. I struggle constantly lately and my weight has crept up. Not sure how much because I try not to weigh in often but I see the doc on Thursday so I'll see the number. I can relate to you so much...I have done it before (lost weight, kept if off for a decade) and know what to do and what not to do. emoticon if we really want it bad enough!
    Congrats on your coming grandchild and your son's wedding to a nice girl. Life could sure be worse, eh?
    2040 days ago
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