Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Been feeling down in the dumps for a good lil while. Have had good days, but yet still feel like I'm in a bit of a funk. It's all part of the refining process that I mentioned in my last blog. I'm not liking it. I want to be a useful vessle for God and at the moment I feel rather useless. My attitude isn't the best I must admit. I need to renew my mind. I need to reajust my negative thought life. But I'm finding it hard to do.
Today I met with my counselor and she said something that really bothers me. She said I wouldn't be getting out of this funk until I started getting involved in the community or in an area of my church that wasn't Recovery related. She feels my view is limited as there is only one thing I really want to do and in some ways that door has been closed. Maybe it has and maybe it hasn't. I will be interviewing soon for a volunteer position in my church that I have been wanting to do. I won't ever know the door is officially closed until I do the interview and am told no. Then I will give it up and let well enough alone. Maybe I want this thing too much. I don't know. I've been praying and sometimes it feels as though the prayers bounce back from the ceiling. I know that's just my feelings taking over. I know God is working in my life and that He has plans for me. Jeremiah 29:11 says so.
I just don't know what the future holds and I am not sure which direction to go. I feel lost in a maze. I feel like I've lost my sense of who I am.....Of course I was allowing what I did to define myself. Not good.
On a positive note I have been keeping my apartment pretty up to speed. I have GREAT friends that God has blessed me with. And Thursday is my Birthday. I've been blessed in many ways. I just have to keep my eyes on these things and not get caught up in my feelings.