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Tuesday, July 24, 2012

emoticon Been feeling down in the dumps for a good lil while. Have had good days, but yet still feel like I'm in a bit of a funk. It's all part of the refining process that I mentioned in my last blog. I'm not liking it. I want to be a useful vessle for God and at the moment I feel rather useless. My attitude isn't the best I must admit. I need to renew my mind. I need to reajust my negative thought life. But I'm finding it hard to do.

Today I met with my counselor and she said something that really bothers me. She said I wouldn't be getting out of this funk until I started getting involved in the community or in an area of my church that wasn't Recovery related. She feels my view is limited as there is only one thing I really want to do and in some ways that door has been closed. Maybe it has and maybe it hasn't. I will be interviewing soon for a volunteer position in my church that I have been wanting to do. I won't ever know the door is officially closed until I do the interview and am told no. Then I will give it up and let well enough alone. Maybe I want this thing too much. I don't know. I've been praying and sometimes it feels as though the prayers bounce back from the ceiling. I know that's just my feelings taking over. I know God is working in my life and that He has plans for me. Jeremiah 29:11 says so.

I just don't know what the future holds and I am not sure which direction to go. I feel lost in a maze. I feel like I've lost my sense of who I am.....Of course I was allowing what I did to define myself. Not good.

On a positive note I have been keeping my apartment pretty up to speed. I have GREAT friends that God has blessed me with. And Thursday is my Birthday. I've been blessed in many ways. I just have to keep my eyes on these things and not get caught up in my feelings.
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    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon keeping you in my t&ps, that you'll find clarity... the last few years, i read the Spark and it has a chapter on focus, finding our authentic goals/roles in life... and everytime I ponder those, i often feel a sense of... well, anyway... i realized that there are multiple roles & goals and areas in my life where I serve, and that I actually work on/towards those concurrently... some come to fruition sooner, others later, and in all things, i ask the Lord to guide and direct my footsteps, b/c all too often, i just can't see how things could possibly work out... when Psalms 23 comforts me...

    I found doing a gratitude list daily, real, deep down gratitude list, starting with giving thanks for simply being alive today to serve the Lord... to having a home, enough food, etc... grateful I'm not impoverished in a 3rd world country or war torn country, and I was surprised how this really lifted my spirits, helps me to crack a smile even...

    and then there was cardio exercise, even simple walking, getting the blood flowing... that truly surprised me... of course i found the pool much easier on the body, so that is my fav... and refreshing, but we each find our own...

    anyway, i'm so glad to hear from you... and wondered how you have been... i think of you often & always. (hugs) jules :)
    2062 days ago
    Praying for you, Cynthia - we all have those self doubts at times, & unfortunately, we do a pretty good job at getting into a funk too often (most of us, anyway, I'm sure)! But God will lead you to where He wants you to be. Don't be hard on yourself - just keep putting one foot in front of the other, & before you know it, you'll see that you've made tremendous progress!

    God loves you & so do I,

    2063 days ago
    And she's one person with one opinion. Goodness knows, we've seen enough to now know that the medical profession isn't perfect! I know, I know....don't tell THEM that!

    Hang in there, sweetie! And know that you are beautiful, capable, and lovable - always.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2064 days ago
    Oh I struggle with defining myself by what I do! And then no matter what I do, it's not enough or not what I feel worthy enough! Hang in there. You know God, you know your heart and you trust in both. He will lead you and care for your heart.

    Okay, possibly, quite possibly the counselor could be right. But then read the last two lines above. You know what God has put in your heart. Don't let anyone tell you any differently.

    Happy day before your birthday!!
    2065 days ago
    I'm sorry, Cynthia, that you've been having a rough time. I really like working with affirmations; they help guide my thinking back into more positive grooves, especially when I'm starting to obsess or grind about something I have no control over, or some future or past event rather than focusing on the joys that are available to me in this moment. I like reminding myself to stay open to possibilities.

    I like how Deepak Chopra, in the Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, encourages us to state our intentions clearly, asking God or the Universe for the deepest desires of our heart, while practicing detachment to the results. When we get too attached to specific results, we close ourselves off from many wonderful opportunities. Having faith and remaining open, while doing the work we need to do, helps prevent disappointment.

    Wishing you all the best, now and always, emoticon
    Blessed Be, Amanda emoticon
    2065 days ago
    My prayers are with you also:)
    2065 days ago
  • BERGIE8771
    FIrst off, Happy pre-Birthday! My best friend in swimming's b-day is July 25, with yours on the 26th, that should be easy (er) for me to remember next year.

    You know that God will lead you to where he wants you to serve, and not to be a total downer, sometimes it is not what we think we want. I will pray for you, that what you want, is where He wants you to be. It really is hard sometimes.

    For me, I just continue to serve where I am, with 4-5th graders, and with my teaching swimming. My plan is to continue both until He leads me to follow a different direction.

    Hope you feel brighter soon!
    Love & Huggs,
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    2065 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/24/2012 10:47:30 PM
    emoticon emoticon I have every faith in you and we will help you get through this! You are my little emoticon just coming out from the cocoon. It is a hard journey at times but you are going to emerge in all the beautiful glory that God has given you and soar to unbelievable heights! emoticon emoticon Momma Bear!
    2065 days ago
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