Monday, July 23, 2012
I don’t really even know where to begin…..
It’s been awhile since I’ve written down how I feel and what’s going right now in my life, I’m always thinking of doing it, but never do. Today, I decided, I owe to myself, I need to do this. I have forced myself to take out some and just write. I, of course, feel guilty for this as there is so much to do around the house and so much I could busy myself with. I have to stop for a few moments and do this for me.
I don’t even know where to begin to catch up on my thoughts, feelings, victories and failings. The past few weeks seem to have all blurred together. All I know is, I’m struggling with the this whole journey. Why? I have absolutely no idea why I am, and it’s really frustrating. I don’t know why I lie to myself and tell myself I’m doing everything I can do to make myself healthier. I don’t know why I seem so disappointed when I step on the scale and gain/lose the same pound for weeks….I know it’s going to happen, but yet I feel surprised and disappointed each time. I know this isn’t a sprint, I know I’m in this for the long run, but can I really do this?? A few years ago, I had willpower made of steel and once I put my mind to, that was it, it was happening. Now…..I doubt myself and I don’t know why. I picture myself the way I want to be, not just weight wise, but everything overall. I know things have to change to get me there, but for some reason, I just can’t follow through! I’m only letting myself down by doing this, but for some reason, I can’t seem to reason with myself and convince myself I’m worth this.
I’ve been a member of my gym now for a good six months. The first week of July they had really great prices on three one hour sessions with a personal trainer. I decided to go for it, I’ve always wanted a trainer, but just can’t afford them normally. My first session was easy, nothing much at all. He got my weight and measurements (totally embarrassing and uncomfortable for me). He had me do a few squats and push ups and told me he’d see the next Saturday and we’d get started. I stayed at the gym afterwards and got my normal cardio in and felt good for the day. I was super excited.
Week 2 at the gym with a trainer, my world was turned upside down. I’m not trying to be dramatic, but I honestly felt that all my confidence I mustered up inside of me was stripped away in a matter of minutes. I understand the trainer is going to give me things that are not easy and that I can’t do. I know he’s going to push me hard, and I want him to, but I was not prepared for what happened to me. He wanted me to do a circuit of six items. The first was a minute with a weighted rope – difficult – yes, but doable. I felt good with that. The next item was something called a frog or frogger…..can’t remember the exact name. It’s using a balance board, in a push up position and bring my knees to my chest…..but bringing up by my side……not the best at describing it. I tried one and couldn’t do it, it caused a lot of pressure on my knee that I’ve had three surgeries and I have no confidence in my knee, so he changed it. Still, in a push up position with my hands on the outside of the balance board, he wanted to bring my knees (one at a time) straight up to my chest with out bring them to side. I thought this was doable….boy, did I struggle with it! I know I don’t have much for core strength, so it really tested me and my mental strength as I was frustrated with myself and upset that I couldn’t do even one! The next item was push ups with weights bringing the weights to my chest after I did one push up. It was doable, hard, but I could get there. The next item was doing step ups on a step…..this was a little scary for me as the step was quite a distance off the ground and again….with no confidence in my knee, I was terrified. BUT…..it was doable. The next item was taking a weight ball and throwing it up in the air towards him and he’d hit it back to me. I had that down, no problems. The last item was a kettle ball swinging it with my body…..easy enough. My confidence was gone before the first circuit was even complete, I couldn’t believe how hard these were and I just kept thinking, ‘What have I done to myself?’ By the 2nd round, I was done, I didn’t want to do it anymore. I was on the verge of tears, feeling sorry for myself, angry with myself for getting to this point, and just frustrated overall. I tried and tried and I just couldn’t do it, I wanted to leave. I was feeling sick to my stomach and was just over it. I asked to cut our hour session short. The gym beat me that day……I will never forget how I felt. I went with all intention of doing 45 minutes of cardio after my session, I even told my trainer that’s what I was doing when I walked away. I found myself in the locker room getting my items and trying ‘sneak’ out so he didn’t see me leave and question why I was leaving. That was one of the lowest moments I’ve had a long time. I got to my car and cried. I cried all the way and in the shower. I felt so incredibly small that day and it has left me with a huge amount of doubt in my mind to as if I can do this. I haven’t set up another session, but I know he’s going to ask me when I want to come again. I honestly at this moment don’t want to work out with him…..he did NOTHING wrong, this is totally me, but I just don’t want to do it. I find myself thinking I’m not worth his time and there is someone else out there that would be use it.
I have been back to the gym since that weekend, but I haven’t been back to work out with anyone but myself. I’ve done cardio my four days last week for the amount of time I set my goal to. I plan on going tonight, even though, I really don’t want to. I’m tired, I have a headache and just overall feel down in the dumps. I will go though, I can’t go this coming weekend as family is in town, so I need rearrange my days this week to accommodate it. That’s something I’m willing to do, but I’m struggling to keep it up and it’s only day 2 of this week!
I had a goal by the end of the summer, well by my husband’s and my anniversary, which is exactly one month from today. I am not a person who wears dresses, I’m just not comfortable in them. I bought three at the beginning of summer……not sure what I was thinking. They fit me, but my goal was to rock them and feel super confident wearing them. They are hanging in my closet where I can see them everyday, however, I have never felt so far away from a goal. I feel that I have already let myself down by not even giving myself a chance to start. I don’t know why I’m doing this to myself, I really have no reason to. I think one of the hardest things for me to accept is that I’m doing this to myself, I know I am and I know I shouldn’t be, but I can’t stop it. I’m setting myself up for failure and I don’t know how to change it. I feel like everything is happening around me and I’m spiraling downward and can’t stop myself and pull myself back up. I do go a day here, a few days there, where I feel like I’ve got a grip and it’s going to be ok, but then I fall right back down. I have to find a way to convince myself that I am worth this and it’s going to be ok. I need to find a way to pick myself and dust myself off and move forward. I need to quit allowing myself to go off track when I know exactly what I’m doing. I know I’m not going to be perfect and I’m going to fall, but I have to find a way to forgive myself for this and not dwell on it. For some reason, I just can’t find it in me to do all of this and I don’t know why.
I know I need to work on blogging more, it’s always helpful to write down one’s thoughts and feelings. I need to work on stopping what I’m doing with everyday life and take a minute and just blog. So I guess that’s my first goal this week……I need to take a few minutes each day and write what I’m feeling, no matter how long or short it is, just write it. I know I can’t do this on my own, so hopefully I can find the strength to do it knowing someone else might read it and maybe they feel the same way. Life is full of ups and downs an somehow I need to find a way up, I can tell myself I’m worth until I’m blue in the face, but for some reason, I’m really struggling with believing it and sticking to it.
Enough rambling for now……Happy Monday!