Monday, July 23, 2012
I donít really even know where to beginÖ..
Itís been awhile since Iíve written down how I feel and whatís going right now in my life, Iím always thinking of doing it, but never do. Today, I decided, I owe to myself, I need to do this. I have forced myself to take out some and just write. I, of course, feel guilty for this as there is so much to do around the house and so much I could busy myself with. I have to stop for a few moments and do this for me.
I donít even know where to begin to catch up on my thoughts, feelings, victories and failings. The past few weeks seem to have all blurred together. All I know is, Iím struggling with the this whole journey. Why? I have absolutely no idea why I am, and itís really frustrating. I donít know why I lie to myself and tell myself Iím doing everything I can do to make myself healthier. I donít know why I seem so disappointed when I step on the scale and gain/lose the same pound for weeksÖ.I know itís going to happen, but yet I feel surprised and disappointed each time. I know this isnít a sprint, I know Iím in this for the long run, but can I really do this?? A few years ago, I had willpower made of steel and once I put my mind to, that was it, it was happening. NowÖ..I doubt myself and I donít know why. I picture myself the way I want to be, not just weight wise, but everything overall. I know things have to change to get me there, but for some reason, I just canít follow through! Iím only letting myself down by doing this, but for some reason, I canít seem to reason with myself and convince myself Iím worth this.
Iíve been a member of my gym now for a good six months. The first week of July they had really great prices on three one hour sessions with a personal trainer. I decided to go for it, Iíve always wanted a trainer, but just canít afford them normally. My first session was easy, nothing much at all. He got my weight and measurements (totally embarrassing and uncomfortable for me). He had me do a few squats and push ups and told me heíd see the next Saturday and weíd get started. I stayed at the gym afterwards and got my normal cardio in and felt good for the day. I was super excited.
Week 2 at the gym with a trainer, my world was turned upside down. Iím not trying to be dramatic, but I honestly felt that all my confidence I mustered up inside of me was stripped away in a matter of minutes. I understand the trainer is going to give me things that are not easy and that I canít do. I know heís going to push me hard, and I want him to, but I was not prepared for what happened to me. He wanted me to do a circuit of six items. The first was a minute with a weighted rope Ė difficult Ė yes, but doable. I felt good with that. The next item was something called a frog or froggerÖ..canít remember the exact name. Itís using a balance board, in a push up position and bring my knees to my chestÖ..but bringing up by my sideÖÖnot the best at describing it. I tried one and couldnít do it, it caused a lot of pressure on my knee that Iíve had three surgeries and I have no confidence in my knee, so he changed it. Still, in a push up position with my hands on the outside of the balance board, he wanted to bring my knees (one at a time) straight up to my chest with out bring them to side. I thought this was doableÖ.boy, did I struggle with it! I know I donít have much for core strength, so it really tested me and my mental strength as I was frustrated with myself and upset that I couldnít do even one! The next item was push ups with weights bringing the weights to my chest after I did one push up. It was doable, hard, but I could get there. The next item was doing step ups on a stepÖ..this was a little scary for me as the step was quite a distance off the ground and againÖ.with no confidence in my knee, I was terrified. BUTÖ..it was doable. The next item was taking a weight ball and throwing it up in the air towards him and heíd hit it back to me. I had that down, no problems. The last item was a kettle ball swinging it with my bodyÖ..easy enough. My confidence was gone before the first circuit was even complete, I couldnít believe how hard these were and I just kept thinking, ĎWhat have I done to myself?í By the 2nd round, I was done, I didnít want to do it anymore. I was on the verge of tears, feeling sorry for myself, angry with myself for getting to this point, and just frustrated overall. I tried and tried and I just couldnít do it, I wanted to leave. I was feeling sick to my stomach and was just over it. I asked to cut our hour session short. The gym beat me that dayÖÖI will never forget how I felt. I went with all intention of doing 45 minutes of cardio after my session, I even told my trainer thatís what I was doing when I walked away. I found myself in the locker room getting my items and trying Ďsneakí out so he didnít see me leave and question why I was leaving. That was one of the lowest moments Iíve had a long time. I got to my car and cried. I cried all the way and in the shower. I felt so incredibly small that day and it has left me with a huge amount of doubt in my mind to as if I can do this. I havenít set up another session, but I know heís going to ask me when I want to come again. I honestly at this moment donít want to work out with himÖ..he did NOTHING wrong, this is totally me, but I just donít want to do it. I find myself thinking Iím not worth his time and there is someone else out there that would be use it.
I have been back to the gym since that weekend, but I havenít been back to work out with anyone but myself. Iíve done cardio my four days last week for the amount of time I set my goal to. I plan on going tonight, even though, I really donít want to. Iím tired, I have a headache and just overall feel down in the dumps. I will go though, I canít go this coming weekend as family is in town, so I need rearrange my days this week to accommodate it. Thatís something Iím willing to do, but Iím struggling to keep it up and itís only day 2 of this week!
I had a goal by the end of the summer, well by my husbandís and my anniversary, which is exactly one month from today. I am not a person who wears dresses, Iím just not comfortable in them. I bought three at the beginning of summerÖÖnot sure what I was thinking. They fit me, but my goal was to rock them and feel super confident wearing them. They are hanging in my closet where I can see them everyday, however, I have never felt so far away from a goal. I feel that I have already let myself down by not even giving myself a chance to start. I donít know why Iím doing this to myself, I really have no reason to. I think one of the hardest things for me to accept is that Iím doing this to myself, I know I am and I know I shouldnít be, but I canít stop it. Iím setting myself up for failure and I donít know how to change it. I feel like everything is happening around me and Iím spiraling downward and canít stop myself and pull myself back up. I do go a day here, a few days there, where I feel like Iíve got a grip and itís going to be ok, but then I fall right back down. I have to find a way to convince myself that I am worth this and itís going to be ok. I need to find a way to pick myself and dust myself off and move forward. I need to quit allowing myself to go off track when I know exactly what Iím doing. I know Iím not going to be perfect and Iím going to fall, but I have to find a way to forgive myself for this and not dwell on it. For some reason, I just canít find it in me to do all of this and I donít know why.
I know I need to work on blogging more, itís always helpful to write down oneís thoughts and feelings. I need to work on stopping what Iím doing with everyday life and take a minute and just blog. So I guess thatís my first goal this weekÖÖI need to take a few minutes each day and write what Iím feeling, no matter how long or short it is, just write it. I know I canít do this on my own, so hopefully I can find the strength to do it knowing someone else might read it and maybe they feel the same way. Life is full of ups and downs an somehow I need to find a way up, I can tell myself Iím worth until Iím blue in the face, but for some reason, Iím really struggling with believing it and sticking to it.
Enough rambling for nowÖÖHappy Monday!