Sunday, July 22, 2012
I'm a mess tonight. My chest and midsection muscles are tight, and I feel like if I move I'll fly apart. I need to cry or scream, but I can only realize it intellectually, not really FEEL it. There is so much pain and rage right now. I'm afraid if I let myself really feel it I might do some damage. So I stay isolated and immobile.
There are things I probably should have gotten over a long time ago that still haunt me. Overhearing my parents discussing whether or not to murder me. My in-laws calmly telling the family right in front of me how weird and unacceptable I am. My ex calling me a circus freak (in those words). My ex giving away the christening gown I spent a year knitting. Both my babies wore it, and it was the only fancy dress my Margaret ever got to wear. And he gave it away like it was nothing.
I am so emotional. I know this is going to sound weird, but I got a couple of emotional gut-punches watching Next Food Network Star this year. At one point, discussing one of his finalists, Alton Brown said something so profound for me. The contestant had a long struggle with weight. From his own experience with weight problems, Alton said, "When you're heavy you have to sell a version of yourself because the world finds you so unacceptable." I've been selling a version of me for years, but never had the words for it before. I'm always trying to entertain, to please, always working way past my energy level. I feel like I have to give four times as much just to be thought one-quarter as good. I think that's part of why I'm hiding -- because I don't feel I'm ever good enough. Also, another one of his finalists said that it had been many years since anybody told him, "I'm proud of you and I know you can do it." The kid's voice cracked a couple of times saying that, and I burst into tears. I think it's been longer for me than that kid has been alive. (Maybe I'm a dork, but Alton Brown now has an immovable place in my heart. I had no idea he's so empathetic, profound and caring.)
I'm tired of my life being low-level and threadbare, and I'm tired of feeling unworthy and bad if I try to do anything about it. In my family's house everything was ratty and dirty, and I think they liked that. If anybody had a beautiful, clean house they'd dismiss them as snobbish. Excuse me -- who's looking down on who? And here I am wanting a beautiful home, a nice car, even beautiful food. I haven't been able to make myself use half the new kitchen stuff yet because it feels stupid to cook that way for myself. I made lunch for my department a couple of times, but I don't think it was at all appreciated. Half of them wouldn't touch it, and only my boss ever says thank you. (Maybe I'm arrogant, but I thought my Israeli couscous salad was pretty darned good.)
I'm a mess.