Sunday, July 22, 2012
Today I went to the gym again, but I wasn't as nervous because it was Sunday afternoon. Who goes to the gym on Sunday afternoon? The place should be empty.
When I got there, there were three other people already working out. Three men that were in the back working with weights. I saw them look over at me and then sort of roll their eyes. Either they rolled their eyes or I just assumed they would.
I had been feeling stronger and (in my mind) looking better even though it had only been a few days since restarting this whole thing. We all know that weight loss is as much a mind game as it is physical. That moment when they all looked over and then sort of scoffed, everything flooded back to me. The fact that I no longer have a midsection and look like one giant ball, the fact that I have to wear an old t-shirt and shorts because none of my workout clothes fit, etc. I walked past a mirror and felt completely humiliated.
I am happily married so I was not looking for a date or even want to get hit on. What I wanted was respect. Respect knowing that I may not be in shape, but hey - at least I'm here trying. Surely if they are truly committed to a healthy lifestyle they can appreciate that.
The rest of my time on the treadmill was an argument between myself and them - though they knew nothing about it. It was all in my head. I heard all those little voices making snide comments saying that "it's just a matter of time before you quit again".
I couldn't figure out what my problem was. Going back this time has been harder than last time. Why? Probably because I was alone. Usually my husband joins and goes to the gym with me, but to save money he told me to join and he would go back to running in the morning. I felt so alone on that treadmill. Alone, humiliated and huge. That's when I realized none of these men had "said" anything. These were my thoughts about myself coming out. At that moment I made my hands into fists and decided I was going to do this. I needed get strong, face my fears and just do this.
I'd love to tell you that all of my fears melted away, but they didn't. A few did, but I decided to gather up some confidence and "fake it till ya make it" and I did.
That's when I also realized I don't want to ever have to go through this again. I want this to be the last time I have to face working out after a long absence and a huge weight gain.
This is it folks. Time to get real.
Onward we go...