Who doesn't have a few defects of character ... or many? Not the issue, though, is it? My specific defects of character are, of course, cuz it simply is not useful (or appreciated) to examine and inventory the defects of others ...

Ah-ha! One of my classic defects is doing just that - in the privacy of my own mind, and hoping my resentment or irritation don't "leak" out of my pores in detectable amounts. I catalog what bugs me about others as if I can improve the world by getting a really clear list made of what's wrong with them. Every time I catch myself doing that, all I can do is stop and refocus on myself.

One major defect in my character has been this lifelong toying with facing down my addictions - food and spending. Have I conquered them? Won't know until I am dead! Either one can rear up and re-assert itself anytime!

Another is pride, unwillingness to admit my struggles. And another is ego - over-valuing my perceptions and experiences to the detriment of others. I could go on and on.

The point is that my involvement in Spark People has encouraged me to gradually own up to the way these defects stand in the way of achieving my goals and maintaining them and - importantly - being happy and at peace with myself.

I think the practice of logging on every day and reading other peoples' posts and blogs has sensitized me to real struggling, even more than sitting and counseling people. I suppose that's because here on SP I do not have to maintain any "professional distance" - can't, cuz I am in the same boat as everyone else here. So when I read about struggles others are having I FEEL it, I resonate with it cuz I have been there, quite recently, in fact, or maybe even right now.

I gotta say, there's nothing like being sensitized to struggles to collapse those defects of character that I use to defend myself against others. It is hard to maintain defences when I am resonating personally with someone else's pain. This is good cuz staying fat for me has been about avoiding facing pain (I know, it backfires, cuz being fat has also been very painful! Weird, huh?).

Blogging is like working In the Twelve Step program. My blogs are usually my "inventory" work on defects and struggles. On Spark People, most everyone blogs, so it is not only acceptable, on the Community Team, it is a requirement to blog regularly, in order to stay involved.

This is an ideal supportive environment for working out these "bugs" in my nature. It is scary at times, confusing, painful ... and the rewards are many - from learning and realizing brand new awareness to the joy of regaining lost function and seeing myself slim and in size medium. It is worth it in every way to chip away at the defects.

I am absolutely floored by how much Spark People has come to mean to me, how amazing the process of learning is being, and how much I have changed. I have blogged about gratitude before, and will again. I a very grateful I am very glad y'all are here. Please, keep on Sparking!