A moment this moment - taking stock (july 20, 2012) - Flare and Then
Friday, July 20, 2012
Alone in my old run down little apartment. It's been a long time. Joe is away. I cried at the airport-- always do...cry at goodbyes...with everyone....What IS that? Now it's cooler outside and even with all the crap going on here I feel HAPPY to be here alone - with space - with only MY OWN energy wavelength and motions.
Maybe I should not go to Ca and would do better to stay here and soak in my own energy. See what industrious directions or people I might call .... HOW the mind WANDERS!! Ohmy.
It's going to be in th 100s again next week. Big Sur, CA sounds grand at the moment. So ...ticket booked...to leave Tuesday early and stay a week.
U.C. FLARE is continuing to develop. Blood is back. Tummy troubles are back. I don't want to travel with these symptoms. SPECIAL ADDED REMICADE INFUSION TODAY. I may have developed antibodies against the bioengineered drug that has keep me in remission since February (Feb Mr Apr May June July - that's only 6 months). Or I may need a higher dose?
If the infusion works I will be THRILLED. IF it DOESNT work I will be lined up for more steroids and then a different drug to try.
Staving off Fear.
Steering with HOPE.
The walls are cruumbling around me in this apartment.
I move stuff to storage on August 1st.
I have the sense that BIG MOVES are needed.
But which ones?
I've looked to find a new place in Chicago to settle into, to buy even. Can't find it. Can't seem to say YES.
I have a girlfriend who reminds me how rare my YES-es in life are.
Yet I know how big they are when they come. I DO know how to say Yes. It just doesn't happen often. People Places Things
What do I like?
What do I want? to eat, to wear, to sing, to say...
I am a RESPONDER.
And my "hungry ghosts" are always near, too.
I took out one of the Spark Goals advice pages
Get out of the gosh darn rear view mirror.