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Look What You Did!

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Thursday, July 19, 2012

This day was...a day. I am completely and totally emotionally depleted as I write this. It started last night actually. Our company is having our once per year project managers' face to face meeting. Lucky for me, it's here in Bloomington so I don't have to travel for it. But, since it's here and since I am the Executive Director's right-hand woman, the mantle of hostess falls to us. My boss got stuck in Austin, TX last week because her husband had a medical emergency and was still in the hospital down there. So, here I am (a nobody, really) left to welcome these project managers in and show them a great time.

We had a team dinner last night and it was lovely. Ate WAY too much. Drank WAY too much. It's easy to do when everything is on the company's dime. You know, I've still not learned how to balance food in this specific realm. If I am not paying for it, I will stuff myself...even if I KNOW I'm going over on calories and I'm not hungry. But it's like, "Why WOULDN'T I order wine and dessert if it's FREE?" I have GOT to get this under control before my next business trip - because, at the end of my next business trip, is a flight home to Indy and a half marathon the very next morning. I can't be messing around with food that week.

Of course, what I'm insinuating is that I also ate horribly all day today too. UGH! I feel SO gross!!!

In addition to the food issues today, I am completely beat...I mean, thinking all day really takes it out of ya. Being totally serious here. Strategizing and focusing and taking notes and trying to understand tech speak for 8 hours is just exhausting.

But it's not just that. If I could get real and just admit something...I am so new to this whole "professionalism" thing. I feel SO out of place. I thought I was doing pretty well for most of the day today. But, upon leaving the meeting, I was hit with an overwhelming feeling of not being good enough. Like I'm just SO out of my league here and what am I DOING thinking I can fit into this world? I look back on the entire day and I see the things that I said and think, "Oh, Leah...why did you SAY that? It must have come off as SO unprofessional or obnoxious! What a terrible way to represent the Foundation." I keep trying to learn and I keep messing up. Will I ever get the hang of this?

On top of the feelings of professional failure, my co-worker was upset with me because I didn't help support her more during our presentation on a daily company blog. I honestly don't know what I did wrong, but I could tell she was pretty angry.

And in the back of my mind, I'm dealing with all the other emotions from this other issue that I'm going through...the death of a special relationship, which I'm thoroughly grieving at all times underneath everything else in my life that's going on.

I got in my car and wanted to break into tears. In fact, I'm so completely wiped out right now, I will literally be going to bed as soon as I finish this blog. It is 7:33pm.

But, here's the thing...normally, I check my blog comments here on SparkPeople on a pretty regular basis as they are coming in. Today, I couldn't do that...obviously. Can you imagine the shock when I saw that my blog from yesterday already had 237 comments? Or that the comments on my Tears & Texting on the Trail blog have risen to 417?! First, I felt overwhelmed. I thought, "I just can't possibly put the energy into reading all of these tonight." But then I realized...I'll just get FURTHER behind if I don't do it now!

Do you know what happened when I started reading the 20 or so pages of comments that I'd missed? Comments from YOU wonderful and beautiful people? Some of you comment every single day. I know your face! I do! Or I know your it's a familiar friend. I know more of you than you might realize. People constantly tell me that they are shocked I recognize them when I add them as friends or comment on their wall or whatever. You guys...I'm not a celeb. I'm just a chick who runs. LOL. Of course I know you! I know you all!

And this is all I have to say about that. I hear all the time...ALL the time..."you don't know what your blog meant to me today. If you only knew how many people you touch...etc etc etc."

Well, it's time to turn that back around on you.

If you only knew what your comments do for me (not just collectively but individually).

If you only knew that I read every single one.

If you only knew that your Spark Goodies and the notes that go with them make me cry tears of joy.

If you only knew how much energy reading your words gave me tonight, when I felt like less than nothing.

If you only knew how beautiful and powerful you are...and that you can do all that I blog about and CAN.

If you only knew how unworthy of your attention I sometimes feel...and how badly I wish I could respond to every single comment and message.

If you only knew how many times I read what you write and think to myself, "I wish we could meet in real life and hang out."

God, if you only knew...

Some of you read my blog every single day. Some of you see me as some sort of lifeline.

But...if you all only knew...that you are my lifeline. You are what keeps me going. I would have given up. I would have gone back to my lazy life. I would have given in to depression. But....YOU kept me alive. Quite literally.

YOU saved ME. And you just keep doing it every single day. And I love you for it.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Awwww, how wonderful that so many people can do such a wonderful thing for you. Really touching!!
    1234 days ago
  • v KHALIA2
    You spoke from your heart. A very inspiring and heartfelt blog.
    1374 days ago
    The best advice I ever got in my professional career was pretend as if you belong exactly where you are. When it comes down to it, everyone started where you are now. The more you take part in these sorts of activities the more your confidence will build. Find a power outfit or power shoes. The first time I met with an executive team I wore my power shoes. I was nervous as all get out but every time I looked at my shoes I got a surge of confidence. You will find your groove. And before you know it you will laugh at yourself thinking you didn't belong.
    1436 days ago
  • v HEIDIE6
    So inspiring! Thank you so much! I hope you have a wonderful day! gail emoticon
    1437 days ago
    Thank you for sharing from your heart. Transparency in writing is a rarity, and your heart shined through your words. Thank you.
    1438 days ago
    You should also know there are many people out there (like me) who read blogs often, but don't always comment. Is there a tracker that shows you how many "hits" your blog has? That would be quite eye-opening.
    1438 days ago
    Again.... you touched me. Please remember life is a 2 way street, when you extend your hand out to help someone up, the other hand must also extend to be helped up, which in turn, eventually, the one who reached up to grab the extended hand, in turn, extends their hand to help another up...
    We all help each other "up".
    Only you can let others make you feel any "certain" way, don't give others that much power.

    Stay positive - Stay Strong and focus on obtaining your goals!
    1438 days ago
    You are truly amazing! emoticon
    1438 days ago
  • v SMIDGE1971
    Great blog! I think most of us have had days like this where you think you're doing and saying the right things and then when you reflect on the day you feel like you said or did the wrong things. Don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you did what you were supposed to do and the goals of the foundation were reached by the end of the meeting. Remember, we are all our worse critics and we always see the negatives that other people really don't see in us. Stay positive and remember that you can only do your best and that is always good enough.
    1438 days ago
  • v DEBK0923
    great job, good work, and a wonderful blog
    1438 days ago
    1438 days ago
  • v PMFISH
    1439 days ago
    Work on giving yourself what you give to others!
    Good night!
    1439 days ago
  • v BANDMOM2012
    1439 days ago
    1439 days ago
  • v MOMOSG
    You are amazing and I am awestruck that you can put your emotions out there like that. You are motivating in so many ways. Keep going, keep trying and stop thinking you aren't worthy or out of your league. You are special and amazing just the way you are. Anyone who can't see that it blind!
    1439 days ago
  • v YWAIT0609
    great post again. i understand what u feel about the job. i start a new one today (monday). u are good enough bc my DADDY, your DADDY said so. dont forget it.
    1440 days ago
    I like to inspire people as I get inspired by them-- one hand washes the other! emoticon
    1440 days ago
    1440 days ago
    This is the first time I have read one of your blogs, but I feel like we are already friends! I have been a road warrier, and know the lure of company paid food and drink! And I know the feelings that I am really not as professional as others, and that I am really a fraud...

    I have left that corporate world (5 years now!) and work in a whole different environment, but I still battle weight, feelings of self worth, and getting that exercise done. I am envious of your running - I have tried, but my hips and knees decided it wasn't going to work for me... But I plan to try again, now that I am stronger... I want to run a 5K before I turn 60!

    thanks for sharing yourself!
    1440 days ago
    Hi Leah -
    Ha! So you inspire me more than I inspire you. Neeneer! neener! emoticon

    I'd write more bit a) im supposed to be asleep and b) it takes forever to type on iphone... Especially when tears of joy, laughter, shame, and/or allergies make my eyes blurrier than they already are!

    1441 days ago
    Thanks for acknowledging our acknowledgments! emoticon
    1441 days ago
  • v ISABELLE31
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It's awesome how there's a boomerang effect for warm fuzzies. I hope today is better for you and that you do realize how fabulous you are in the midst of everything. :)
    1441 days ago
  • v GBAUM0432
    1441 days ago
  • v TERID816
    Leah, I read your blog every day since I found you on SparkPeople. Your honesty and willingness to share so much of yourself is what draws me (and I'm sure others) to your blogs. Some of us don't have your gift for putting those feelings into words, even though we too have those same feelings. Sorry for your day, but glad we SparkFriends can give back a little of what you share! emoticon
    1441 days ago
  • v JERICHO1991
    I hope you are feeling as good as I do after reading your blog. Thank you.
    1441 days ago
    1441 days ago
  • v KELLIGIRL523
    1441 days ago
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    1441 days ago
  • v FLYINGB16
    I have been where you are as far as feeling "not good enough" in a professional environment. I decided to fake it till I make it and almost two years later there is not one person in my office that intimidates me. They all breath air just like me. It's very liberating. I also no longer allow people to dump on me. This took years of work but I did it. If i screw up or don't meet someone's expectations I ask why, and how DID they want it done so I can do better the next time. I don't take it personally. it's a learning opportunity and I go with it.

    Now for the food...

    The folks at my office eat all the time. My team especially (we are chained to our desks 9-10 hours a day) has the most impressive take out menu collection I have ever seen. I don't join them. I pack every day. I refuse to give in to peer pressure when it comes to food. When they go out I don't eat crap just because they do. Yesterday morning a team member was like....Hardee's will make you feel sooooooo much better....I was like...I don't think so. Thirty minutes later they are all complaining about heartburn and I am laughing. They all ordered out for lunch and then thirty minutes after eating they all said...god I am so stuffed I feel sick...
    I am sorry they feel bad but I laugh on the inside because they do this to themselves everyday but "I am the weird one that packs lunch and snacks everyday". Yep...I embrace my weirdness...they can have the heartburn, indigestion and tight clothing.
    Food pushers are always a challenge and work stress can make us want to eat. I just try to stay focused on my goals and keep a fully stocked snack drawer and lunchbox everyday.

    You can do it!
    1441 days ago
  • v FITFOODIE806
    Isn't spark remarkable? The more you putinto it, the more you get. I have done so much more than I ever thought I could(think, marathon!) because of spark. Reading other people's blogs, getting crazy ideas in my head, and then getting the encouragement and motivation to actually do it. All from spark!
    I'm so glad you appreciate it the way you do. I appreciate YOU! And you do deserve all 400+ comments.
    1441 days ago
    Sounds like "a day".............but you ended it on such a positive note. You read about what you mean to people.................. what your words do for people, and in return, you gave back to everyone by writing this blog. THAT's what this journey is all about...............

    Happy Saturday!
    1441 days ago
    Your words are always so eloquent and honest. Thank you for being my lifeline, and glad to contribute to your lifeline.

    1441 days ago
  • v ANNE007
    Great blog! It originally caught my eye because you mentioned Bloomington. Hello from Indy! I hope you're feeling much better by today. I'm sure you did a great job hosting your coworkers but I agree...Spark People are wonderful people!
    1441 days ago
  • v JRM54100

    1442 days ago
  • v BLUEJEAN99
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    1442 days ago
  • v GRAMMAP1
    I really don't blog often, but I read bunches. I am older and my sucesses are few and I really want to share success, not failure. I am sure that you will be able to share some inspiration again very soon. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1442 days ago
  • v 4RASCALS
    I'm sure you did a excellent job. We are our own worst critic. Your such a inspiration to us, don't see you failing at anything.
    . emoticon
    1442 days ago
  • v MONTREAL12
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    1442 days ago
    Energizer Bunny is right...I don't always comment because my mind goes blank when I get to the comment section. Greeting cards really stress me out!!

    Your blogs are always well-written and interesting! Keep it up!!
    1442 days ago
  • v MOM-MOM8
    emoticon You had a very busy day with way to many things to juggle! Our famous insecurities show up just when we do not need them. I am sure you did a great job of hostess. Do we say things that in hind sight we think about and are sure should have been said better? Of coarse! We just need to learn from it and move forward. I had a co-worker years ago who had a favorite saying "Fake it til you make it!" I have found that it works. Put a smile on and do your best, and most times we do just fine until we analyze the day and find areas that only we can find to bring us down. Have a great week end! You deserve it. emoticon
    1442 days ago
    Thank you!! I have been out of commission with SP now for a month letting myself go. I am so emotional right now reading your blog. I also have feelings running deep with emotions from losses that I have been unable to express openly. I have been having a very hard time becoming focused to start thinking on what I need to do to feel better and eating irrational. But I want to thank you for reminding me what I need to start focusing on again. I will try. emoticon
    1442 days ago
    I'm sure you must have done just great today. We are our worst critics and the more you do them the more confident you will be. Thank you for sharing.
    1442 days ago
    This is the first time that I've read your blog; it's no secret why you are so special.
    1442 days ago
    1442 days ago
  • v KIPPER15
    emoticon emoticon emoticon Hang in there, we all have times we feel inadequate. Just imagine them all naked.. LOL
    1442 days ago
  • v KALLIE1958AR
    emoticon We all have those days .. Hang in there ...
    1442 days ago
  • v SANDYLH1
    1442 days ago
    I feel that I can say, your company and everyone that works there, is very lucky to have YOU! You can build your skills because of your fabulous attitude. Most probably, the other professionals around you are not working to improve and build up EVERY area of their life, as you are! Every step, more confidence, one day at a time.
    How great you realized how poorly you ate at work. Can you believe now doing that without having any remorse and disgust? I can't! Just to think, I ate without any of those thoughts for over 50 years! Yuck.
    I was just thinking yesterday, how important all of my Spark friends are. It is so wonderful to hear you comment about SP friends! Working most only with my 90 year young aunt at home everyday, it is very enriching to know that I can help you! You all certainly help me everyday! Share the SPark!
    emoticon emoticon
    1442 days ago
    I am one of the ones that reads your blogs every day - but I don't comment because I figure I have nothing extra to add to what's already been said. But I'm sure there are lots of others like me!

    You are a sweetheart for sharing with us the good AND the bad!

    1442 days ago
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