This day was...a day. I am completely and totally emotionally depleted as I write this. It started last night actually. Our company is having our once per year project managers' face to face meeting. Lucky for me, it's here in Bloomington so I don't have to travel for it. But, since it's here and since I am the Executive Director's right-hand woman, the mantle of hostess falls to us. My boss got stuck in Austin, TX last week because her husband had a medical emergency and was still in the hospital down there. So, here I am (a nobody, really) left to welcome these project managers in and show them a great time.
We had a team dinner last night and it was lovely. Ate WAY too much. Drank WAY too much. It's easy to do when everything is on the company's dime. You know, I've still not learned how to balance food in this specific realm. If I am not paying for it, I will stuff myself...even if I KNOW I'm going over on calories and I'm not hungry. But it's like, "Why WOULDN'T I order wine and dessert if it's FREE?" I have GOT to get this under control before my next business trip - because, at the end of my next business trip, is a flight home to Indy and a half marathon the very next morning. I can't be messing around with food that week.
Of course, what I'm insinuating is that I also ate horribly all day today too. UGH! I feel SO gross!!!
In addition to the food issues today, I am completely beat...I mean, thinking all day really takes it out of ya. Being totally serious here. Strategizing and focusing and taking notes and trying to understand tech speak for 8 hours is just exhausting.
But it's not just that. If I could get real and just admit something...I am so new to this whole "professionalism" thing. I feel SO out of place. I thought I was doing pretty well for most of the day today. But, upon leaving the meeting, I was hit with an overwhelming feeling of not being good enough. Like I'm just SO out of my league here and what am I DOING thinking I can fit into this world? I look back on the entire day and I see the things that I said and think, "Oh, Leah...why did you SAY that? It must have come off as SO unprofessional or obnoxious! What a terrible way to represent the Foundation." I keep trying to learn and I keep messing up. Will I ever get the hang of this?
On top of the feelings of professional failure, my co-worker was upset with me because I didn't help support her more during our presentation on a daily company blog. I honestly don't know what I did wrong, but I could tell she was pretty angry.
And in the back of my mind, I'm dealing with all the other emotions from this other issue that I'm going through...the death of a special relationship, which I'm thoroughly grieving at all times underneath everything else in my life that's going on.
I got in my car and wanted to break into tears. In fact, I'm so completely wiped out right now, I will literally be going to bed as soon as I finish this blog. It is 7:33pm.
But, here's the thing...normally, I check my blog comments here on SparkPeople on a pretty regular basis as they are coming in. Today, I couldn't do that...obviously. Can you imagine the shock when I saw that my blog from yesterday already had 237 comments? Or that the comments on my Tears & Texting on the Trail blog have risen to 417?! First, I felt overwhelmed. I thought, "I just can't possibly put the energy into reading all of these tonight." But then I realized...I'll just get FURTHER behind if I don't do it now!
Do you know what happened when I started reading the 20 or so pages of comments that I'd missed? Comments from YOU wonderful and beautiful people? Some of you comment every single day. I know your face! I do! Or I know your avatar...like it's a familiar friend. I know more of you than you might realize. People constantly tell me that they are shocked I recognize them when I add them as friends or comment on their wall or whatever. You guys...I'm not a celeb. I'm just a chick who runs. LOL. Of course I know you! I know you all!
And this is all I have to say about that. I hear all the time...ALL the time..."you don't know what your blog meant to me today. If you only knew how many people you touch...etc etc etc."
Well, it's time to turn that back around on you.
If you only knew what your comments do for me (not just collectively but individually).
If you only knew that I read every single one.
If you only knew that your Spark Goodies and the notes that go with them make me cry tears of joy.
If you only knew how much energy reading your words gave me tonight, when I felt like less than nothing.
If you only knew how beautiful and powerful you are...and that you can do all that I blog about and more...you CAN.
If you only knew how unworthy of your attention I sometimes feel...and how badly I wish I could respond to every single comment and message.
If you only knew how many times I read what you write and think to myself, "I wish we could meet in real life and hang out."
God, if you only knew...
Some of you read my blog every single day. Some of you see me as some sort of lifeline.
But...if you all only knew...that you are my lifeline. You are what keeps me going. I would have given up. I would have gone back to my lazy life. I would have given in to depression. But....YOU kept me alive. Quite literally.
YOU saved ME. And you just keep doing it every single day. And I love you for it.