Just because you're turned around, it doesn't mean you're totally lost
Thursday, July 19, 2012
It¡¦s been a rough 2 months. After a year of weight loss, I¡¦ve somehow slid back into the old territory of big-time bingeing. Ice cream pints, pizzas, awoke the monster. I even stopped tracking for weeks, which has been my one constant up to this point (no matter how bad it gets).
So I¡¦m starting fresh, recommitting to tracking, exercise, and eating reasonably in order to squash the binges. For now, I don¡¦t even need to stay narrowly within my nutrition ranges. The first goal is to be stable enough to gradually step down to my nutrition goals.
I¡¦m doing all of this resolutely. But at the same time, for the past year my focus has been patience and squashing the all-or-nothing attitude. I¡¦m a little hesitant to use this as my day 1, my ¡§new beginning,¡¨ because I¡¦m trying to balance that notion of failure. So maybe I¡¦m on a continuum, and right now just happen to be at the bottom. The nice thing is knowing that it¡¦s not even the very bottom. That was a year ago at 275, crying on my couch, with change an unreachable, unfathomable concept.
I was doing so well for the first 9 months that I thought I might avoid the dreaded plateau. Or maybe I had hit it, and just didn¡¦t recognize it (she says un-knowingly)? It turns out the plateau arrived in style, January-July. The fluctuating ten pounds. And it sat on my stoop, just daring me to try and get past. But the problem is, when I sat with the plateau for a few months, I headed toward the land of ¡§is it worth it to try?¡¨ It wasn¡¦t even very conscious. Slowly, healthy meals turned into less, and my body re-discovered how delicious my old triggers are. Or at least how easily they cause me to spiral out of control. Can Haagen-Daz please just stop making Dulce deLeche? Now I¡¦m definitely in the pit again, where I need to re-train my body that it is satisfied with clean, healthy foods at reasonable amounts. Thankfully I think I recognize the signs better this time around, and I know it¡¦s possible. I¡¦ve gained back ten pounds. It¡¦s just hard.
¡§It¡¦s so hard.¡¨ Why does such a little phrase encompass so much? In my self-searching moments, I¡¦ve definitely realized that I¡¦ve made it 33 years without working very hard at anything. And so now, this big hurdle of health/food/weight is the thing. The thing that¡¦s hard, but if I give up it¡¦ll be even worse. You can change jobs, find new friends, move to new places¡K but this is my body. Whoa.
So I guess this is my re-commitment to finding greatness in myself, and my body.
Realizing that just by saying this aloud and admitting what¡¦s happening to me shows that I¡¦ve found new tools in the past year.
It just happens that I need to do that right now by reigning in what I eat, and finding balance there again. No, finding SATISFACTION there.
So much of my mental problem seems to come back to really thinking that the binge foods are better. Will make me feel better. And it¡¦s never true, but it¡¦s sure hard to convince my brain of that in the heat of the moment.
And yup, I can finally see that my binges are pretty emotional. This portion of the journey might just need to be called ¡§How to tackle the emotional crap now that you¡¦ve learned the basics of food and that it works.¡¨
That¡¦s a post for another day.
But this is where I¡¦m at, thoughts aloud in writing. And sometimes we just need to say it out loud ƒº