Alice in Wonderland: I fell down the rabbit hole.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
So I haven't been around lately.
I've been gaining weight rather than losing it recently.
I fell into a horrible depression and was reliving the sexual abuse and molestation that I endured as a child. I fought through it and I feel like I came out the other side stronger and cherishing my relationship. It wasn't happy. I now understand the phrase "put through the wringer" cause WOW what a horrible experience. However, I had Pete my loving, faithful, adoring partner to help me through that time in my life.
Then I find out my mother was diagnoses with Breast Cancer and would be undergoing a partial mastectamy.
Then two days before I was planning to travel to Mankato and stay for a week so that I could see her and help her through her surgery- I get an email.
Weird- must be spam. But, wait, could Pete have written this???
I used to have an adroid phone before my mother sent me a verizon android as a birthday gift. So my gmail was on the old phone and linked to all the apps. I took photos and ect off the phone when I switched but I was hesitant to reset the factory settings until I was sure that I had everything I wanted (internet bookmarks, apps, contacts ect). So this craigslist response could've been an accident if he clicked respond with email and just wrote the message without checking.
When he got home I confronted him about the email. He plead ignorance. I opened my sent messages to show him the email and there was ANOTHER email appearantly sent on his way home from work with his picture. My heart started breaking. I slammed down the phone and walked out. He was babbling excuses but I didn't hear anything believeable. Then I asked for his phone. He handed it over- no surprise since his inbox was empty. So was his outbox, and sent messages. Then I open his trash and all the deleted messages.
I cried. I yelled. I screamed. He denied. He got defensive. He started to attack my motives and question my actions. When I started shutting down he started invading my personal space and confusing me and distracting me. I just wanted it to stop. It was information over load. My trip to Mankato was out the window. I realized I wouldn't know who was in my bed the week I would be gone. I was just heart broken.
My mother's surgery didn't go as well as planned. The doctors didn't remove everything and now they have to go back in for a full masectemy. She is upset and confused. My brother is going through a custody battle over his 4 month old daughter.
I'm sitting in the middle looking at everything around my wondering when I fell down the rabbit hole. I hated the story of Alice in Wonderland. I don't like chaos and confusion. I like romance books. They go through ups and downs but its always a massive misunderstanding the hero and herione pull through and make it back to each other and have 3 kids and love each other for 50 years.
So when did I become Alice.
I'm doing my best to make it through all of this. Pete maintains that he didn't do anything or write the emails (he was trying to send the picture to me!!! He couldn't figure out why the email wouldn't send!). I was melting down and he was there in front of me crying and pleading. I caved. Now I feel like I've been blackmailed. Now I have to act like I'm okay. Sitting in limbo. Doing my best to believe that 5 years of our relationship isn't a lie.
I feel like I'm back at square one.
The daily stress of my life is giving me a constant headache for a week. I'm tossing back the maximum dose of Extra Strength Tylenol just to make it through the day but it doesn't do anything- and then I start searching for Alieve or Advil or Asprin or another brand to try and beat the overdose suggestion.
I finally just walked out the house and said I'm done living like this.
I don't know what Pete will do. I don't fully know what I will do. But my eating and exercise feel like the only thing in my power to control. I can't save anyone or do anything. If he wants to cheat on me then he will. He has been warned. In a way so have I. I built him up in my head and placed him on a pedastal.
I feel like I got a wake up call. I can't be depressed and angry. I have to be a mature mother to my daughter. I have to remember the one lesson I've always held onto- that I have to look out for number 1. This just feels like punishment for leaning too heavily on someone else. I tried to merge myself with him and now I feel like that was a mistake. I thought I was a part of a two-some being marriage minded when I put the needs of the family before the needs of me. Now I realize I put them first and they put them first and Not a single person was putting me first.
I'm so angry. My heart is broken and my dreams of 50 years together is shattered.
And here he is in my face smiling and happy because I'm not talking about email. Smh. Fool. I'm doing my best to figure out how to make 5 years of love and trust mean more than one mistake. Will someone please send him the message that a deny deny deny wont make me believe anything. If anything I am angry because we can't move past this because he wont tell me the truth and without that I cant trust. So he is smiling because I am still being nice. I still cook dinner and give him back rubs and play in his hair. He doesn't seem to realize I'm so nice because I'm doing my best to shore up crumbling walls.
I don't want it to be over. I don't want to be Alice stuck at this dreadful tea party where up really means down. But I'm scared that this is just the beginning to the end. How can I trust him again? 5 years broken in a couple emails.
So I run. I can't make him tell the truth but I can run. I cant make my mother pull through, or become the judge to help my brother. But I can marinade my chicken and make healthy granola bars. If I am all that I have left besides my daughter, then I better make sure that I am what I want.