Thursday, July 19, 2012
I am feeling discouraged...and feeling guilty for being discouraged, which makes it worse, of course.
The broken toe has morphed into some other kind of compensatory injury that has caused my left lower leg to swell up a bit and feel like I have a mighty bad case of shin splints. That, of course, makes walking difficult. And lack of exercise leads to feeling worse, and feeling worse leads to overeating.
I'm discovering is that the gremlin of overeating is never far from me.
Here's when I get triggered:
* Off my normal schedule
* Lack of exercise
* Going to any shop that has any kind of trigger food (yes, that is practically all of them)
* When people around me are making choices that, who knows, might be good for them but are not good for me.
* When I have not planned for tricky situations.
* When I have given up.
So, you see, there are triggers practically everywhere! Damn! There is a thicket and a swamp and a mountain to climb and any other metaphor you want to use.
But: Let me not stop there with simply feeling sorry for myself.
I've been through this thought process before, but clearly I need to do it again. In other people, clearly, those situations and emotions don't trigger a run for the sugar bowl. In me, it does.
Well, I have clearly learned how to use food to damp down, anaethestitize and deaden, feelings that I don't want to be having.
My yoga teacher yesterday asked me how long the effects of poor eating lasted...and since she is a new teacher to me, and I was busy "building face" instead of being honest...I told her that I knew all about my patterns and that it wasn't a problem of knowledge but of action.
I don't think that's actually true.
So, I will think and feel more honestly now.
The effect of overeating is indeed that I feel a release of tension.
But that's not all. When I overeat I feel slow, tired, stupid, and disconnected. The effects last for days, frankly. And -- since overeat regularly -- I am clearly spending a good part of my life in a less than optimal state.
When I am on the path and eating well, I am more attuned to the world around me and that can be a wonderful thing.
The key, I think, will be to find ways to be attuned to the world *AS IT IS* and find ways to bring myself comfort and resilience in ways that don't involve overeating.
I don't know yet, how to do that -- how to stay gently and solidly placed in the now.
I'm going to find out, though, and I'm going to start by doing some researching on the spiritual dimensions of overeating.
In the meantime, I'm having a cup of tea.
Be well, everyone.