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Staying gently and solidly placed in the now?

Thursday, July 19, 2012

I am feeling discouraged...and feeling guilty for being discouraged, which makes it worse, of course.

The broken toe has morphed into some other kind of compensatory injury that has caused my left lower leg to swell up a bit and feel like I have a mighty bad case of shin splints. That, of course, makes walking difficult. And lack of exercise leads to feeling worse, and feeling worse leads to overeating.

I'm discovering is that the gremlin of overeating is never far from me.

Here's when I get triggered:

* Off my normal schedule
* Lack of exercise
* Bored
* Hungry
* Angry
* Tired
* Lonely
* Traveling
* Going to any shop that has any kind of trigger food (yes, that is practically all of them)
* When people around me are making choices that, who knows, might be good for them but are not good for me.
* When I have not planned for tricky situations.
* When I have given up.

So, you see, there are triggers practically everywhere! Damn! There is a thicket and a swamp and a mountain to climb and any other metaphor you want to use.

But: Let me not stop there with simply feeling sorry for myself.

I've been through this thought process before, but clearly I need to do it again. In other people, clearly, those situations and emotions don't trigger a run for the sugar bowl. In me, it does.

Why?

Well, I have clearly learned how to use food to damp down, anaethestitize and deaden, feelings that I don't want to be having.

My yoga teacher yesterday asked me how long the effects of poor eating lasted...and since she is a new teacher to me, and I was busy "building face" instead of being honest...I told her that I knew all about my patterns and that it wasn't a problem of knowledge but of action.

I don't think that's actually true.
So, I will think and feel more honestly now.

The effect of overeating is indeed that I feel a release of tension.
But that's not all. When I overeat I feel slow, tired, stupid, and disconnected. The effects last for days, frankly. And -- since overeat regularly -- I am clearly spending a good part of my life in a less than optimal state.

When I am on the path and eating well, I am more attuned to the world around me and that can be a wonderful thing.

The key, I think, will be to find ways to be attuned to the world *AS IT IS* and find ways to bring myself comfort and resilience in ways that don't involve overeating.

I don't know yet, how to do that -- how to stay gently and solidly placed in the now.

I'm going to find out, though, and I'm going to start by doing some researching on the spiritual dimensions of overeating.

In the meantime, I'm having a cup of tea.

Be well, everyone.
Kathleen

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRESSWANN 7/20/2012 5:17AM

    Wow. Not only are you being honest with yourself but with the world. You have acknowledged it and are moving forward. I respect and admire you

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FRANCESCANAZ 7/19/2012 3:33PM

    i am really sorry about your toe and the pain it is causing you amiga! emoticon
Not being able to exercise regularly is a very dangerous thing. It can make all issues in life a major challenge! But I know you Kathleen and I know you can overcome and use this for your good. Be kind to yourself and I'll be kind to myself as well. emoticon

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ANASONIC 7/19/2012 11:32AM

    Ahhh... I understand all that you are going through and don't have any magic solution. I am still working on my own. All I know is that it is an every day, every situation, every choice battle and our only hope is to win more than we lose....and never give up. I always get tripped up when my plan is thrown off for some reason or other. The problem is that is life and nothing ever goes as planned. I try to think of it as a game and try to outwit all that is out there sabotaging me. Stay focused and keep your eye on the prize ...the healthier you. emoticon
Ana

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TIG123GER 7/19/2012 9:45AM

    I know that everyone, at least everyone on Spark, has food triggers because we wouldn't be in this situation if we didn't and no one conquers them completely. I have come to believe that food is an addiction just like cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs (whether it's sugar, cheetos, or just excess). I always use to complain that it wasn't fair - I didn't smoke, I never drank to excess, and I never even tried drugs, all I enjoyed was food, and why was I being punished for enjoying a good meal? But then I realized that food was my drug and I used it for MANY things just as drug addicts did, like blocking out the pain of a failed friendship or problems at work or family stress. The only thing that has worked as a substitute for me was to make a list of things I really enjoy like buying a new pair of shoes or getting a massage and then rewarding myself with those things when I meet a goal. Post them somewhere you'll see them when you are drawn to the food and remind yourself that if you eat the food then you'll be farther away from that new pair of Jimmy Choos or that deep tissue massage and MAYBE that will give you the power to resist the oreo for the better thing waiting ahead. It won't work every time because instant gratification is always powerful but maybe more often than not you can overcome it for the better prize?

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MS_SUZI 7/19/2012 9:40AM

    Thank you for your honest post. It takes a lot to know and admit how indulging in the things we want affects us. I have a history of eating disorders for most of my life so I understand very deeply how comforting food can be. I never understood why it's that way but it allowed me to temporarily feel better. I wish you the best in your discoveries and hope that you can find some peace and comfort in other ways.

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