Thursday, July 19, 2012
After 1.75 years of "treating myself well" suddenly something in me crashed and I decided I wasn't worth it anymore.
No. Not really.
And after a couple months of wondering what happened, why I am this way? Why would I go back from feeling so good inside and better outside to feeling like I am a stuffed sausage again?
And now, after those couple of months wondering I think it comes down to this for me: The work of saying "no" had become too hard.
That's it. That's the easy. I just stopped saying "no" to myself when faced with choices.
There are truly all sorts of excuses I have said to myself. I am hurt by things my mother did years, decades, ago and I can't even talk to her about it anymore (she is dead). My family treats me unfairly. My middle son talks to me rarely. My job has been a roller coaster ever since our product line was sold. There are financial issues. I am so alone. I am not as strong as XXXXX. I am not as thin as XXXXX (anyone!!). I am/was not losing weight as quickly as XXXXXX. I am going to die alone, so who cares?
The truth is it seems that these aren't excuses, even if we call them that. These are actually hindrances. Things that stand in MY way and keep me from getting where I was headed! They are road blocks. They are in my way. And I am letting them stay on my path to H-E-A-L-T-H-Y!
So I am not going to take it anymore. Yes, they are probably issues (some of them) that I need to handle and I need to deal with. But there is no reason I can't and shouldn't handle and deal with them while moving in the right direction. If I stand still and let these excuses continue, then that brick wall that is blocking my path just gets stronger and thicker and higher! I have to start taking it down one brick at a time.
So, yeah, my mom may have hurt me in things she did. But they can't be changed. Two ways to look at this: If she did really hurt me and not want me (as I have suspected), I can't change that. I can only change how I respond to that poor parenting by moving past it and being the person I want to be. Not what she thought I should be. And the alternative, what if she never did mean to hurt me? What if she loved me the best she could? Well then why should I spent time wallowing in self pity over it? She wouldn't want that. She would want me to make the best of my life. Move on.
Same things apply to my family and my middle son. I can choose to try to fix it/understand it, or I can decide that I can't change it from where I am at and, again, have to do what is right for me.
My job. Again I have choices. I am looking for another job, but at the same time I have conditions. And my current job has now settled down a bit. I have now had the same boss for at least 4 weeks! That's a record in the past 9 months! So, time for this to not be an excuse either.
Financially, I got a second job. While these few hours and the pay rate aren't sending me any more than an extra $50 a week right now, that still amounts to a potential $2500 a year, right? And that is more than I would get just sitting at home during those hours on Saturday/Sunday. So, for now. It stays too.
I am alone. Except in the summer when my youngest is home and this could be the last summer for that. Yes, I volunteer and get out in the community to try to meet people, but in 3 years nothing has yet "clicked". It will or it won't. But beating myself up and stuffing and extra scoop of ice cream in my gullet isn't going to make me friends either, unless of course I am out eating it with them and not in the privacy of my own home. So until that happens, I am back to one ice cream treat a month, on the first on the month. It worked for me. I knew it was coming and it never seemed that far away. So why now do I seem to NEED it's company at least 4 times a week??? No ice cream. You do not fill the loneliness. Not by a long shot.
And the stronger than, thinner than, losing weight quicker than... Well. I found this quote and it made such beautiful, perfect sense to me that I am trying to take it to heart and live it--it's not easy, but I try:
"Winners compare their achievements with their goals, while losers compare their achievements with those of other people."
I want to be a winner. I expect to be a winner. I plan to be a winner. But I am only going to lose when I compare myself to 10 other people in the rate at which I lose weight. Someone of those 10 is going to lose weight faster, it's a given, and then I am a loser. And in my weightlifting, someone is always going to be stronger. The point is that I can be stronger than I was the last time. If I try to be stronger than someone who is stronger than me, then I am going to fail and probably hurt myself.
For all of this I have to have my plan. I have to move at my pace. I have to celebrate what I am doing and not look around me and say: "Ugggh. They lost 7 pounds this week and I only lost 1." OR "Wow, they just deadlifted 255 pounds and I can only deadlift 245." We all have our days. We all have our wins.
Yes, there will always be a little envy when you post that you lost 200 pounds or that you deadlifted twice your body weight. But, I will stick to my plan and my goals and I will celebrate yours for you!
Now, back to learning to say "NO"!