Wednesday, July 18, 2012
This morning I was reading a devotional in my Bible. It was about life not being fair. The scripture for it was Jonah 4:1-11. One of the additional scripture readings was Romans 9:10-21
10 Not only that, but Rebekah’s children were conceived at the same time by our father Isaac. 11 Yet, before the twins were born or had done anything good or bad —in order that God’s purpose in election might stand: 12 not by works but by him who calls—she was told, “The older will serve the younger.”13 Just as it is written: “Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated."14 What then shall we say? Is God unjust? Not at all! 15 For he says to Moses,“I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.”16 It does not, therefore, depend on human desire or effort, but on God’s mercy. 17 For Scripture says to Pharaoh: “I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.” 18 Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden. 19 One of you will say to me: “Then why does God still blame us? For who is able to resist his will?” 20 But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’” 21 Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for special purposes and some for common use?
Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but to me it sounds like my life has already been decided. So if that is true then why should I spend my time reading the Bible, worshiping and trying to be a better Christian? If it is already decided than there is nothing that I can do to change it.
Am I right or wrong? I've been told all of my life to read the Bible and worship God, but to tell the truth I can't tell the differences from when I am dong all the right things and from when I wasn't. So why should it matter? My life isn't easier or harder, it just is.
And the Bible keeps saying how God is a loving father and is just, if that is so then why does He kill and destroy so much? Why is He with this person and not that person?
Maybe my analyzing brain is just being to analyzing. The beginning of this year I decide to read my bible all the way through from Genesis to Revelations. I got to 2 Samuel and could not read anymore. All of the wars and God being with this person and not that person was really getting to me. I started out wanting to be a better Christian. To know more about the Bible and God. To be more faithful. And all it has done is cause more questions and doubts. So I stopped reading and started doing just the devotionals. And I was doing good, but now, between this scripture and the book that I have stopped reading by Max Lucado I'm wondering....... and doubting ....... again.
I can go through the Bible and pick and choose different scriptures that will make everything look all nice and rosy, but what about the ones that don't? I'm I supposed to ignore them? Like Jeremiah 29:11-14 "For I know the plans I have for you ........." that makes everything all rosy. And I can dwell on that and everything will be ok. But that is just one scripture what about the rest ..... I wonder how the people in Jericho felt, or the ones that drowned.
I don't understand and it is all very, very confusing to me. And the more I try to understand and the more I pray and ask God to help me understand, the more I have doubts.
I like my church, but not so much my church family. I feel like they think I am beneath them, so going to anyone there with my questions and doubts would not do me any good. So I'm posting it here. Yes my mom is a Christian, but her answer is you just do and you don't question or doubt and that is that. So no help there.
And please don't tell me this is just the devil working on me. or that if I truly believed I would not doubt. to be honest and blunt ..... neither one of those answers is an answer. that is just a cop out. Just an easy answer that doesn't answer anything. Kind of like "it is because it is" .... what a load of crap! I'm looking for real answers. Real insight. Am I just going to church because I was told that you are suppose to go or am I going because it is the right and responsible thing to do?
Or am I going because I truly believe in God? but if that is the case then why do I doubt and question so much?