Wednesday, July 18, 2012
It's 3:30 am and I'm awake can't sleep. The last 2 days have been a big struggle for me emotionally. Well the past few weeks have been. I'm not sure what is going on. I have been struggling with food for a while now. I just can't find the right balance again. Portions are getting a bit bigger on my plate. Pasta is sneaking into my diet more. There is the ice-cream. There is more summer time drinks. Less water, less veggies, and believe it or not less consistent exercise.
Mondays are rest day, but Tuesdays have become lazy days. They are also the days that I eat a lot more junk. So what is going on?
I haven't known but I think I may have figured out some of the emotional baggage that unknowingly crept back in. My co-worker who's husband was sick this past school year and I worked for her a lot. He passed away about 4 days after school got out. His memorial service is this coming Saturday. I had been planning to go.
Then my husband got an offer to go camping with his brother that weekend. I told him he could go. The thought of going to a memorial service by myself was not a fun one for me. I found a group bike ride to do on Saturday instead. Then my husbands plans changed. So I invited him to do the group bike ride with me.
Last night the realization of what this weekend was all about hit me. Saturday is an emotionally charged and hard day for me. I do ok with them most of the time but going to a memorial service would put me over an edge I think. I need to go and do something to remember that I am alive!
I am also seeing my daughter a lot right now, and she is struggling with the choices that she has made in her life. She is venting to me about a lot of stuff. I try to offer advice with out lecturing. It's so hard to see her making the same mistakes that I made at that age. I know we all have to learn our own way but it's hard to watch you child in an emotionally abusive relation ship and know that she doesn't want out.... yet... I'm still hopeful. It's just hard. Takes me back to a very bad place in my life.
I am enjoying the triathlon training, but it's slacked off some. I'm not able to swim with my daughter last week, this week, or next week. She is going to summer school during the hours of swimming. I can and have still gone by myself but it's just not the same.
We have made some big choices and have decided to down size some things. We got a new trailer a month or so ago. We then had to try and sell our old one. It's been a long month of people coming to look at it. Two nights ago someone came and bought it and drove it home. While I'm happy it's gone I'm sad at the same time. It's the trailer we raised our girls in. there was a lot of happy memories with that trailer.
That night my husband put his drift boat up for sale. We haven't used it for about 4 years. He priced it high. Got a call yesterday from a guy who drove 3 hours to look at it. Had cash in hand and bought the thing. Then drove it out of here. Many memories with that boat. He had it for 20 years.
We also have put our jeep up for sale. The jeep we taught our girls to drive in. This one is hard. But we don't use it except for a commuter car for me. Last night we had a couple come and look at it and are very interested. They need to talk and think about it. However it may be gone by the weekend.
So much of the past 15 years has just left my life. The trailer was replaced and we still have a trailer. The other two things do represent a more sedentary lifestyle. We are at the cross roads of life and making some major changes. Change is hard. I don't like change. Yesterday I wore my "I hate people" t-shirt all day. It summed up how I was feeling quite well.
I will go for a run this morning and see if it helps to clear my head... I am looking forward to this weekend and one Epic bike ride. It will be an 8 hour day bike ride for sure.
If you read this and made it to the end thank you. I wish (as many of us do sometimes) that we all were friends in real life and lived closer together so some one could come and kick me off the couch and take me for an adventure.