Monday, July 16, 2012
Somewhere between Thanksgiving and Christmas of last year, I reached my "yikes!" weight. I felt fat and miserable. None of my clothes fit, I was embarrassed to be in pictures, I didn't want to be seen by people, and seeing the cute outfits my thin sister put on over the holidays made me want to crawl under a rock and die.
I don't want to feel that way. I want to be healthy, and happy, and feel good about myself. I want to have a family and know that I am setting a good example for my kids and teaching them how to be healthy and not let being overweight hold them back.
I am going ahead with my plans this year, instead of trying to lose weight first. It breaks my heart that I will be overweight or obese throughout my first pregnancy (I desperately want that skinny body with a tiny bump), but I am not waiting to start living. I am moving forward and losing weight and feeling better along the way. *For the record, I discussed this with my doctor and it is totally fine for me to get pregnant now. I am eating healthy food, exercising, and slowly losing weight.
This time is different because I am not setting a deadline. I will likely get pregnant sometime soon, gain 10-15 lbs (the amount my doctor said I should for my BMI) and then start losing again after I have the baby. I am REALLY struggling with the idea of going back over 200 lbs while pregnant, and I'm hoping I can lose some more weight before then so it isn't so bad. But when it comes to waiting to lose more weight or trying for a baby, the baby wins. I hope that I can feel good about myself during the pregnancy, feel healthy, and look halfway cute in some photos. I will likely struggle with losing weight after having the baby. I know that, and it scares me.
But I think that I have managed to flip the switch in my brain. It's not about weight loss and being skinny and looking good. It's about being healthy - for myself, my husband, and my family. That motivation is so much stronger than the thinspiration I used to use to motivate myself. I don't forget - ever - what my goal is. Because it's a state of being, not a number on the scale.
And I hope that writing this blog will make me feel as confident as I sound when I say that.