Monday, July 16, 2012
I haven't mentioned it yet on here, mostly because I'm so used to keeping it a secret that I'm kind of afraid the cat will be let out of the bag before it's supposed to be, but since I'm so close to "D-Day", here goes: On August 2nd I am eloping and marrying the love of my life!!!!!! It's a secret because we can't afford a wedding and we thought it would be really cool if it was just Randy and me, with the boys as witness. I'm very excited!
This morning we picked up our marriage license. It's kind of hitting me that this is really happening! After almost 10 years together! After a really shaky start when he told me that he was still grieving for his wife and didn't see himself with anybody else ever again. I am so blessed, we're truly best friends and this seems like the exclamation point on our life together.
I am OVERWHELMED with all kinds of emotions - joy, elation, terror - but it's really the anxiety that's kicking my butt. Nothing like my dreams coming true to really shake up all my ancient insecurities and drive them right up to the surface!
And my food is showing it, I have been "soothing" my nerves with food a lot over the last few days.
I am having alternating thoughts that he's going to run off to avoid getting married, he's going to get killed in a motorcycle accident two days before the big day, **I** am somehow going to die or get grievously injured, or someone in my family, and that somehow it won't happen. Or it will happen but within days he's going to change from the great guy he is into some horrible ogre who won't let me do anything. Or he's going to wake up the next morning and decide he's made a huge mistake. Picture every horrible thing that could possibly go wrong and it's gone through my head.
And that's the worst part, there's some part of me that KNOWS this is all in my head, but I am COMPLETELY POWERLESS to not react to it and feel HORRIBLE.
I should be HAPPY. I have much to be grateful for. I'm getting married in two weeks and all I want to do is bury my face in food until I'm totally senseless.
If I use my 12-step programs advice, I just need to stay in TODAY, right now. Right now I'm at work, sneaking online to write this. My food has been planned for the day, I'm going to a meeting tonight, I have my running training tonight and I've planned on hitting the studio for an hour since I have a craft fair coming up. Everything is FINE.
I have to do this every 30 seconds, though. GAAAAAAAH!